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Laughter

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“So happy for highly respected Congressman Mike Collins. He will win his Senate Race in Georgia against a pathetic failed Dumocrat Senator, Os(jerk!)off, who is a joke in D.C. Nobody even knows who he is!!! I'll be doing Big TRUMP Rallies for Mike in Georgia! President DJT.”
Donald Trump (born 1946) first seen 2026 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Social media post, quoted in "Trump Drops Childish New Nickname For Democratic Star" Yahoo News / Huffington Post (June 17, 2026)
“And this is Uther Madduc’s ‘wonderful joke’?” “So I believe.” “But what’s funny?” “The magnificent ability of the human race to delude itself.”
Jack Vance (1916–2013) said by 2013 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Is this the conduct of a ‘sly and unpredictable villain’?” “Decidedly so, if the villain, for the purposes of his joke, thinks to simulate the altruist.” “Then how will you know villain from altruist?” Cugel shrugged. “It is not an important distinction.”
Jack Vance (1916–2013) said by 2013 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“... the scars left by violence and sexual assault don't disappear, no matter how loved you are, and no matter how much money you've made. My perennial jumpiness is a family joke — and even I know it's funny — but I pray my daughters never have the same reasons I do for hating sudden loud noises, or finding people behind me when I haven't heard them approaching.”
J. K. Rowling (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This is amazing to me how people look to me, that’s a big responsibility. There ain’t nobody that good. I’m not all that. I make a joke – I’m not even all there. I try to just be a decent human being, try to use love as my great tool and weapon. I try to leave my heart, my eyes, my ears open, and my mouth closed, when I know it’s not the right thing to be doing.”
Dolly Parton (1946–2026) first seen 2023 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Dolly Parton on style, stardom and sexists: ‘I know how to push men off and get the hell away’ The Guardian (October 9, 2023).
“My joke [is that] if I have any regrets, it’s that I got caught with some of the stuff that I had no regret about.”
Dolly Parton (1946–2026) first seen 2023 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Dolly Parton on style, stardom and sexists: ‘I know how to push men off and get the hell away’ The Guardian (October 9, 2023).
“I never lie, even to this day. Not even a little. Unless you count playing pranks on people, which I don't. That's comedy. Entertainment doesn't count. A joke is different from a lie, even if the difference is kind of subtle.”
Steve Wozniak (born 1950) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“How tell what remains ? But it’s the end. Or have I been dreaming, am I dreaming? No no, none of that, for dream is nothing, a joke, and significant what is worse.”
Samuel Beckett (1906–1989) said by 1989 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My life, my life, now I speak of it as of something over, now as of a joke which still goes on, and it is neither, for at the same time it is over and it goes on, and is there any tense for that? Watch wound and buried by the watchmaker, before he died, whose ruined works will one day speak of God, to the worms.”
Samuel Beckett (1906–1989) said by 1989 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I have always noticed that deeply and truly religious persons are fond of a joke, and I am suspicious of those who aren’t.”
Alfred North Whitehead (1861–1947) said by 1947 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in Church and Home, Vol. 1 (1964) by United Methodist Church, and Evangelical United Brethren Church, p. 21.
“Though he made a joke when asked to do the right thing, he always did it. He was so much more in earnest than he appeared. He did not do himself justice.”
Florence Nightingale (1820–1910) first seen 1837 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On Henry John Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston, as quoted in Victorian England : Aspects of English and Imperial History, 1837-1901 (1973) by Lewis Charles Bernard Seaman, p. 108
“Yes, maybe it’s just one colossal big joke with no point to it.” Lazarus stood up and stretched and scratched his ribs. “But I can tell you this, Andy, whatever the answers are, here’s one monkey that’s going to keep on climbing, and looking around him to see what he can see, as long as the tree holds out.”
Robert A. Heinlein (1907–1988) said by 1988 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Doc says the Company set-up is just one big happy family, and the idea that it is a non-profit corporation is the biggest joke since women were invented.”
Robert A. Heinlein (1907–1988) said by 1988 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Look, Chief—is it really necessary to kill everybody here? I don’t relish it.” “Don’t get chicken, son,” admonished Ardmore with an edge in his voice. “This is war—and war is no joke. There is no such thing as a humane war.”
Robert A. Heinlein (1907–1988) said by 1988 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But it is no joke to attend the funeral of a dear friend, dead in her golden youth because her baby killed her. I was at such a funeral in the twenties and heard a sleek old priest talk about “God’s will.” At the graveside I managed to back away from the coffin such that I got him proper in his instep with a sharp heel. When he yelped, I told him it was God’s will.”
Robert A. Heinlein (1907–1988) said by 1988 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“At that time there was some truth in the old joke which describes the English dislike of speculation by saying that all our philosophy consists of a short catechism in two questions: “What is mind? No matter. — What is matter? Never mind.” The only accepted appeal was to tradition.”
John Dalberg-Acton, 1st Baron Acton (1834–1902) said by 1902 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It’s a family joke that when I was a tiny child I turned from the window out of which I was watching a snowstorm, and hopefully asked, "Momma, do we believe in winter?”
Philip Roth (1933–2018) said by 2018 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A nickname may be the best record of a success. That's what I call putting the face of a joke upon the body of a truth.”
Joseph Conrad (1857–1924) said by 1924 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The critic must be reconciled to his necessary, ambiguous role, and however much he may caper, joke, and posture for us in his writings, we are unlikely to forget that he is a man who may, at any moment, tread heavily upon our dreams — unworthy dreams, foolish dreams, stupid dreams, sometimes — but still dreams.”
Robertson Davies (1913–1995) said by 1995 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A few years ago I had to answer some searching questions to a Customs official about a book which I had with me, printed in Latin, and which the official suspected to be Russian; it was a jestbook, as a matter of fact, and I was so foolish as to say so, forgetting that a Latin joke is as strange to the modern imagination as a unicorn or an amphisbaena.”
Robertson Davies (1913–1995) said by 1995 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens's creme brulee. That's just a joke, for you in the media.”
Ann Coulter (born 1961) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Remarks at Philander Smith College (26 January 2006), as quoted in "Coulter Jokes About Poisoning Supreme Court Justice" on Fox News (January 27, 2006).
“Granted, not really a joke, but how often do you get a mic in your hand? You know? So. I am sorry but don't anybody trip on my soap box on the way out. Don't anybody trip over that. And the chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back problems now.”
Janeane Garofalo (born 1964) first seen 1997 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: From the TV comedy special Janeane Garofalo (1997). Said after she proposed a "buddy system" in which the federal government places orphaned babies in the care of pro-lifers.
“An old paleontological in joke proclaims that mammalian evolution is a tale told by teeth mating to produce slightly altered descendant teeth.”
Stephen Jay Gould (1941–2002) said by 2002 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.”
Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805) first seen 1783 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Die Verschwörung des Fiesco (The Conspiracy of Fiesco), Act I, sc. vii (1783)
“Well, I'd like to leave you with a joke.”
Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It requires a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding.”
Sydney Smith (1771–1845) said by 1845 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you could be alarmed into the semblance of modesty, you would charm everybody; but remember my joke against you about the Moon and the Solar System;—"Damn the solar system! bad light — planets too distant — pestered with comets — feeble contriviance; — could make a better with great ease.”
Sydney Smith (1771–1845) first seen 1806 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Vol. II, letter to Lord Jeffrey (1806), p. 23
“'Cause the joke that you made in the bed that was me And I'm not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes. And you know it. And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it. Well, can you feel it?”
Alanis Morissette (born 1974) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“He brought his malformed wisdom, his pool-hall, locker-room, joke-book wisdom to the front.”
John Steinbeck (1902–1968) said by 1968 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Every trouble in life is a joke compared to madness.”
Walter Bagehot (1826–1877) said by 1877 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What I don't like today is, to put it coarsely, the phony Hasidism, the phony mysticism. Many students say, "Teach me mysticism." It's a joke.”
Elie Wiesel (1928–2016) first seen 1978 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: In a 1978 interview with John S. Friedman, published in The Paris Review 26 (Spring 1984); and in Elie Wiesel : Conversations (2002) edited by Robert Franciosi, p. 86
“It's difficult to talk to people who whisper even at home, afraid of Americans eavesdropping on them. It’s not a figure of speech, not a joke, I'm serious.”
Vladimir Putin (born 1952) first seen 2014 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: (17 April 2014)
“And what exactly is a dream, and what exactly is a joke?”
Syd Barrett (1946–2006) said by 2006 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Well, there's nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn't hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don't tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It's an easy target.”
Jay Leno (born 1950) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: interview with Nikki Finke, LA Weekly, September 17, 2004
“I joke that I started as a kid revising the encyclopedia by stickering the one my mother bought.”
Jimmy Wales (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fishsticks in shit! That's, that's actually kind of gross, you know? After that joke, I always clarify that I'm just jokin'. I do not know how much tartar I actually have. I believe it's the average amount. If we all took a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the fuckin' middle.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hey, this joke's on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can't fuckin’ rob you of this one: I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow shit. I said “C’mon, what about some celery? You fuckers don’t farm. Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen." That's... That's the part that's not on the old CD.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If I was the headless horseman’s horse, I would fuck with that dude. "Yeah, we’re going that way. We’re not headed towards the hay." Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse, that would be fucking chaos. "We need a head!" Oh, I got a new headless horseman joke. I’d hate to be the headless horseman’s dentist. You wouldn’t make very much money.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I wrote down “tea ski.” What the fuck kinda joke is that? I have no clue. Tea ski, what the fuck? Oh yeah, I remember. I wanna go to a lake and put tea bags in there, for like a hundred of ‘em for like a week, and then I’m gonna tea ski.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know that word "lull"? That's four letters, three of them are L's, fuck! That's too many L's in one word! The word lull is one letter away from... [gets handed a drink] oh shit. That'll fuck up a joke!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. (in addition to and along with this duck line- a bit from the Letterman show)--”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I have known few greater honors than the opportunity to address the Mother of Parliaments at Westminster Hall. I am told that the last three speakers here have been the Pope, Her Majesty the Queen, and Nelson Mandela -- which is either a very high bar or the beginning of a very funny joke.”
Barack Obama (born 1961) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And the look on her face as she opened the door Was like an old joke told by a friend. It'd taken ten more years but she'd found her smile And I watched the corners start to bend.”
Harry Chapin (1942–1981) said by 1981 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They tell us that we live in a great free republic; that our institutions are democratic; that we are a free and self-governing people. This is too much, even for a joke. But it is not a subject for levity; it is an exceedingly serious matter.”
Eugene V. Debs (1855–1926) said by 1926 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[telling a "You Might Be a Redneck" joke] If your family tree does not fork.... I can see some couples here don't like that. "That ain't funny, is it, sis?”
Jeff Foxworthy (born 1958) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But greed is a bottomless pit And our freedom's a joke we're just taking a piss And the whole world must watch the sad comic display If you're still free start runnin' away 'cause we're comin' for ya!”
Conor Oberst (born 1980) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Why is war so much like a practical joke? she thinks. Hiding behind bushes, leaping out, with not much difference between Boo! and Bang! except the blood.”
Margaret Atwood (born 1939) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A play is made by sensing how the forces in life simulate ignorance — you set free the concealed irony, the deadly joke.”
Arthur Miller (1915–2005) first seen 1960 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The State of the Theatre" an interview by Henry Brandon in Harpers 221 (November 1960)
“The old joke about the two main Soviet papers, Pravda (“Truth”) and Izvestia (“News”), was “There’s no news in the Truth and no truth in the News!”
Garry Kasparov (born 1963) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This view of the case amused Esther for a time, but not for long — the matter was too serious for any treatment but a joke, and joking made it more serious still.”
Henry Adams (1838–1918) said by 1918 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source