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Steven Wright

25 quotes

“[unenthusiastically at the beginning of every show in response to audience applause] "Thanks.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Sometimes you cannot hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept good. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises... gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven... They're right.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I bought a new camera. It's very advanced. You don't even need it.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It's a start...”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I tried to hang myself with bungie cords. I kept almost dying.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“About five years ago, somebody showed me some web sites that had my material all over them, and I thought that was fascinating. One reason was, I'd never seen my jokes written one right after another like that. I write on drawing paper—I don't even like lines on the paper—so I have notebooks all over the place with handwritten pieces of my act in them. So to see it go by, all typed out neatly, was like, "Wow." And then two or three years ago, someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn't write any of it. What's disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad.”
Steven Wright (born 1955) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source