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Stephen Colbert
77 quotes
“But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the Decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know — fiction.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday — no matter what happened Tuesday.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion — be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome! Your great country [of China] makes our Happy Meals possible!”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half, and polls show America agrees.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The other stunner that came out of the committee hearings was what the committee called the "big ripoff". The former president raised a quarter of a billion dollars off the big-lie, for a so-called "election defense fund", that investigators say, never existed... and this time we promise NO FRAUD.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2022 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Fight The Fraud Of The Former Fight The Fraud, Which Fought The Fraud Of The First Fraud Fund (via YouTube video 46,288 viewsJun 15, 2022)
“Yes, we all know the famous saying: where there’s smoke, there’s success.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2023 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Stephen Colbert on Biden’s Kyiv visit: ‘Like your dad meeting your boyfriend’ (Last modified on Tue 21 Feb 2023 18.30 GMT)
“He took showers with the other pros...”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2024 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Donald Trump talking on Trump Offers TMI About Arnold Palmer (October 21, 2024) a YouTube video
“The first time Donald Trump was elected, he started as a joke and ended as a tragedy. This time, he starts as a tragedy. Who knows what he'll end as?”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2024 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Plunging Back Into The Trump Hole | VP Harris Concedes | We Know What's Coming (November 6, 2024) a YouTube video
“This is rough. Last time Trump won, it felt like a grotesque fluke. This time, America knew exactly what they were getting and they went hard for him anyway. It's like that famous quote: "Those who do not learn from history... are me! Hey, that's me! Which reminds me, I wanted to look something up. Hey Google, did Joe Biden drop out of the election?”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2024 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Plunging Back Into The Trump Hole | VP Harris Concedes | We Know What's Coming (November 6, 2024) a YouTube video
“It’s a great day to be me because I am not Donald Trump.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Over the weekend it sunk in that they’re killing off our show. But they made one mistake: They left me alive!”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Would an untalented man be able to compose the following satirical witticism?: Go f-ck yourself.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I can finally speak unvarnished truth to power and say what I really think about Donald Trump—starting right now. I don’t care for him. Doesn’t seem to have, like, the skill-set to be President. Just not a good fit, you know?”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It’s not a great look when you fly on the pedophile’s plane enough times to earn diamond pervert status.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2025 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Stephen Colbert Is Practically Daring CBS to Shut Him Down Early" Time Magazine (July 25, 2025)
“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition ... and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2025 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Real Stephen Colbert quote about US being 'Christian nation that doesn't help the poor'?" Snopes (August 4, 2025)
“President Bill Clinton Reconsiders His #MeToo Comments (Jun 6, 2018 on Youtube)”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Shock Noms: Trump Picks Gaetz, Hegseth, Huckabee, Gabbard | Biden & Trump’s Cordial WH Meeting (Nov 13, 2024 on Youtube)”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty. People love the president because he's certain of his choices as a leader, even if the facts that back him up don't seem to exist. It's the fact that he's certain that is very appealing to a certain section of the country. I really feel a dichotomy in the American populace. What is important? What you want to be true, or what is true?”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: AV Club interview, (25 January 2006)
“As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America — with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side. But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good — over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hey, there. How are you doing? If you watch this show regularly, I'm guessing you're not doing great. Yeah, me neither. You know, uh, today? Uh, some people said to me, "Sorry you have to do a show tonight." Which is nice of them to say, but I don't have to do a show, I get to do a show tonight. I'm so grateful to be with all of these talented people -- those people over here, those people that you'll never see... With the audience in the Ed Sullivan, with you people at home? Because, especially at times like this, what do we most want to be? Not alone. So thanks for being here. Uh, we're gonna do a comedy show, it's a comedy show, we're gonna do some jokes in just a minute. Uh, 'cause that's what we do. And I'll let you in on a little secret: No one gets into this business because everything in their life worked out great. So we're built for rough roads.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2024 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: You Are Not Alone / The World Reacts To America's Decision (November 6, 2024) a YouTube video
“Oh, hey everybody. We got a great show for you tonight. Senator Adam Schiff was my guest. We harmonized on Seven Bridges Road. What a voice. I cried. But before we start the show, I want to let you know something that I found out just last night. Next year will be our last season. The network will be ending The Late Show in May. And… Yeah — I share your feelings — It's not just the end of our show, but it's the end of The Late Show on CBS. I'm not being replaced — this is all just going away. And I do want to say… I do want to say that the folks at CBS have been great partners. I'm so grateful to the Tiffany Network for giving me this chair and this beautiful theater to call home. And of course, I'm grateful to you, the audience, who have joined us every night in here, out there, all around the world, Mr. and Mrs. America, and all the ships at sea. I'm grateful to share the stage with this band, these artists over here every night. And I am extraordinarily deeply grateful to the 200 people who work here. We get to do this show. We get to do this show for each other every day, all day. And I've had the pleasure and the responsibility of sharing what we do every day with you in front of this camera for the last 10 years. And let me tell you, it is a fantastic job. I wish somebody else was getting it. And it's a job that I'm looking forward to doing with this usual gang of idiots for another 10 months. It's going to be fun. … Y'all ready?”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2025 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Stephen Colbert announces the cancellation of The Late Show" (17 July 2025)
“Folks, we have done over 1800 of these shows. And most nights, I come out here and I talk to the audience beforehand. And tonight, I thought I'd talk to the audience in here and the audience out there at home. This show -- I want you to know and you to know -- has been a joy for us to do for you. In fact, we call this show the Joy Machine! Alright? Lewis stole it from us and we are currently in litigation right now... You better lawyer up, buddy. We call it the Joy Machine because, to do this many shows, it has to be a machine. But the thing is, if you choose to do it with joy, it doesn't hurt as much when your fingers get caught in the gears. And I cannot adequately explain to you what the people who work here have done for each other and how much we mean to each other, so I would just say... So I would just say to them, you are all the great Achilles, whom we knew. Now, on night one of The Colbert Report back in the day, I said "Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you." And, uh... I realized pretty soon, in this job, that our job over here was different; we were here to feel the news with you. And I don't know about you, but I sure have felt it. And I just want to let all y'all know in here and out there how important you've been to what we have done. The energy that you've given us, we sincerely need that to have done the best possible show we could've for you, for the last eleven years. You've given it to us, we've given it all right back to you. What would you call that, Louis? [Louis Cato: I would call that a reciprocal emotional relationship.] That's exactly right, because we love doing this show for you. But what we really, really love is doing the show with you. Now, I'll say to you what I've said to every audience for the last eleven years, and I have meant it every time: Have a good show, thanks for being here, and let's do it, y'all.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2026 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: A Reciprocal Emotional Relationship - Colbert's Series Finale Begins With A Message For His Audience (May 21, 2026)