Famous quotes
Quotes by famous people, credited to who said them. Your own quotes must not match any of these. More are added all the time. 1,158,269 quotes Who coined it · How we decide
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“People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie.”
Bob Monkhouse (1928–2003) said by 2003 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I used to joke to Bob Solow that the distance between me and Joan Robinson is less than the distance between Joan Robinson and me. His reply was, “You’ll never convince her of that.” Still one lives in hope.”
Paul Samuelson (1915–2009) first seen 1972 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: letter to Joan Robinson (April 14, 1972) quoted in Marjorie Shepherd Turner, Joan Robinson and the Americans (1989)
“The standard smother-out technique,” Verkan Vall grinned. “I only heard a little talk about the ‘flying saucers,’ and all of that was in joke. In that order of culture, you can always discredit one true story by setting up ten others, palpably false, parallel to it.”
H. Beam Piper (1904–1964) said by 1964 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“To create a balance of power and pedigree in the house, Hunter sent five bucks off to an ad he'd seen in the back pages of a magazine and received his mail-order doctor-of-divinity degree. He began referring to himself as Dr. Thompson and punctuated remarks with his afterword: "I am, after all, a doctor." Friends picked up on the joke, and he was "the Good Doctor" for the rest of his life.”
William McKeen (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Don't you think this outlaw bit has done got out of hand? What started out to be a joke, the law don't understand. Was it singing through my nose that got me busted by the man? Maybe this here outlaw bit has done got out of hand.”
Waylon Jennings (1937–2002) first seen 1978 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Don't You Think This Outlaw Bit's Done Got Out of Hand, from I've Always Been Crazy (1978).
“Einstein's manner was full of charm and bonhomie. He enjoyed a joke and had many a jibe at the Nazi Professors, one hundred of whom in a book had condemned his theory. "Were I wrong," he said, "one professor would have been quite enough." Also, in speaking of Nazis, he once said: "I thought I was a Physicist, I did not bother about being a Jew until Hitler made me conscious of it.”
Albert Einstein (1879–1955) first seen 1940 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Jacob Epstein, Let There Be Sculpture: An Autobiography (1940), page 95
“A man might say, with enough truth to justify a joke: "Science is what we know, and philosophy is what we don't know." But it should be added that philosophical speculation as to what we do not yet know has shown itself a valuable preliminary to exact scientific knowledge.”
Bertrand Russell (1872–1970) said by 1970 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.”
George Bernard Shaw (1856–1950) said by 1950 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The answer to this is very simple. It was a joke. It had to be a number, an ordinary, smallish number, and I chose that one. Binary representations, base thirteen, Tibetan monks are all complete nonsense. I sat at my desk, stared into the garden and thought "42 will do" I typed it out. End of story.”
Douglas Adams (1952–2001) first seen 1993 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Why 42?" in alt.fan.douglas-adams USENET newsgroup (3 November 1993)
“[Citing a familiar "American joke":] In Boston they ask, How much does he know? In New York, How much is he worth? In Philadelphia, Who were his parents?”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) first seen 1897 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: What Paul Bourget Thinks of Us?", in How to Tell a Story and Other Essays (1897)
“Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.”
Mark Twain (1835–1910) said by 1910 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A despot doesn't fear eloquent writers preaching freedom — he fears a drunken poet who may crack a joke that will take hold.”
E. B. White (1899–1985) said by 1985 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've jibe and joke, And quip and crank, For lowly folk And men of rank.”
W. S. Gilbert (1836–1911) said by 1911 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I feel that as long as I have sound ideas, a sound underpinning of argument and analysis, then there’s nothing I can’t or shouldn’t talk about. For instance, people say you can’t joke about rape. Rape’s not funny. I say, okay, imagine Porky Pig raping Bugs Bunny. That’s funny, isn’t it?”
George Carlin (1937–2008) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Irish America, George Carlin is Still Tossing Out the Good Stuff (June/July 2006)
“Please don't make me a joke. End the interview with what I believe. I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one... I want to be an artist, an actress with integrity... If fame goes by, so long, I've had you, fame. If it goes by, I've always known it was fickle. So at least it's something I experienced, but that's not where I live.”
Marilyn Monroe (1926–1962) first seen 1962 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Her last taped interview, with Richard Meryman, was published in LIFE magazine two days before her death. (3 August 1962); quoted in Ms. magazine (August 1972)
“Some subjects are so serious that one can only joke about them.”
Niels Bohr (1885–1962) said by 1962 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in The Genius of Science: A Portrait Gallery (2000) by Abraham Pais, p. 24
Also quoted by: Werner Heisenberg (misattributed)
“Thank you. God told me to wear it. That's a joke.”
George W. Bush (born 1946) first seen 2005 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Responding to a compliment on his suit from European Commission president Jose Manuel Barroso (November 2005)
“Necessity makes a joke of civilization.”
Isaac Asimov (1920–1992) first seen 1980 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: In Joy Still Felt (1980), p. 124
“I joke sometimes to the effect that when I approach a part of a book where I must explain something I don't understand, I just type faster and faster and faster. Then, when I get to the part I don't understand, sheer inertia pushes me through. That's not literally true, of course, but there's something to it psychologically.”
Isaac Asimov (1920–1992) first seen 1980 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: In Joy Still Felt (1980), p. 281
“Once you've dissected a joke, you're about where you are when you've dissected a frog. It's dead.”
Isaac Asimov (1920–1992) first seen 1941 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Banquets of the Black Widowers (1984), p. 49; comparable to "Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind." — E. B. White,…
“I am Yali, and I would like to welcome you to Heaven. I hope you will enjoy your stay.” He laughed heartily, as at a private joke. “Yes, I most certainly hope you do. After all, some of you may stay forever. It is a nice place, actually, one of those infinitely rare situations where one is rewarded commensurately to one’s efforts. Surely that is Heaven by any man’s definition?”
Larry Niven (born 1938) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.”
G. K. Chesterton (1874–1936) said by 1936 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And this is no aristocratic joke At the expense of negligible folk. We see how seriously the races swarm In their attempts at sovereignty and form. They are our wards we think to some extent For the time being and with their consent, To teach them how Democracy is meant.”
Robert Frost (1874–1963) said by 1963 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Then gave him some familiar Thumps, A College Joke to cure the Dumps.”
Jonathan Swift (1667–1745) first seen 1734 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Cassinus and Peter: A Tragical Elegy (1734); reported in Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, 10th ed. (1919)
“The crisis of yesterday is the joke of to-morrow.”
H. G. Wells (1866–1946) first seen 1941 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: You Can't be Too Careful (1941)
“You know lots of criticism is written by characters who are very academic and think it is a sign you are worthless if you make jokes or kid or even clown. I wouldn't kid Our Lord if he was on the cross. But I would attempt a joke with him if I ran into him chasing the money changers out of the temple.”
Ernest Hemingway (1899–1961) first seen 1917 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Letter (21 June 1952); published in Ernest Hemingway: Selected Letters 1917–1961 (1981) edited by Carlos Baker
“Like all truly brave people Antonio is light-hearted and likes to joke and make fun of serious things.”
Ernest Hemingway (1899–1961) said by 1961 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Racism is one of the biggest taboos in our culture, yet most discrimination against Asian-Americans goes largely unnoticed...its blown off by the rest of the media as a joke, as in "Look at them. They get all up in arms over nothing".”
Margaret Cho (born 1968) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You could read Kant by yourself, if you wanted; but you must share a joke with someone else.”
Robert Louis Stevenson (1850–1894) first seen 1876 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Cornhill Magazine, (August 1876)
“[On coming out on stage] My first joke at that gig was, 'If you're a stand-up, it's good to be a minority because then you've got something to rail against. If you're black, you can rail against white supremacists; if you're poor, you can rail against the rich. But if you're a white, male, middle-class stand-up, it's shit. So thank God I'm a transvestite.' It went down a storm.”
Eddie Izzard (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What was the future? The future was a solid wall, not promising, not threatening—all bunk. No guarantees of anything, not even the guarantee that life isn't one big joke.”
“Yes, I received your letter yesterday (About the time the door knob broke) When you asked how I was doing Was that some kind of joke? All these people that you mention Yes, I know them, they're quite lame I had to rearrange their faces And give them all another name Right now I can't read too good Don't send me no more letters no Not unless you mail them From Desolation Row”
“What governs one's choice of memories? Life is like sitting in a cinema. Flick! Here am I, a child eating éclairs on my birthday. Flick! Two years have passed and I am sitting on my grandmother's lap, being solemnly trussed up as a chicken just arrived from Mr Whiteley's, and almost hysterical with the wit of the joke. Just moments — and in between long empty spaces of months or even years.”
Agatha Christie (1890–1976) said by 1976 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If satire is to be effective, the audience must be aware of the things satirized; if they are not, the joke falls flat. Unfortunately for our native satirists, the American mass audience possess very little general information on any subject. Each individual knows his own immediate world, but as various research polls continually inform us, he holds little knowledge in common with others.”
Gore Vidal (1925–2012) said by 2012 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“...American society, literary or lay, tends to be humorless. What other culture could have produced someone like Hemingway and not seen the joke?”
Gore Vidal (1925–2012) said by 2012 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They're making a joke of our universe”
Jim Morrison (1943–1971) said by 1971 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Housekeeping ain't no joke.”
Louisa May Alcott (1832–1888) said by 1888 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The creative director of the entire shebang of the whole Olympics got shit canned because he once made a fat joke in a private conversation. This is called a purge. It’s a mentality that belongs in Stalin’s Russia. How bad does this atmosphere we’re living in have to get before the people who say cancel culture is overblown admit that it is in fact an insanity that is swallowing up the world?”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(On being called cynical & skeptical): “I do have a healthy skepticism, I think we all should. But I think if you listen closely enough, you’ll find that my message, if I as a joke-blower could be pompous enough to have one, is that we’re all alright and it’s gonna work out. I don’t find that cynical at all.”
Bill Hicks (1961–1994) said by 1994 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(On being censored): “It amazes me how afraid they are of 1 person….basically a joke blower!”
Bill Hicks (1961–1994) said by 1994 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I suppose you imagined I was so insanely in love with you that I could commit any folly. When will you women understand that one isn't insanely in love? All one asks for is a quiet life, which you won't allow one to have. I don't know what the devil ever induced me to marry you. It was all a damned stupid, practical joke. And now you go about saying I'm a murderer. I won't stand it.”
Aldous Huxley (1894–1963) first seen 1921 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Mortal Coils (1921), "The Gioconda Smile" [http://www.online-literature.com/aldous_huxley/mortal-coils/
“Luck was a joke. Even good luck was just bad luck with its hair combed.”
Stephen King (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Jobs regularly misses appointments. This is so well-known as to be almost a running joke. It's not funny, hurts Apple's image when he does it to outsiders, and wastes our time and energy when it is done to another employee.”
Jef Raskin (1943–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What is this thing between women, like men are a joke that women all told each other long ago but men never get it.”
Orson Scott Card (born 1951) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Some one is generally sure to be the sufferer by a joke.”
William Hazlitt (1778–1830) said by 1830 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The act of sex, gratifying though it may be, is God's joke on humanity. It is man's last desperate stand at superintendency. The whole ritual is a grotesque anachronism, an outdated testament to man's waning power. It's all we've got and so we make the best of it. It is not, however, sufficient reason for matrimony.”
Bette Davis (1908–1989) first seen 1962 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Lonely Life: An Autobiography (1962), p. 251; quoted in part by Walter Winchell in "Pass the Worm Pills" Cincinnati Enquirer (January 20, 1963) and in "'Postman' Bares a Stamp of Sex," Daily News (1980), and by Davi…
“The Internet was done so well that most people think of it as a natural resource like the Pacific Ocean, rather than something that was man-made. When was the last time a technology with a scale like that was so error-free? The Web, in comparison, is a joke. The Web was done by amateurs.”
Alan Kay (born 1940) first seen 2012 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 2012 Dr. Dobb's Interview with Alan Kay
“If I should ever die, God forbid, I hope you will say, "Kurt is up in heaven now." That's my favorite joke.”
Kurt Vonnegut (1922–2007) said by 2007 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A joke is like building a mousetrap from scratch. You have to work pretty hard to make the thing snap when it is supposed to snap.”
Kurt Vonnegut (1922–2007) said by 2007 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Harvard can no longer be considered even a decent place of learning, and should not be considered on any list of the World’s Great Universities or Colleges. Harvard is a JOKE, teaches Hate and Stupidity, and should no longer receive Federal Funds.”
Donald Trump (born 1946) first seen 2025 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Revoking Harvard’s tax-exempt status will threaten all nonprofits", The Fire (April 18, 2025)