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Sarah Silverman
38 quotes
“You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? — It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not "born again Christian" … oh! — "pathological liar.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) first seen 1992 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Comments to a member of the audience, in "Sarah Silverman-Early Standup (1992)
“Once I was with two men in one night. But I could never do it again—I could hardly walk afterward. Two dinners? That's a lot of food.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) first seen 1999 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Penthouse magazine (December 1999)
“I got jury duty … and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) first seen 2001 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Conan O'Brien Show (11 July 2001) In the original joke, Silverman had said "niggers" instead of "chinks", the network asked her to change it from the first to the latter. The network and O'Brien then apologized for …
“I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) first seen 2005 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: To Courtney Love on her Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson (14 August 2005)
“I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) first seen 2005 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: To Pamela Anderson on the Comedy Central Roast (14 August 2005)
“Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people that believe it was the blacks.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) first seen 2005 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The New Yorker (24 October 2005)
“I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way". I always think I should get on it if I want to have kids. Because once you hit thirty it can be difficult to conceive — it can be dangerous. The best time to conceive is when you're a black teenager.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) first seen 2005 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Rolling Stone (3 November 2005)
“I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time — it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Interview with boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel for Esquire magazine (January 2007)
“Wow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing … have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: MTV Video Music Awards (9 September 2007)
“This song brings me back … I was brutally raped to this song.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) first seen 2009 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Real Time with Bill Maher episode 145, 13 March 2009
“Hey, is it considered molestation if the child makes the first move? I'm gonna need a quick answer on this.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) first seen 2009 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 6 July 2009 tweet on Twitter (archived)
“I wear this Saint Christopher medal sometimes, because – I'm Jewish, but my boyfriend is Catholic. It was cute, the way he gave it to me. He said if it doesn't burn through my skin, it will protect me. Who cares? Different religions.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The only time it's an issue, I suppose, would be like if you're having a baby and you've got to figure out how you want to raise it. Which still wouldn't be an issue for us, because we'd be … honest, and just say, you know, like, "Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Jesus is magic, you know, because he turned water to wine, and, um … he, um … I think he made the Statue of Liberty disappear in the 80's.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When that Jesus movie came out, Jews didn't want people to see it. Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it up on the Romans. I am one of the few people that believe it was the blacks!”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't care. Good! I hope the Jews did kill Christ. I'd do it again! I'd fucking do it again in a second.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People are always introducing me as "Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne." I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am – I'm white!”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The writers of Sanford and Son were so brave in bringing their program to television. I mean, working with all those black people!”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I dated a guy who was half-black, but he dumped me because I'm such a loser. Wow, I shouldn't say things like that. I'm such a pessimist … he's actually half-white.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, [in a gruff male voice] "I want pussy!" Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but [flattered smile] he was talking about me!”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've sued my manager for sexual harassment. And it's real hard, and a big strain on me. Because he hasn't done anything.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was raped by a doctor … which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I saw my father's penis once. But it was okay, because I was so young … and so drunk.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A couple nights ago, I was licking jelly off my boyfriend's penis. And I thought, "Oh my God – I'm turning into my mother!”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I want to get an abortion. But my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“On the law that requires women to wait twenty-four hours before they are permitted to have an abortion: I think it's a good law. The other day I wanted to go get an abortion. I really wanted an abortion, but then I thought about it and it turned out I was just thirsty.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When God gives you AIDS – and God does give you AIDS – make lemon-AIDS!”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I love you more than bears love honey, I love you more than Jews love money, I love you more than Asians are good at math. I love you even if it's not hip, I love you more than black guys don't tip, I love you like Puerto Ricans need baths.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Also, I learned whether you are gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know … because, at the end of the day, they're both gross. But mostly, I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years … but younger black women are prostitutes.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[holds up an egg] This is AIDS. AIDS is as real as an egg.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'll take this opportunity to answer one of the most repeated questions: why didn't I choose to depict Mohammed having sex? The answer is simple. I don't want to get blown up with explosives. I'm afraid of angering Muslims, but not afraid of angering Jews and Christians. So I chose to depict the Judeo-Christian God instead. It seems extremely obvious to me, but so many people asked.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee (2010). Referring to a sketch on The Sarah Silverman Program in which her character slept with God.
“I Hope The Jews Did Kill Christ. I’d Fucking Do It Again in a Second.”
Sarah Silverman (born 1970) first seen 2017 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 26 March 2017 Times of Israel.