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Laughter

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“I joke about it, fellas, but I tell ya, she runs that house. Good Lord. [Several female audience members cheer] Yeah, I know. I know. And if you're a married guy, I ain't telling you nothing you don't already know. But if you're single, and you're thinking about getting married, listen up. You ain't never gonna win the argument. Yeah. If guys were a sports team, we'd be 0-fer.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Pain and loss. Hope dimmed. Ambition quenched. Love becoming an unfunny joke on the lovers! Body saying aye; mind saying nay; now saying can; future saying can’t.”
Sheri S. Tepper (1929–2016) said by 2016 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They were [my] friends. Those guys were like The Monkees. They lived in this house all together... no joke, the whole band all together in the same house, and they were really fun. They were really young guys and they lived the real Rock life. Of course it all went horribly wrong later, but they were great.”
Chris Cornell (1964–2017) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: When asked about Alice in Chains - Howard Stern Show, June 2007
“I guess that is my biggest fear, sort of worrying about the fact that I keep getting more insecure as time goes on rather than feeling more grand with each turn. I feel more and more afraid. When I get my picture taken, I'm convinced it's because I must look terrible and they're going to put it in US Weekly as a joke.”
Natasha Lyonne (born 1979) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“For those who planned and were leaders and were beaten And for those, humble and stupid, who had no plan But were denounced, but were angry, but told a joke, But could not explain, but were sent away to the camp, But had their bodies shipped back in the sealed coffins, "Died of pneumonia." "Died trying to escape.”
Stephen Vincent Benét (1898–1943) said by 1943 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Cindy (Chris Farley): That reminds me, I have a joke: I heard Michael Jackson went shopping at K-Mart because there was a sale! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Christy (Spade): You messed it up, dumbbell! He went shopping at K-Mart because he heard little boys' pants were half off.”
David Spade (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.”
Billy Connolly (born 1942) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When very young, Hannali would sit on the black ground and chuckle till it was feared he would injure himself. Whatever came over him, prenatal witticism or ancestral joke, he seldom was able to hold his glee. In all his life he never learned to hold it in.”
R. A. Lafferty (1914–2002) first seen 1972 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Okla Hannali (1972)
“The place itself, and ne'er a good word spoke of it, You shiver when you even make a joke of it.Though some go cocky, gaily in hand-basket there, The most fare sadly in a clammy casket there…Undying pain and gaping loss, no doubt of it. A wide way leading in and no way out of it!But none have told the blackest horror shrouded there — Tall teeming terror‚ but it sure is crowded there.”
R. A. Lafferty (1914–2002) said by 2002 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree... I don't have a joke for that yet. But when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. That guy's like a fucking Snapple!”
Daniel Tosh (born 1975) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[On looters stealing VCR's] Why are you stealing a VCR? They don't even make VHS tapes anymore! I'd steal a TiVo...but I don't, because I'm rich, and I've had one for three years. I would say four years, but that won't make the joke any funnier. You tell people, "I've had a TiVo for four years," and they're all like, "Who's the dick?”
Daniel Tosh (born 1975) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!”
Daniel Tosh (born 1975) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I once had on a Lance Armstrong bracelet and a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet, and I rubbed a blind kid's eyes and he could see. But he wasn't used to the light, it was bright, walked into traffic was killed instantly. Okay, those of you that are laughing, I'm going to call you half-full, because you're remembering the most important part of the joke...the bracelets are working!”
Daniel Tosh (born 1975) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off because I care.”
Daniel Tosh (born 1975) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Cause you know my joke is that I love her (Oprah Winfrey) but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like "Oh, stigmata?". No, Oprah. Get off the cross and do your show!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The first five years that I did Cerebus I could have made more money baby-sitting (that isn't a joke). Five years. Think about it. (p. 20)”
Dave Sim (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I admit it worked fairly well but my first reaction was to get up and walk away from the job, but I couldn't. Once you've heard music like that with the picture, it makes your own scoring more difficult to arrive at, it clouds your thinking. Later, as an inside joke, I included a snippet of the Strauss in the score-and some critic pounced on me for stealing. You can´t win.”
Jerry Goldsmith (1929–2004) first seen 1973 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Tony Thomas, Music for the Movies (1973), p. 209
“Music, for me, is a love bewitched. / Fame as a painter? / Writer, modern poet? Bad joke. / So I have no calling, and loaf.”
Paul Klee (1879–1940) first seen 1899 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Quote (1899), # 67, in The Diaries of Paul Klee, translation: Pierre B. Schneider, R. Y. Zachary and Max Knight; publisher, University of California Press, 1964
“Postmodernism is among other things a sick joke at the expense of... revolutionary avant-gardism.”
Terry Eagleton (born 1943) first seen 1985 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Capitalism, Modernism and Postmodernism, ch. 9 (1985)
“Which was more likely: what appeared to be the case, or this all being a lie, a set-up, a vast and incomprehensible joke? Discuss.”
Iain Banks (1954–2013) said by 2013 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It has become an ongoing national joke.”
Billy Childish (born 1959) first seen 2000 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: From The Turner Prize manifesto (2000), co-written with Charles Thomson
Also quoted by: Charles Thomson (artist)
“On Martin Scorsese: Martin has brought so much to the art form of film, and he is not the type of person who would be upset by not receiving an Oscar, although it is a practical joke that he has not won an Academy Award after all these years. Whatever opinions critics will have of The Aviator, I really think that this is a great piece of art: once again, he has made a great classic film.”
Leonardo DiCaprio (born 1974) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Death is an old joke, but it comes like new to everyone.”
Ivan Turgenev (1818–1883) said by 1883 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Along the way she’d acquired a powerful conviction that history was a series of accidents—God was either absent or playing a very elaborate practical joke (the Eschaton didn’t count, having explicitly denied that it was a deity)—and that the seeds of evil usually germinated in the footprints of people who knew how everybody else ought to behave and felt the need to tell them so.”
Charles Stross (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There used to be an old joke in role-playing circles—it isn’t funny these days—that there were only a thousand real people in the UK—everybody else was a non-player character. Now it’s pretty much the reverse.”
Charles Stross (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People say I'm the life of the party 'Cause I tell a joke or two. Although I might be laughing loud and hearty, Deep inside I'm blue.So take a good look at my face. You know my smile looks out of place. If you look closer, it's easy to trace The tracks of my tears.”
Smokey Robinson (born 1940) first seen 1965 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Tracks of My Tears, written by Smokey Robinson, Marvin Tarlin, and Pete Moore (1965)
“If indigenous Amazonian tribes were subjects to acid rain, the liberals were emotionally devastated. But if a trailer park of white trash across town all got cancer because they lived atop a toxic dump, it was a joke.”
Jim Goad (1961–2026) said by 2026 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I can't even really tell a joke. I find being funny very hard work. I am always asked about it and I feel guilty saying that, but it's the truth. I love my work but it ain't easy.”
Madeline Kahn (1942–1999) first seen 1993 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Michael Specter, (April 8, 1993) "At Home With: Madeline Kahn; Funny? Yes, but Someone's Got to Be", The New York Times, The New York Times Company
“Arctic Monkeys are a great band, but bands like that sometimes spend a lot of time reminding people about the shitiness of reality. I don’t want to sing for half an hour, reminding people about how shit Sheffield is — unless it’s for one verse or a joke.”
Shingai Shoniwa (born 1981) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Sometimes I want to joke but my English isn't perfect. Sometimes people are wondering what I'm talking about.”
Alexander Ovechkin (born 1985) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Pierre Lebrun, The Canadian Press (September 6, 2006) "Caps' Ovechkin says he is not ready to wear the 'C'", The Chronicle Herald, p. D3.
“I do detest him, I really do. It's no joke. I can't stand him”
Nigel Benn (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This can't be real I've never seen so much This must be a joke.I don't know how to feel I haven't earned it yet Everything fades so fast.”
Juliana Hatfield (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's a JOKE!”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters...”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“He was a dark-haired, fresh-faced boy of twenty-one or twenty-two, who adopted the pose that everything was a joke and nothing really mattered.”
Nevil Shute (1899–1960) said by 1960 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“An old joke puts its thus, "when a man speaks to a god its prayer, when a god speaks to a man its schizophrenia"... Many people hear voices without suffering any of the debilitating and dysfunctional effects associated with schizophrenia, some treat these as sources of inspiration of develop religious ideas around them, others become mediums or occultists.”
Peter J. Carroll (1953–2026) said by 2026 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“War happens to people, one by one. That is really all I have to say and it seems to me I have been saying it forever. Unless they are immediate victims, the majority of mankind behaves as if war was an act of God which could not be prevented; or they behave as if war elsewhere was none of their business. It would be a bitter cosmic joke if we destroy ourselves due to atrophy of the imagination.”
Martha Gellhorn (1908–1998) said by 1998 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Letter as quoted in Gellhorn: A Twentieth Century Life (2003) written by Caroline Moorehead.
“Liquor does this? Even after you’re sober?” “A cruel joke, isn’t it? The gods put a price tag on everything, it seems.”
Scott Lynch (born 1978) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We have not answered the free will-determinism question, but we have decided to come down on the side of personal freedom, to assert it whether or not it exists. Just as we make our own meaning, we make our own freedom. If this is a cosmic joke, then let us be the ones laughing.”
Eric Maisel (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Well, if you create your own reality, you no longer live in a real world. It used to be a joke when we were young about the insane and I am told that there were a fair number in institutions who thought of themselves as Napoleon. And that was a departure from reality, creating their own reality. That is what our world is doing today.”
Rousas John Rushdoony (1916–2001) said by 2001 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Can I just say, my routine about raping and f*****g Holly Willoughby was part of a very long routine about whether or not it's OK to do a joke about that, and I look at it from both sides, there are pluses and minuses.”
Frankie Boyle (born 1972) first seen 2022 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: From a book launch event at a branch of Waterstones in Suffolk, as cited in "Frankie Boyle: Controversy as comic makes 'rape joke' about TV presenter Holly Willoughby", The Scotsman (31 July 2022).
“I don't want to be the joke of the world, and I don't want to be thought of as another Hitler swallowing up people.”
Abd al-Karim Qasim (1914–1963) first seen 1961 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in "Kassem's Corner", Time (July 21, 1961).
“What is that joke? What is that? What IS that? What is Hitler? What is Stalin? What is Mao? What is ALL this stuff? What is Venezuela?”
Alex Jones (born 1974) first seen 2017 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: What Is Hitler? What Is Stalin? What Is Mao? What is Venezuela?", The Alex Jones Show, December 2017.
“[Henry, to the therapist] "You people always end up wanting to talk about mommy and daddy," I said, intending a joke, but it was more hostile than funny.”
Michael Nava (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The relation of the performance of music to sound is complex and ambiguous: this is what makes possible Mark Twain's joke that Wagner is better than he sounds.”
Charles Rosen (1927–2012) said by 2012 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Self-love is neither fantasy nor vulgar joke. The totality of the “I,” the inbuilt survival and self-protective trait, is one of the most unshakable syndromes known to psycho-science.”
Tanith Lee (1947–2015) said by 2015 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Bob: To God, homosexuality is no joke!”
Jack T. Chick (1924–2016) said by 2016 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Life, like art, is purposeless and unpredictable. That’s what makes it beautiful and rare! In life, we are given the choice between three paths: utopia, illusion or nonsense. The funny thing is, none of us get the joke.”
Gianni A. Sarcone (born 1962) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: ESOF (2010).
“What I'm trying to say is... I'm not going to say, "I hate" anything I ever made — but I will say this: My mother is much more proud of what I do now than all of the fart-joke videos I did in the past.”
Michael Stevens (educator) first seen 2014 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Responding to the question "What is your least favorite video?", in "IAMA: Michael Stevens of Vsauce" Reddit (29 April 2014)
“A Senator of the U.S., a woman, is still a sort of political joke with our masculine leaders in party politics.. But the trail has been blazed! The road is apparently rough—maybe rocky—but the trail has been located. It is an established fact. While it is also a romantic adventure, it will ever remain an historical precedent—never to be erased.”
Rebecca Latimer Felton (1835–1930) first seen 1922 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Nov. 7, 1922 .