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Kathy Griffin
98 quotes
“Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Now, a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is- suck it, Jesus! This award is my god now!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 59th Emmy Awards acceptance speech, 8 September 2007
“4th booster f**kers. Oh, and CVS gave us EIGHT free Covid tests for getting boosted!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) first seen 2022 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Twitter, 12:54 PM · Mar 26, 2022
“You know what's great about my mom? She compulsively swears and doesn't know it. Like...I mean, she doesn't have Tourettes. I could never get that lucky. Can you imagine how it would be to have parents with Tourettes? I would be in heaven...but anyway. That is one funny fucking disease.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There's something about Shania Twain I just don't trust. I don't know, I can't put my finger...she's just too thin. I like my country singers to have the big hair and the big ass.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(describing Celine Dion's family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“She (Mariah Carey) could not fuck more black rappers. Oh, yeah. If your name is "Puff" or "Daddy," she'll fuck you.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“She (Monica Lewinsky) is the kinda girl who'll blow a guy and call you and tell you all about it.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't know about you, but I fucked a midget. I have secrets.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) first seen 1998 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Kathy Griffin: Hot Cup Of Talk (1998)
“Don't you love the new crazy Britney, she's our new Liza.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Huh, guess ah shouldn't huh did it. (imitating Britney's 55-hour husband Jason Allen Alexander) Come on, Mr. Britney. Grammar, grammar.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, "Cracky." Allegedly.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I actually share one thing with Whitney Houston, which is, I also have sweating issues.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Apparently, Courtney Love was at Whitney's "intervention". And when Courtney Love is telling you, you're hittin the pipe too hard, well, things are bad! They're really bad!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I saw Courtney Love have one of her heroin fits....and break a guitar. So I pulled up a chair. What? You gotta be ring-side!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When Sharon Stone asks you to do something, you just just do it. If Sharon Stone asked me to eat her poo, I'd be like "yeah, what's a good time for you?".(Pretending to eat poo) "This is really good poo Sharon, thanks".(To the audience) Stop picturing it...........and come back!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Uma Thurman is there.......with her big bag of BS!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Let's just say I'm gonna be so politically incorrect, you might even get sued for being in the audience.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I am going after everybody. I'm going after Paltrow. Fuck her. Fuck her!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Alright, Macy Gray.....what exactly is wrong with her? She, for sure has a little mental retardation. Allegedly!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And yet she has the fucked-up baby voice! And is there anything more charming than a grown woman with a baby voice? Mmmm, yummy! I'm hard thinking about it.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And she's like "Angie Harmon is here"!! So I was like, well let me...well fuck me then and I ran as fast as I could!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like "I'm out"?”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Donna (Karan), you have huge jugs, you could totally be a manager at Hooters!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Nothing gets me more nervous than white people who talk black.......I mean, it's fun on "Ricki Lake", but in real life......”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“She calls me up and says "Guess what - we're going to the Persian Gulf for Christmas". Immediately I put my hands over my clitoris. I don't want to insult the Muslim culture. It's such a wonderful culture for women - unless you have a clitoris and you're 13 cause they're hacking that shit off!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I love my clit. I use it every day. Not a day goes by when I don't use it for something.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When you perform for the Army, they want dick jokes and they want em now!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There were two cheerleaders, and their job was to basically go out in skimpy outfits and say hi to the guys........and some of the ladies, if you know what I'm saying.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So then, she looks at Brooke (Shields)'s Dad with his newer wife, and she's like "So, now you're with my ex-husband. Well, congratulations, you can have him"! It was fucking on!!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When I go to a wedding, I live for the wedding cake. It's all I care about. So Brooke at one point calls me and says "C'mon, we're gonna get started", so I go and sit in the very front row, as close to the wedding cake as possible, cause I literally want that second piece. So anyway, I sit down and I'm right in the front row with Brooke. And it turns out she meant come sit here cause Tuck and Patti are starting, like, their full concert!! And I thought, oh shit! And I'm looking at the wedding cake, salivating like a dog!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“She reaches under and grabs my peech and like, squeezes it and walks away. I run over to Brooke and go "Your mother just molested me. I could sue you and own this house"!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I said "boy, I'd love to get a tour of this house cause it's so beautiful". So she hooks my arm, and she walks by. And then the grooms mother, trying to help me out says "Can I help you ladies with anything?" And then Brooke's Mom; and this is why I love her, without missing a beat, says to the groom's mother - "Shut up, you fucking cunt"!! It was a fucking dream come true!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And then she (Brooke Sheilds) says the ill-fated words "You have to put this in your act". And I said "What, I would never"! Because it's a private time!!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say "now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter! I'd be like "I want the ride... the first one... the boring one... the ride. I don't want the "rrrride"... I want the ride!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The wrestler was up there with his wife, and I actually heard her say "Can this thing do a loopty loop?”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(On signing autographs for troops) I'd be writing To Private so and so, love Kathy Griffin and then I'd go "here, think about this when you beat off".”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So anyway, the show starts, and it's the Army band, and it's all those American "ra ra" songs, you know that whole "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free." And they eat that shit up!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“All of a sudden, I'm thinking, these guys [Afghani men] aren't so bad. I'm like the type of asshole where if you're nice to me once, I'm your friend for life. Sure, you hacked your kid's clit off, but you were nice!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If they wanna meet me, they have to shake my hand. And I'm going down the line saying "Yeah, thats right...look at me......I'm an American woman... you can shake my hand, motherfucker... that's right... that's how we roll... hi... (points to herself)... look... whore face.....”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I knew the minute I heard the "gay inhale". He literally goes "Diva, what are you doing here?". It was heaven! I found my gay, even in Kandahar, Afghanistan! He plonks down next to me, puts the tray down, puts his gun down... he's like "Errghh, girl, I'm on graveyard tonight... I am a wreck... I'm exhausted... my roommates are all snoring, yee-ukk, they're pigs! Anyway, what's going on with Ben and J-Lo?”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(Talking about Kabul, Afghanistan) It's great for the women. Still in the burkas and the women still can't leave their homes without a man, or else the cleric with the big stick beats them until they go back in. They go back in...they clean the bucket of clits......! Oh Kathy, that was just the limit. You have crossed the line...right after you moved it! So basically, it fucking sucks there and it's a complete shithole.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So then, I go to this other guy who's just a civilian guy and minding his own business and I go to him like this "Burka - NO"! "Burka - BAD"! Like he's one of my dogs!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I can't stand that asshole Ryan Seacrest and here's why. He can't sing. He can't dance. He has no talent. When is he gonna go away?”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This thing that's really weird about Seacrest is that he's super into grooming. He gets mani-pedi's. He gets his eyelashes dyed. He goes to Mystic Tan, he flat-irons his hair. Very butch. Very typical of straight men!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You'll have to excuse my friend, Ryan. That's the first time he's ever touched a woman.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(About Oprah Winfrey) She's very thin now, she's very cranky.....and very hungry!”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Oprah decides to go with her "friend", Gayle.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You've got the two titans. Streisand. Oprah. Both strong black women.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People with cancer like to wear jogging suits.”
Kathy Griffin (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source