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Kathy Griffin
98 quotes
“I might imply in my act that Clay (Aiken) is a big, fat homo!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When Clay Aiken comes to your town - GO! It is a spectacle. It is the gayest thing I have ever seen! Organisers of the Pride Fest in San Francisco are like "We're fucked"!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Because he loves pussy. Except it smells like fish!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know how you get that pre-diarrhoea feeling in your stomach? I'm not saying I shit my pants. But I knew I only had about 90 seconds to play with!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I know that Lindsay (Lohan) has lost a lot of weight recently, due to diet, Pilates and crack. Without the diet and Pilates.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What? Steven Spielberg is furious with me? I won't be able to star in any more Steven Spielberg movies? What will I do with my day? Suck my dick!!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Cause you know my joke is that I love her (Oprah Winfrey) but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like "Oh, stigmata?". No, Oprah. Get off the cross and do your show!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm gonna be so hot, I'm gonna fuck myself!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you have not seen the Celine Dion Vegas show, tomorrow, get a plane ticket, go to Vegas... it is the biggest freak show you will ever see! It's Cirque De Celine.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I guess the contortionists are cool right, very impressive, they're doing stuff we can't do. But for me, once you see the gay guy bend over and fuck himself, I'm done!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Everytime she walks out (on stage), she acts like she's shocked anyone showed up! Every night! As if every single day, at about 3 o'clock, she's like, "You know Rene, maybe tonight iz ze night zey do not come?”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Impersonating Celine) "Zis next song iz for all ze parents in zer audience, and also zer children"...(looks puzzled).... that's just everybody, right?”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I know you love her... you're gay and she's Celine Dion!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm not wearing any pants and the lesbians are waiting!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And then who comes along to save the day? A couple of tool-belt wearing, golf-loving, Dinah Shore weekend lesbians sent from heaven.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The 2007 Emmy Awards were a little too Cirque de Seacrest. I shouldn't say that about Ryan, she's a very good hostess.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“As someone who was raised Catholic, and went to St Bernadine's; don't pull your Catholic kid-fucker bullshit with me, motherfuckers! I'm not scared of you. And I'm not havin it!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was in the Oak Park theatre group. But we never had $90 000 to take an ad out! We were lucky if we had money for the glitter for the fucking poster!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Wake up people! If you are gay and living in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, what the fuck else are you gonna do? You're gonna join the musical theatre. That's all you got in Pigeon Forge - there's no "bear" bar! This is it. Suit up.....put the wings on!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't give a fuck who's gay or straight in the Senate. Who cares? But it's always the one that they have all this tape of, saying gay people shouldn't have civil rights, gay people aren't the same, I would never want a gay person......those are always the ones trying to get a headjob at the fucking airport bathroom at the Minneapolis airport!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(About gay cruising) My gays had to school me, and they said there's a whole system and a language to the tapping. One tap means you're a top, two means you're a bottom.....I don't know, it's very elaborate. Very elaborate.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I would rather blow a guy in the bathroom at White Castle in between sliders...because I'm romantic!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(On Paris Hilton) Believe it or not, I sort of know her a little bit. And based on that, I'm here to tell you that she is actually.......um.....retarded!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) "Hi", "Hi", "Oh my God....Hi!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(On William Shatner) He is like my favourite red-faced, bloated booze bag.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Now the great thing about the current Britney (Spears) tour, is that it has a lot of fantastic dancing... and she doesn't get bogged down in any....ahm...singing!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The first red flag? The crooked wig! That's how you know what level of awareness Whitney is at. Cause let me tell - you know her gay was straightening that wig to the bitter end. Making sure the part was in the right place. But you know what - when the (crack) pipe is shaking? It's hard to keep it on, when the pipe is all shaking.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(After Houston asks the audience in Central Park to sing along to a new, un-aired song) And the poor gays with the signs are like "We don't know that song yet....it's not even (on the radio)...go Diva....I mean, we don't know that song. I would like to...I don't...??”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be...ahm....voluptuous!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a "singer"......the way Courtney Love is a "singer".”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Because Oprah would be like "DID YOU DO COOOOCAAAAAAINE???”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Do you know why I'm thin? Because I'm hungry ALL the time!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We didn't know that the (Jackson) family was as nuts as we're now finding out. Who knew that Michael was the normal one??”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(About Joe Jackson) First of all, he's sitting there with the pimp hat, and the tattooed drag queen eyebrows. Like maybe this whole time, he just has a separate drag character that he does at night.........named La Toya!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I am not gonna engage in a debate that Michael Jackson could be the biological father of any of those kids. I'm not havin it, not tonight. There's no way. Those kids are Whitey, Whitey McGee and Whitey McWhiterson!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(About controversy) What you guys get, that celebrities don't get, is that I live for this shit!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(About Elisabeth Hasselbeck) Really Hasselbeck, you're gonna throw down with me? I mean, really? If you're gonna come to the play yard, be prepared to fucking play!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“She wouldn't shake my hand! I said "C'mon, be a gentleman".”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Straight guys, this is your section, wake up (clap clap).”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Elin Nordegren could not be happier. How many girls here would trade places with her in a second? Where do I sign? First of all, she doesn't have to bang him (Tiger Woods) anymore! And she's probably gonna get, like $500 million! So they keep getting these pictures of her with the two kids, and she's just laughing all the way to the bank...haaa haaa haaa haaa...heugen fleugen heugen fleugen...hjorda fjorda hjorda fjorda...”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Next thing I know, there a baby in my ter-litt!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Have you guys noticed that Madonna is British now? OK, let's talk about her lineage for a minute. Raised in Michigan, moved to New York, is British. She started turning British like at the Golden Globes and she was doing the interviews and she says "telly" instead of "television" and she uses the word "actually" way too much and then she's also sorta bringing her voice down to a register around here (brings her voice down) and she's being interviewed for the Golden Globes and she's got whole, you know, crazy hair that everybody hated and everybody has and they were saying, "Well, Madonna, we're so glad to have you at the Golden Globes." (speaks in Madonna British accent) "Well, actually, it is more fun to come here than watch it on the telly". You know. Look, I'm from the midwest- its a TV.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(Recalling her conversation with Anna Nicole Smith eating lunch) All of a sudden, she takes a bite of something and she goes like this (makes a disgusted face) "I don't lahk it." I go, "What's the matter, honey?" and she goes "I don't lahk it. I thought it was mashed pataters." PA-TAY-TERS! I heard it with my own ears. PATATERS. Britney probably wants to marry her now. So, anyway, I looked on her plate and said, "No, it's polenta" and, I swear to God, she looks at me and goes "Pimento?" I said, "No, that's an olive. "Polenta"- it's like mushed-up cornmeal." She goes, "I don't lahk it. I thought..." Mashed pateters, I got it.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(Recalling her speech at an AMFAR event that was intended to be a parody of Sharon Stone's earlier speech, reciting the lyrics to John Lennon's "Imagine".) Ladies and gentlemen, I am so honored to be here and Sharon spoke so eloquently before that it reminded me of something I once read a long time ago. You ain't nothin but a hound dog. Oh, gosh, that reminds me, many years ago I was walking down the street in Memphis and I said, "Whoa- that's Elvis"...and I fucked him. I fucked him hard. I did, I did. Sure, he called me 'Cilla the whole time, but I didn't mind. (sobbing) Cryin' all the time, well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I saw Larry King and he was interviewing Pam Anderson. And it was really fun because Pam Anderson...remember when Pam Anderson did her hepatitis tour? Remember when she got hepatitis and then she did a press tour about it, because she is very conscious of woman's issues, and she went on Larry King and she's talking about it. Oh, and by the way, she said she got it from Tommy Lee, which, of course, she did. And Tommy Lee said she got it from a door knob. And...I'm sure that's at least what she got from Tommy Lee. I saw Tommy Lee at an award show two weeks before, I got crabs just from looking at him. So, anyway, she's talking a minute and then she had had her boobs reduced, you know, she keeps getting reduced and bigger and stuff. And then, Larry has the balls to say to her (imitating Larry King), "Aren't you afraid of that plastic surgery?" and, in the meantime, his ears meeting at the back of his neck.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(talking about fixating on one slot machine in Vegas) And I am playing my machine, and playing it, and playing it, and then finally I walk away, and then who shows up? Oh, you know who I'm talkin' about. That's right. That's right. As I'm walking away from my machine I've been on all night long, I actually hear her--and this is Old Lucky Asian Woman--you know her! You know what I'm talkin' about! I actually hear her on "my" machine going [in an Asian accent] "How much I win?! Oh, how much I win?! Oh, what happen? I never play before! It first time I play! Oh, I was walking by, I hit one time, I hit ten thousand dollar!" Bitter and angry! You know what I'm talkin' about! I'm like "give me my money, bitch! Those are my nickels!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source