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Mitch Hedberg
160 quotes
“I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but there are 2 trees involved. They said "Let's call this hotel 'Something Tree'". So they had a meeting, it was... It was quite short. "How 'bout 'Tree'?" "No." "'Double Tree'?" "Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!" "I had my heart set on 'Quadruple Tree'" "Well, we were almost there!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says "Can I help you?" "Just practicing.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Check this joke out: If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be... Fuckin'... Surprised. I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke, like "During that joke, he points to the back." So people get the full experience. I'm gonna do a bunch of jokes that require actually seeing me. Then the CD will piss people off.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, right? That’s a showbiz term for "add sugar to".”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hey, this joke's on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can't fuckin’ rob you of this one: I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow shit. I said “C’mon, what about some celery? You fuckers don’t farm. Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen." That's... That's the part that's not on the old CD.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause the customer is always right. (reacting to meager applause) All right, all right. That joke’s better than you acted. Perhaps it’s not. Maybe it’s dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I'm not a fuckin', genius, for Christ's sake, you know? I'm just tryin' to tell some jokes. Shit, who the fuck are you? That track is number 14. It’s called "Attitude.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I'd buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? Liar!" My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at 10 a.m. and say "Hey, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So it said "You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95." I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination; good luck, fucker! The last payment must be made in wampum!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. They take out the "O" and the "U". So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!" "I stubbed my toe, -ch!" "I need to lay down on the c-ch!" "I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one... and every one on the bottom row!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I got a "do not disturb" sign on my hotel door. It says "do not disturb". Its time to go with "don't disturb". Its been "do not disturb" for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. "Don't disturb". "Do Not" psyches you out. "'Do,' alright I get to disturb this guy... 'Not,' SHIT! I need to read faster!" I like to wear "do not disturb" signs around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. "Say, how you doin', nephew." "Knock Knock?" "Read the sign, punk!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe-S. Reese-apostrophe-S, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate... That robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory "You owe me some letters!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(referring to his drink) I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These fuckin' straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said "We're going straight to the mouth. That fucker who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Listerine hurts, man; when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I like an escalator, because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just an, "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I love sandwiches. Sandwiches are easy to eat, but I hate sandwiches at New York delis; too much fuckin' meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. Walk in, order a pastrami sandwich. "Alright, anything else?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!" "What kinda bread?" "Rye. No, fuck, banana. You got banana bread back there?" "What kinda cheese?" "Cottage." "Get the fuck out! I'm not makin' a banana bread, pastrami, cottage cheese sandwich! That would severely ruin my reputation!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliance. Seems like the easiest job ever. You know, refrigerator, toaster, blender... You just say what the thing does and then you add '-er'. Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. "What's this do?" "It keeps shit fresh." "Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I went to the Home Depot yesterday, which was unnecessary; I need to go to the Apartment Depot. It's just a bunch of guys standing around going "Hey, we ain't gotta fix shit.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Intro* Alright, there are a lot of people in the bathroom and I don't wanna waste these jokes, so I'm gonna hang out for a little bit. Are there speakers in the bathroom? Alright well fuck it, let's do it. I'll just save my more physical stuff for later; this is all audio.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Lull is one letter away from being four L's in a... Aw fuck. I thought I had a concept there, but then I realized, no, you do not.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Steam rollers run shit over to make sure it's good. Like if they want to test a product, they'll run over it with a steam roller. How do you know the steam roller's good? Who ran over the steam roller?”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This 'Improv' sign is all over, all the improvs have it, and in Tempe, Arizona, the sign is made out of gold. I swear to God. And the dude wasn't gonna pay me, so I stole the 'M', 'cause the 'M' seems like it weighs the most. Followed by the 'R'. Then the 'P'. The 'P' was one little thing away from being as heavy as the 'R'. So I had a gold 'M', and I asked the guy if he'd like to buy a Gold 'M'. He said "No, what the fuck do I want a gold 'M' for?" "Well how 'bout a gold 'W'?" {pause for laughter} I had a bad set here last night, and they added an 'E' to the end of the sign.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Somebody's got a hat they're not wearing... either that or that table's fucking hip.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said "Bullshit!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Audience Member: Hey Mitch, I got something to put in that pipe for ya!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source