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Karl Pilkington

154 quotes

“Yeah but everyone was a saint years ago, that seemed to be thrown about back then. Who's a saint now, in this year, who's a saint? And yet this guy, lived in a hut in the woods, 'oh yeah that's Saint John or whatever.' He wasn't a saint, he did nothin [Karl arguing with Steve and Ricky about Russian artifacts containing a portrait of a Russian Saint]”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“That impresses me more, inventin' electricity[Talking about Benjamin Franklin]”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It’s just hassle of having friends and family an’ that.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) first seen 2003 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Xfm 29 November 2003
“The world is getting more and more scruffier, innit?”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You won't get anything done by planning.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Any problem solved is a new problem made.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've met a few little people in my time. I met a little fella once and he was alright. He got drunk really quick, err, but he was alright. But it took me by surprise -like I've said about when I met Steve for the first time, it's only that same thing, then if we lived together I'm sure we'd get on a storm”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“On the possibility of meeting Warwick Davis- The first time I see him, I'd be a little like, what should I say, what shouldn't I say? Whereas once you get to know him I'm sure he'd be a lovely little fella.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(On fun-sized chocolates) I don't know why they're called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“On seeing an ultrasound picture- It was an awkward situation because she was happy with it. I was like 'Oh God'. It was an odd looking thing. I couldn't say 'Oh, it looks like you' because that would be a diss.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know that guy Richard Blackwood? He went in for a colonic, live TV. Never seen again.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“No ones been up that high!”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Turns out it was another load of monkeys from another part of the island...from the rough bit...”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) first seen 2003 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Xfm 21 June 2003
“So you're sayin that it's easy to send somat up to space, but you don't believe there's a little banana machine?”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Why is it alright to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“No it's one of them things though, imagine it.. if you're that caretaker and you're thinkin I've got away with this then suddenly a plant grasses you up.. you weren't expectin that.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And whilst the lizard’s having a kip, the scorpion says, ‘Tell ya what: I’ll do you a little deal…’”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) first seen 2002 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Xfm 04 May 2002
“Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) first seen 2002 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Xfm 02 November 2002
“(on cockroaches living without a head for a week) Why, when it was invented, has it got that facility?”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) first seen 2003 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Xfm 18 January 2003
“If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) first seen 2003 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Xfm 26 July 2003
“So I was watchin David Attenborough.. he makes his money out of flies and that dun' he”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“On seals - Its between a fish and a dog.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“At no point am I going to lick a little frogs head.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“On chameleons - Stay green. Stay in the woods. Stay safe.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“On octopuses - When you see 'em in films, they're running about an' that and everyone likes an octopus.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'd kick it, and I'd say 'You knob-head'. - Karl tells Ricky his response to being poisoned by an octopus.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Flies used to be happy-go-lucky, on their own; the sun’s out, have a fly about. Now, there’s little attacks going on.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A dog has got human eyes.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I saw a cockroach playing Pacman. It was on the internet, right, and somebody had linked up a cockroach to err... to some... I can't even be bothered explaining it, but that's what I'm saying - everything is moving on”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I will not be lickin a frog, so there's nothin' to worry about”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've been watchin birds more than insects recently, and the thing I've found with pigeons is: they've got wings but they walk a lot”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It would be impossible, I'd just chuck meself into the salt pot or something. I'd hate that, that would be horrible that [Karl answering Ricky's question of how he would get Suzanne's attention in the Kitchen if he were a slug]”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Fella comes walking toward me. Only got no pants on. So I said, ‘Suzanne, what's going on?’”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) first seen 2002 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Xfm 12 October 2002
“Do you know like, when you're a bloke nudist, Do you ever get any who just have like a small knob?”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Talking about being in heaven- It's not fair though because all them lot have been up there ages with like a chance to get a bit of sun on the body and that so they'll look alright. I'll be wandering about with underpant marks and stuff.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Now Hilda, she was your bog standard old woman.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Walking down the street in London with Suzanne, saw a little homeless.. well I didn't see the homeless bloke right, I saw a leg stickin out of a doorway, thought 'here we go', right. Walked past it, right, you're not gonna believe this. Homeless.... Chinese fella. I've never seen one of them.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Yeh I know but, I remember one on our estate, right. And she was a bit... what's the word that you can use cos I don't want to offend anyone? I'd say mental... but sort of mental homeless, is that a term?”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Just sort of wander about and that, and just not get seen [What he would do with the power of invisibility]”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Ricky asks what else he would do with the power of invisibility]Dunno, you could sort of go in shops when they're shut, just get in before they lock up.”
Karl Pilkington (born 1972) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source