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Lewis Black

116 quotes

“I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday. You're wearing a costume and people are giving you pennies and you're going, "Well, give me some candy, you fuck." And the grown-ups tell you, "Absolutely not. You've got your pennies. Now go build a village, you little shit." It still brings a tear to my eye.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren't flying around.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The Catholics have it right. I love what they do. That whole "the pope's infallible" thing is tremendous. Let's face facts: If you took somebody with no religious leanings whatsoever and locked that person in a psych ward with nobody around and no stimuli, the Catholic church is exactly what he'd come up with. "Listen to this. There's this old guy in a dress, see? He wears all these great costumes and wherever he says about anything from birth control to what to watch on television, that's it, 'cause pope knows best. He can't lift his head up, but, fuck, he's a genius.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And I will tell you, because I was six feet from the TV set, that no one—no one—saw a tit. There was no titty to be seen. I know that's a fact, because I'm a guy that, if there's a titty, I'm the first one to look. And if you actually thought that you saw a titty, then... you were desperate to see one. Much like someone crossing a desert might see the mirage of water.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The image was not on the screen long enough for it to hit your eye and go to the back of your brain and register "nipple". 'Cause without the nipple, you ain't got no titty. What you have is a shoulder without bone structure.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And then, one by one, they came onto the screen late in the day to pontificate about how we were going into a moral sewer. How this image of a breast at a family halftime show was not only disgusting, it was disturbing, it was shocking, it was indecent. I thought "Uh, it's just a tit. And none of those adjectives really fucking apply.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But what about the children, Lewis? I can hear some of you asking. What about the children? It's more disturbing for the child to hear adults talking about seeing a tit as being disturbing and disgusting and indecent and shocking than it is for a child to see one. You know? There is no child who, when a breast is exposed to them accidentally, has suffered a moral epileptic seizure.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And part of the problem is, those who lead us do not remember at all what it was like to be a child. I know what it was like when I was nine. And when I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Saturday in hopes that they'd remove the clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true. Sad, but fuckin' true. And most kids, I can guarantee, were not damaged by seeing a breast. Most kids probably said "Son of a bitch! I can't wait to see the other one!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence... what it does... it's illegal!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The Pledge of Allegiance, ultimately, is coffee for elementary school students. "...And to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. FUCK, I'm at SCHOOL! Can we say it again? I need a second cup.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Music is like a drug; when you hear it, you have a vision. And that vision can change over time or remain the same. You know, that first time you’re in love and you hear a love song and every time you think about it you have that vision of your special someone. And then two years later, after you broke up, you’re at the bar. And you hear that song and you go, "Son of a bitch... I’ll have a Jaeger.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Michael Jackson? That's all I gotta say. ...He's become a punchline. He has! Michael Jackson is a punchline. To any joke you want. If you ever forget the punchline to a joke, all you gotta say is 'Michael Jackson.' "Two Jews walk into a bar... Michael Jackson!" "Why did the chicken cross the road? Michael Jackson!" "So the farmer brings his daughter to the dinner table--Michael Jackson!" It works for fucking anything!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of your state. How am I, as a comedian, supposed to create a reality that encompasses that?”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The argument we have about abortion is not about abortion. It's about when life begins. And we argue it, and we argue, and we argue! And I say we take all the people who think they know and yell and scream and they're sure when life begins and they're sure when life ends, and we lock them in a room. And we tell them to figure it out. And they don't come out until they do. And if they can't, then we kill them.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The toughest thing about performing here is, where do you go from here? Next week, I'm at the Fort Lauderdale Performing Arts Center.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm only allowed to say 'fuck' twelve times.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't know if you realize, but I use the word "Fuck," so that I can think of other stuff.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Maybe there are a group of gay banditos... who, every night climb into a van and go from village to dell, from community to community. They wander, and as the sun is coming down, just setting over a suburban village, the gays drive in. And there in a cul-de-sac, there in the light of a house, you can see a young American family, sitting down for their evening meal. And those gays... put on their masks and their festive colored robes, and sneak slowly into the house... and begin to FUCK EACH OTHER IN THE ASS! AND ANOTHER AMERICAN FAMILY IS DESTROYED!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[On Yom Kippur] The rabbi intones that today is the day that God will put your name in the Book of Life... or the Book of DEATH. I'm five, and I'm going, "Uhhh, what the fuck is that? The book of WHAT?!?" Death? Death was not anything that had ever occurred to me. My greatest fear was that my parents were going to leave me in a grocery store.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was on CNN in Atlanta at one o'clock in the afternoon because apparently everybody else was asleep, and they asked me what I thought of CNN and I said, "I liked CNN until you started that writing on the bottom." I don't know why it's there. Why do you put writing on a television set? We watch TV... BECAUSE WE DON'T WANNA READ! We want somebody to read the shit to us so we can close our eyes and touch our nuts!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“iPod [sic] now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween...don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next Tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go "who are you," and you can say..."I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went "Wow, it's not me!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George [Bush]. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. If you're the President, you should go "We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face." The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, "Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope - a lot of rope, and then he hung all of us with it. I should have known it when I heard him say "When it comes to evolution, the jury is still out." What jury, where? The Scopes Trial is over.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[on the creation myth] This is a wonderful story that was told to the people in the desert, in order to distract them from the fact that they did not have air conditioning. I would love to have the faith to believe that it took place in seven days, but... I have thoughts. And that can really fuck up the faith thing. Just ask any Catholic priest.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[about how the Earth was created] And then there are fossils. Whenever anybody tries to tell me that they believe it took place in seven days, I reach for a fossil and go "Fossil!" And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their head.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There are people who believe that dinosaurs and men lived together, that they roamed the Earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone. Cold. Fuck. Nuts. I can't be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flinstones as if it were a documentary.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They were hunting in a place that rich people pay to hunt at, okay? They actually... they drive them to where the animals are! That is not fucking hunting! There's a fence around the place! Son of a bitch! They means they go, when they're tracking the deer, "Oh, look, we got 'em in the corner!" They turned an donalds hiccups into Auschwitz!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Equestrian," by the by - that's the gayest word in the English language. As a matter of fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called "Two Equestrians." There's nothing worse than going to some event that you have no interest in. I didn't give a shit, but you gotta pretend! I mean, what do you say at a horse show? "Look at the cock on that one! I'd say he's a winner, if he doesn't trip over it!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“North Korea is the country that the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz came from.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“FEMA? I always thought it was a bone here in your ass.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[about solar energy] If you ask your congressman why, he'll say "Because it's hard. It's really hard. Makes me want to go poopie." You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[About the "movers and the shakers" of the government] These people are the first line of defense when it comes to the terrorist threat, but the word "shit" makes them cry. "Why didn't he say poopie?! Why didn't he say poopie?!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Christians... get Christmas under control. Seriously. It won't stop! It doesn't stop, does it? It's always Christmas now! Make it the whole year! It's the only time you pricks are happy!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think "Aw, it's gonna be shitty." NO! You say "This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!" And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking "You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I believe that the way in which we should truly live is we should think about what we're going to do, and then not do it. Your boss comes in on Monday and goes, "Hey! You're my go-to guy — I need a report by Friday." You go, "I'll get right on it, chief!" And then you head back to your desk and you put your feet up and you spend the week thinking about it. And then he comes in on Friday and goes, "Where's my report?" And you say, with a big grin on your face, "I didn't do it!" And he goes, "Why not?" and then you say, "Because I didn't want to disappoint you!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Or... if you actually waited until you were married to lose your virginity, because you are so much a better person than the sniveling snot that we are, you were able to do that, because you were able to wait through everything, through all those feelings, all those hormones, all of that, you could wait, until that night to make love to (for the first time) to the person that you are gonna make love to for the rest of your life, because you are a gambler on a level that I have never fuckin' imagined! My hat is off to you! Wow! What courage!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[On Las Vegas audiences] Those audiences are wonderful. Talk about the most bitter group of people on the planet Earth! For one brief shining moment, I am Mr. Happy!”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I lost my virginity to a [record] skip. "Lay Lady Lay--Lay Lady Lay--Lay Lady Lay". We didn't even get to the big brass bed part.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If anyone is as angry as I am, it's the good people of Detroit.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Why would I be excited that a Democrat won? Seriously, over the past eight years the Democrats didn't do SHIT! Basically, the last eight years, I feel, the Republicans stood around farting; and the Democrats went "Ooh, let me smell it.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Everybody knew there was a housing bubble. You'd fucking go to a neighbor, "Gee, that house costed $60,000 last year, and now it costs $600,000?! What did they do?!" "Well, they put a gazebo in the back.”
Lewis Black (born 1948) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source