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Robin Williams

73 quotes

“I would like to do for you now, a Japanese science fiction movie: "Attack of the Killer Vibrators.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) first seen 1977 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Performance at the L.A. Improv (1977)
“Before I go on, I want to ask if there are any Hell's Angels here tonight? [no response] … Those pussy-whipped faggots!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) first seen 1977 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Performance at the L.A. Improv (1977)
“I would like to do Shakespeare's only unknown piece, That's the Way I Lick It ... It's a bleak night my Lord. Look! The moon like a testicle hangs low in the sky. This bodes not well. ... Anon, post-haste, let's get a larger crowd in here. Free Cocaine! There's no luck. Does anyone have drugs to ease my pain? My Kingdom for a Quaalude! … It is the end! I must go, for I cannot come here, and yet, it has been brief, 'tis over, and the lights do turn bright. I'm melting! Help me! Help me!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) first seen 1977 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Performance at the L.A. Improv (1977)
“You're only given a little spark of madness and if you lose that, you're nothin'.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) first seen 1978 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: A Night at the Roxy (1978)
“Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table is ready.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) first seen 1990 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in The Fourth—And by Far the Most Recent—637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1990) edited by Robert Byrne, p, 518
“Parry is a man with a previous life that was so damaged that he had to create another personality. … It's like post-traumatic stress syndrome: Some people respond to traumatic or tragic events by withdrawal; some even create other personalities. Parry is a creation — somewhat Don Quixote, somewhat Groucho Marx — but he's a creation designed to avoid a past event.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) first seen 1991 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On his role in The Fisher King (1991), as quoted in "Dreams: The Fisher King" (2006) edited by Phil Stubbs
“Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) first seen 2013 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Robin Williams on Returning to TV, Getting Sober, and Downsizing in His 60s", Parade (12 September 2013)
“I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back though.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[spoofing Mister Rogers] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... oh, damn, someone stole my sneakers. Let's do some wonderful things today, boys and girls; but first, do you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house. Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay?... He knows where he's going. BEEP! Pop goes the weasel! That's severe radiation. Can you say "severe radiation"? Oh, look, you got a little balloon now.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[as a Shakespearean narrator] Mind not my words — Let the play be the thing. I'll get back forth and touch myself anon.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, "People: They're kinda like flowers and it's been a privilege walking in your garden." My love goes with you.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Money! Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going, "Two Jews walk into a bar...”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The sound crapped out for a bit, that's why I'm using SupposiSound! No one wants their tapes back, I wonder why.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called home basing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick!," Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[On football] You're playing a game against a man called the Refrigerator! He's not a refrigerator – he's a goddamn HOUSE with LEGS!!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[On husbands sharing their wives' childbearing experience] Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumcise yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Thank you. How-DY! Whoops, wrong opera house. How do you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Comparing Ronald Reagan's Cabinet to Star Wars] There's Henry Kissinger as Yoda, "Must now cannot see understanding that I be here for you. I will show you now, Nicaragua, Cambodia, Nicaragua, Cambodia, shhh. Must later understand!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Cocaine addiction is God's way of saying "You make too damn much money!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniels is the wheelchair.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The professor was on acid, and sometimes he'd shout, "I'm Lincoln!" And then, there'd be a kid in the back, "I'm Booth!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(On creating) And you get that little endorphin buzz, it's great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don't think he was going "You know this is some dynamite weed! It's all relative you know.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(Imitating Royal Family) I've tell you we've not been inbred but don't look at the ears. That's all we can do is screw in a light bulb. Look at the teeth, look at the ears and go, something's gone wrong. Gene pool is a jacuzzi back up.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'd like to welcome you the AOPA. There's also aa-AOPA. If this is your first time flying a plane on alcohol, I'd like to welcome ya!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(Imitating Pavarotti) "It is amazing I know it is huge. BEHOLD IT. IT IS GROWING. ALL OF MY PHALLUS IS A SHOWING!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Now, Michael Jackson is claiming racism. I'm going, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first." Baby, what are you claiming, mistreatment of elves? What are you saying?”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[About drug testing at the 1998 Winter Olympics] They said that marijuana was a performance-enhancing drug. BZZZT! Marijuana enhances many things: colors, tastes, sensations...but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn FEET!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And that's when you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[About pre-9/11 and post-9/11 airport security] Airport security, remember before all this happened, was like, BEEP, 'Okay, get on the plane. Come on, get on the plane. Hold on one moment. What's that? Oh, that's a gun. Okay, get on the plane!' You could carry a four-inch blade on a plane. That's about that long. What are you doing, West Side Story in the aisle? "Going down the aisle! Crazy aisle!" Now, you can't even carry a nail-clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're gonna go "ALL RIGHT! Gimme the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle! I have a nail file! I can be irritating!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Dubya doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“One of the fundamental things is in a jihad. That sounds like a country western term like, "Jiii-had!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And people say to me, they say Jesus wasn't Jewish. I say of course he was Jewish. Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents? Come on! Working in his father's business, his mother thought he was God's gift? He's Jewish! Give it up! It's an old tradition!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But I know, as beatific as Gandhi was, there was somebody in a Bombay bar going, "I knew Gandhi...he was a prick. I saw him sucking down a pork hot dog, hitting on Mother Teresa. He kept saying, 'Who's your diaper daddy? Who's your diaper daddy?'”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And the French. The French have a bomb, too. Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb—ah! Only destroys restaurants under 4 stars. And they still test their bombs. They're one of the few people who still detonate their bombs. The underground test. Where do they do it? In the Sahara in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? "Because we're French. [pantomimes smoking a cigarette] Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest—fuck off. I sink you.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck all of you! You cultureless, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu—the Germans are here! Hello, Americans! I love you!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[About the Swiss] The nice Germans, Yeah. Or as they like to say, the other white race. Now, I have only one question. How can you trust an army, how butch is an army that has a wine opener on its knife? "Many of you have never opened Chardonnay under fire! First, you pull the cork out, sniff it, say, "Meat or fish?", and throw! (Military cadence) I don't know, but I've been told, Chardonnay must be served cold! Ja!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time. "The ball is starting...the ball is going to the...HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!" Just to see all those old WASPy motherfuckers go "Oh dear Christ! My God, they're not gardening, they're playing now, oh shit! What the hell are we gonna do?" Because that was their last domain of dominance. It was their area, they were the king, up until...Tiger. Yesss. Son of a black man and a Thai woman, not even a German geneticist could've thought that one up!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here! Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And I know many of you are looking for Sarah Palin's new book, it is a bitch to find. Good luck. I found it somewhere between fiction and nonfiction, in the fantasy aisle.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[talking to woman in audience about newcomers] That's your old boss? Did you fuck him? [loud laugher] Sorry. Okay. Not an inappropriate question to ask in Washington.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And California weed is kick-ass fuckin' weed. This is weed that even Jamaicans go "Oh, don't smoke that weed, man." It's California Catatonic. The type of weed, you hit it and it's like...[pantomimes smoking a blunt] "FUCK! Shit...I'm not doing something. What is it? Oh right, BREATHE!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And if they legalize it, they're gonna have to regulate it and they're gonna have to put a warning on a box of joints. It's gonna have to say, "Surgeon General has determined this will make your music...awesome! Even Yanni. And if you think you liked cartoons before...”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Somebody's losing a trailer.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[imitating weatherman] "Okay, let's go to our new hurricane weather map...(screen behind him shows a massive cyclone) ...FUCK! This is Hurricane Siobhan. The map is the entire South. The asshole in the middle is Dallas...um, crazy...back to you, Ted, I just shit myself.”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There is one man that we can run for office that even the French would say "Fuck off!" That man...is Jack Nicholson. Yes! You will never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone!”
Robin Williams (1951–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source