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Louis C.K.
62 quotes
“Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed … into my mouth.”
Louis C.K. (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact. He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart.”
Louis C.K. (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.”
Louis C.K. (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm buying a Cinnabon … at the airport … I arrived at. You understand why that's extra disgusting, right? Because when you're at the airport you're leaving from, you can say, "Oh, I gotta eat. I need some food, because I might be trapped in the sky forever, so I should eat right now." But I've landed. The trip is over. I'm 20 minutes from my house, where I got bananas and apples and shit. And I'm sitting on my luggage just fucking eating a Cinnabon with a fork and knife.”
Louis C.K. (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.”
Louis C.K. (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, "Ugh" …”
Louis C.K. (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.”
Louis C.K. (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I— finally, I have the body that I want, and that's a thing people really covet. It's a hard thing to achieve, and I did. And I'm going to tell you how to have exactly the body that you want. You just have to want a shitty body. That's all it is. You have to want your own shitty, ugly, disgusting body.”
Louis C.K. (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to 'em ... even if they're wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.”
Louis C.K. (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and ill-advised, and the whole species' existence counts on them doing it. I don't know how they...how do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? We're the number one threat to women. Globally and historically, we're the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women. We're the worst thing that ever happens to them. That's true! You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.”
Louis C.K. (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'll do all the announcements that you would have heard. Please turn off your cell phones. You can take pictures but turn off the flash. That's stupid, because it's not-- You know when you're watching the World Series and there's all that-- Like your flash is lighting Yankee Stadium. Just leave your flash off. Don't yell out during the show. If you have something you want to say to me... This is what we do. We write it down and then you go outside in the lobby and then you go home and you f-yourself because, that's selfish. This is a rhetorical performance. It's got nothing to do with you. Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing.”
Louis C.K. (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I had to be the head of the household really for the first time and say okay, I have to actually make a rule that we’re going to live by here. And I decided what it was is that the family comes over the work always. I mean, with the kids it’s a priority. Because I wanted them to have a feeling like they could count on me like I was really there, I wasn’t just visiting. I didn’t want one of these moments like, “Jeez, honey, I’m sorry I’m not going to see you this week or this month or whatever because I’m going to LA.” I got some offers early that go out to LA and do parts on sitcoms and I said no, because it meant going and being away for a month.”
Louis C.K. (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source