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Stephen Colbert

77 quotes

“I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2005 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Fresh Air" NPR interview (24 January 2005)
“(on Alex Jones) He is a terrible person who lies for a living.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2017 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Tonight Show," May 19, 2017.
“Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2009 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Colbert Report," November 12, 2009.
“Such a proud moment of professionalism. You work for years crafting cogent satirical essays and the thing that everybody remembers is me making love to a Chiquita and bursting into laughter. What you can't see off camera is Jon started laughing first. And then I'm weak. As much as I want to make the audience laugh, I really want to make Jon laugh.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Entertainment Weekly interview, August 13, 2004, on his character break during the infamous Prince Charles sketch on The Daily Show.
“My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned, but an idiot… So we said, "Let's give him a promotion.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2005 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Colbert spoofs cable news on Daily Show spinoff" Associated Press report (31 October 2005)
“I think of him as well intentioned, poorly informed, high status idiot.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On his character in The Colbert Report, in an interview on 60 Minutes (30 April 2006)
“You said the war would pay for itself in fruit baskets. You said that our soldiers would march in the streets of Havana and people would shower them with bananas and cigars. That didn’t happen. Would you like to look into the camera and apologize to the American people?”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: One of his questions to President Theodore Roosevelt in his series Better Know A President on The Colbert Report (17 May 2006)
“Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow. Saying yes leads to knowledge. "Yes" is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Knox College commencement address (3 June 2006)
“But you have one thing that may save you, and that is your youth. This is your great strength. It is also why I hate and fear you. Hear me out. It has been said that children are our future. But does that not also mean that we are their past? You are here to replace us. I don't understand why we're here helping and honoring them. You do not see union workers holding benefits for robots.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Knox College commencement address (3 June 2006)
“If I want to say he didn't that's my right, and now, thanks to Wikipedia — it's also a fact.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On the ownership of slaves by George Washington, on The Colbert Report (31 July 2006).
“Get your own entry in an encyclopedia... In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Wired Magazine article (14 August 2006)
“Well folks, it's October and you know what that means: only a few more weeks 'til Hallowe'en when my family traditionally puts up our Christmas decorations. People come from far and wide to visit our haunted manger. We make their kids stick their hands in a spoooky bowl of Frankincense!! It's actually just spaghetti.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On The Colbert Report (28 September 2006). Video available at Colbert Nation
“Language has always been important in politics, but language is incredibly important to the present political struggle. Because if you can establish an atmosphere in which information doesn't mean anything, then there is no objective reality. The first show we did, a year ago, was our thesis statement: What you wish to be true is all that matters, regardless of the facts. Of course, at the time, we thought we were being farcical.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: New York Magazine interview (16 October 2006)
“I have tender feelings for Nixon, because everybody has warm feelings about their childhood. Actually, I didn't like the Watergate trials 'cause they interrupted The Munsters... Nixon was the last liberal president. He supported women's rights, the environment, ending the draft, youth involvement, and now he's the boogeyman? Kerry couldn't even run on that today.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Rolling Stone interview (31 October 2006)
“We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Rolling Stone interview (31 October 2006)
“I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes. If people learn something about the news by watching the show, that is incidental to my goal.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: When asked what he perceives his role to be, given that many young people claim to get their news from The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, on newsman."Harvard University: A Conversation with Stephen Colbert" (1 Decem…
“Answer honestly... Disabuse me of my ignorance. Don’t let me get away with anything. Don’t try to play my game. Be real. Be passionate. Hold your ideas. Give me resistance. Give me traction I can work against. The friction between reality, or the truly held concerns of the person, and the farcical concerns that I have, or my need to seem important, as opposed to actually understanding what’s true... Where those two things meet is where the comedy happens. So be real. That's the best thing you can do. And call me on my bullshit.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On how he would recommend Colbert Report guests approach interviews, on A Conversation with Stephen Colbert (1 December 2006).
“I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche, and then applies an antibiotic cream... Obviously, it’s a challenge to make light of the darkness but, um, it’s better than crying about it.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Entertainment Weekly interview (4 January 2007)
“I'm surprised at the reaction it got. I went down there and did exactly what I wanted. I didn't expect it to be some sort of cultural-political line in the sand. I did the style of jokes I'd been doing for six months. The fact that anybody found it surprising or alarming that I would do that was educational to me.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On the reaction to his performance at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, in Entertainment Weekly (4 January 2007)
“At Pottery Barn, if you knock over a lamp, you have to glue it back together, even if when you're done it looks terrible and it doesn't work. Oh, and you have to stay in the store forever. Oh, and it's an exploding lamp.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On the "Pottery Barn Rule," The Colbert Report (16 May 2007)
“We decided that my character had a pre-show tradition, like a ritual, which was to sing the lyrics to "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick into the mirror. Because, more than anything else, as much as he says he's bringing the truth, he just wants to be liked.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Parade web exclusive interview (19 September 2007)
“Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Parade interview (23 September 2007)
“After acting for so many years, do you know who you are anymore? Because actors are liars basically, you lie about who you are to an audience.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2014 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Stephen Colbert to Viggo Mortensen, The Colbert Report September 18, 2014
“We worked very hard to keep him from being a jerk by keeping in mind he's well intentioned. Just poorly informed. He wants to do the right thing but has none of the tools to achieve it. Because he has no curiosity, he doesn't like to read and he won't listen anybody, except the voices in his head.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On his character in The Colbert Report in an interview on Larry King Live (11 October 2007)
“Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don’t need to care about science, literature or peace.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: A Mock Columnist, Amok", in The New York Times (14 October 2007)
“While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: A Mock Columnist, Amok", in The New York Times (14 October 2007)
“Well, I thought it was funny.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: A six-word autobiography, NationalPost.com, (13 December 2007)
“I teach Sunday School, motherfucker.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2008 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Interviewing Stanford University professor emeritus Dr. Philip Zimbardo, author of the book The Lucifer Effect. After an increasingly heated debate on the problem of theodicy, Colbert sets the record straight responding…
“It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2008 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: In response to a question about what he would put into a Jon Stewart Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor, University of Buffalo Distinguished Speakers Series (4 April 2008)
“Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2008 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: A parody of the "Give a man a fish..." proverb alluding to the subprime mortgage crisis of the aughts on The Colbert Report (14 May 2008)
“The market is not finished. The market still has over nine thousand points to drop. We'll get to Christmas at least.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2008 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On the Financial crisis of 2008 The Colbert Report (6 October 2008)
“If you don't give power to the words that people throw at you to hurt you, they don't hurt you anymore — and you actually have power over those people. … So, if you can, realize that the things that people say about you — they don't really matter — it's who you are. And the older you get, the more you'll understand that — because it gets better. And people get nicer too.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2011 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Stephen Colbert - It Gets Better (13 July 2011)
“Accountability is meaningless unless it's for everybody, whether it's the leader of the network or the leader of the free world.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2018 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Addressing problems on sexual misconduct in the workplace, and holding people accountable. The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (31 July 2018)
“The message of Christ isn't that you can't kill me. The message of Christ is you can kill me and that's not death.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2020 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Interview with Joe Hagan appearing in Vanity Fair, October 2020
“When you’re in this room, I don’t know how to describe it. It’s soaked in history. It just washes over you. I mean, it’s not even like it’s in the past. You’re in history. You’re in it.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2021 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Stephen Colbert Tells Rep. Adam Schiff What Russian Oligarch Revealed About Trump 'Pee Tape'" (2021?)+videos
“There once was a man in Nantucket Whose poll numbers really did suck it; At least he is not That orange pol pot Who ate all his meals from a bucket.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) first seen 2021 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Limerick from his opening monologue of of 25 November 2021, after reading about President Biden's revival of his family's tradition of visiting Nantucket at Thanksgiving.
“Before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I believe it's yogurt, but I refuse to believe it's not butter.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound — with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city... Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center, and a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar I guess is what I'm describing.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: Don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you're strong enough to stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone". Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass, is my point. But I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Jesse Jackson is here. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he’s going to say what he wants at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.”
Stephen Colbert (born 1964) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source