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Woody Allen
130 quotes
“And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that "I run through the valley of the shadow of death" - in order to get OUT of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly, you see.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We have to take our possessions and flee. I'm very good at that. I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife — a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Once a lumberjack was about to chop down a tree, when he noticed a heart carved on it, with two names inside. Putting away his axe, he sawed down the tree instead. The point of that story escapes me, although six months later the lumberjack was fined for teaching a dwarf Roman numerals.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“He had been mistaken several times for Robert Redford, but on each occasion it was by a blind person.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“He was on his way to see Harriet about the alimony payments. He still loved Harriet, even though while they were married she had systematically attempted to commit adultery with all the R's in the Manhattan telephone directory.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, "How insignificant I am!" Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, and it rained. I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide again - this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And so he took Isaac to a certain place and prepared to sacrifice him but at the last minute the Lord stayed Abraham's hand and said, "How could thou doest such a thing?" And Abraham said, "But thou said-" "Never mind what I said," the Lord spake. "Doth thou listen to every crazy idea that comes thy way?" And Abraham grew ashamed. "Er-not really... no." "I jokingly suggest thou sacrifice Isaac and thou immediately runs out to do it." And Abraham fell to his knees, "See, I never know when you're kidding." And the Lord thundered, "No sense of humor. I can't believe it.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Lovborg's work can be divided into three periods. First came the series of plays dealing with anguish, despair, dread, fear, and loneliness (the comedies); the second group focused on social change (Lovborg was instrumental in bringing about safer methods of weighing herring); finally, there were the six great tragedies written just before his death, in Stockholm, in 1902, when his nose fell off, owing to tension.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“For fifty bucks, I learned, you could "relate without getting close." For a hundred, a girl would lend you her Bartók records, have dinner, and then let you watch while she had an anxiety attack. For one-fifty, you could listen to FM radio with twins. For three bills, you got the works: A thin Jewish brunette would pretend to pick you up at the Museum of Modern Art, let you read her master's, get you involved in a screaming quarrel at Elaine's over Freud's conception of women, and then fake a suicide of your choosing - the perfect evening, for some guys.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A fine example of a demonstration was the Boston Tea Party, where outraged Americans disguised as Indians dumped British tea into the harbor. Later, Indians disguised as outraged Americans dumped actual British into the harbor. Following that, the British disguised as tea, dumped each other into the harbor. Finally, German mercenaries clad only in costumes from The Trojan Women leapt into the harbor for no apparent reason.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Viscous and Sons had announced publication of The Annotated Poems of Sean O'Shawn, the great Irish poet, considered by many to be the most incomprehensible and hence the finest poet of his time. Abounding in highly personal references, an understanding of O'Shawn's work requires an intimate knowledge of his life, which, according to scholars, not even he had.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't recognize this committee's right to ask me these kind of questions! And furthermore, you can all go fuck yourselves.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I had dated a woman briefly in the Eisenhower administration, and it was ironic to me, because I was trying to do to her what Eisenhower had been doing to the country for the last 8 years.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“No wonder some people commit suicide! Why not end this absurdity? Why go through with this hollow charade called life? Why, except that somewhere within us a voice says, "Live." Always, from some inner region, we hear the command,"Keep living!" Cloquet recognized the voice; it was his insurance salesman. Naturally, he thought - Fishbein doesn't want to pay off.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My second wife was beautiful, but lacked real passion. I recall once, while we were making love, a curious optical illusion occurred and for a split second it almost looked as though she was moving.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Is anything in nature actually "perfect" with the exception of my Uncle Hyman's stupidity? Who am I to demand perfection? I, with my myriad faults. I made a list of my faults, but could not get past: 1) Sometimes forgets his hat.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I sit in a London pub with Willie Maugham. I am distressed, because my first novel, Proud Emetic, has been coolly received by the critics. Its one favorable notice, in the Times, was vitiated by the last sentence, which called the book "a miasma of asinine cliches unrivalled in Western letters." Maugham explains that while this quote can be interpreted many ways, it might be best not to use it in the print ads.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was Socrates. Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Death is a state of non-being. That which is not, does not exist. Therefore death does not exist. Only truth exists. Truth and beauty. Each is interchangeable, but are aspects of themselves. Er, what specifically did they say they had in mind for me?”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hey listen — I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Agathon: But all that talk about death being the same as sleep. Socrates: Yes, the difference is that when you're dead and somebody yells, "Everybody up, it's morning," it's very hard to find your slippers.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Taste my tuna casserole — tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[about his daughter] I'd rather she grew up here than grew up as an orphan, you know I can tolerate anybody's orphans but my own.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“...years of insanity have made this guy crazy!”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Harry: Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Harry: You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?... Well, bad example.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Harry: The most beautiful words in the English language aren't "I love you" but "it's benign.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Harry: Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing's gotta be the worst fucking job in the world.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Cookie: What are you sad about?Harry: I'm spiritually bankrupt. I'm empty.Cookie: What do you mean?Harry: I'm frightened. I got no soul, you know what I mean? Let me put it this way: when I was younger it was less scary waiting for Lefty than it is waiting for Godot.Cookie: You lost me!Harry: You know that the universe is coming apart? You know about that? You know what a black hole is?Cookie: Yeah. That's how I make my living.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Burt: Do you care even about the Holocaust or do you think it never happened?Harry: Not only do I know that we lost six million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Harry: No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Harry: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.”
Woody Allen (born 1935) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source