Famous quotes

Quotes by famous people, credited to who said them. Your own quotes must not match any of these. More are added all the time. 1,158,269 quotes Who coined it · How we decide

English Italiano Polski עברית Français Português فارسی Español 中文 Русский Deutsch العربية हिन्दी 日本語 Ελληνικά Latina

Mitch Hedberg

160 quotes

“I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a doorknob on your side, but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) first seen 1999 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Comedy Central Presents, S01E06: Mitch Hedberg (5 January 1999)
“I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!" (laughter) See, this is a smart crowd. Whenever I play for a dumb crowd, I say, "You got a lot of shit on your head!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I went to the store and bought eight apples. The clerk said, "Do you want me to put them in a bag?" I said, "Oh no, man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I'm ever here buying nine apples, bag 'em up!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Just For Laughs gala, Hedberg's final Just For Laughs performance (2004)
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...oh, wait it's at home...in the file...under 'D', for doughnut.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I am not addicted to gambling although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn", and they should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah".”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This is what my friend said to me; he said "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A guy told me he liked cherries... But... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato... Before I realized he likes cherries just... All right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." I said "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "Man, I should have just said 'Yeah.'”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I dressed up for the CD.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said "Fuck it, cut em up!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion!... Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six... At least. Snake eyes!" I just said "snake eyes." That's a gambling term. Or it's a animal term too.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... What's it look like?”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I play sports... No I don't, what the fuck?”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... Alright.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I'm like "hey, hold on fellas! Lemme hold one of you, and feed you a leaf". Koalas, they're so fucking cute, why do they gotta be so far away from me. They should ship a few over, and I will apprehend one... And hold him... And pet him on the back of his head.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... So that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin' ass.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If I was a locksmith I'd be fuckin' pimpin' that shit out. "Say, what's goin' on, man? Tell you what. I'll trade you a free key duplication (laughs)." That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good 'cause there's no ending.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was at the airport a while back and some guy said "Hey man, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said "Dude! I saw you at the airport... About a minute ago... And you were good.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You can't please all the people all the time. And yesterday, all those people were at my show.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Acid is my favorite drug, it opened my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God-god dammit-dammit.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said "You sound older!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th Floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401". "No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!".”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be... A thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this goddamn thing! This fuckin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the fuck?" and I will pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fishsticks in shit! That's, that's actually kind of gross, you know? After that joke, I always clarify that I'm just jokin'. I do not know how much tartar I actually have. I believe it's the average amount. If we all took a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the fuckin' middle.”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!”
Mitch Hedberg (1968–2005) said by 2005 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source