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Jon Stewart
121 quotes
“May 3, 325: Rome built.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“30 AD: Death penalty debate heats up after controversial execution of alleged "Son of God".”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Through most of colonial history, inhabitants of the 13 colonies were loyal subjects of the British crown — resourceful, dedicated and as the Third Duchess of Kent... was fond of saying, "Some tea-drinkin' motherfuckahs." In fact, whenever the subject of the New World was mentioned, the Duchess could always be counted on for a wistful head-shake and a hearty "Motherfuckahs love that motherfuckin' tea.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But on what basis should the three branches of government be divided? It came down to two dueling ideas: Madison's proposal of an executive, judicial and legislative branch, and Georgia's Joseph Morton's proposal to dole out power according to, "The presence, forbearance, rectictude and largeosity of one's 'Plums and Carrot'." After much deliberation, it was decided Madison's proposal would be accepted, Morton only relenting after the Constitutional Convention agreed to proclaim him "impressive.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“By far the most revolutionary aspect of this new position [of the presidency] would be who could hold it. The short answer: just about anyone. By placing no explicit race, gender, or religious requirements on the presidency, the Founders opened the door to a true meritocracy. Why no women, blacks, or non-Christians have answered the founders' challenge is a mystery, though most indications point to some inherent genetic flaw. (William Howard Taft came closest, having what most observers agreed were boobs.)”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A free and independent press is essential to the health of a functioning democracy. It serves to inform the voting public on matters relevant to its well-being. Why they've stopped doing that is a mystery. I mean, 300 camera crews outside a courthouse to see what Kobe Bryant is wearing when the judge sets his hearing date, while false information used to send our country to war goes unchecked? What the fuck happened?”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Jon Stewart: And I made a special effort to come on the show today, because I have privately, amongst my friends and also in occasional newspapers and television shows, mentioned this show as being bad. Paul Begala: We have noticed. Stewart: And I wanted to—I felt that that wasn't fair, and I should come here and tell you that I don't—it's not so much that it's bad, as it's hurting America. Tucker Carlson: But in its defense— Stewart: But I wanted to come here today and say—here's just what I wanted to tell you guys. Carlson: Yes. Stewart: Stop. Stop, stop, stop. Stop hurting America.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Stewart: You have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably. Carlson: You need to get a job at a journalism school, I think. Stewart: You need to go to one. [...] Carlson: Wait. I thought you were going to be funny. Come on. Be funny. Stewart: No. No. I'm not going to be your monkey.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Stewart: [To Tucker Carlson] How old are you? Carlson: Thirty-five. Stewart: And you wear a bow tie. ... So this is theater. ... Now, listen, I'm not suggesting that you're not a smart guy, because those are not easy to tie. ... But the thing is that this—you're doing theater, when you should be doing debate, which would be great. ... It's not honest. What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Carlson: You had John Kerry on your show, and you sniff his throne, and you're accusing us of partisan hackery? Stewart: Absolutely. Carlson: You've got to be kidding me. He comes on, and you— Stewart: You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We look at—the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it's been helpful.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: In response to Paul Begala's question of which 2004 presidential candidate would provide the best comedic material if elected.
“You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, "I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Your Show Blows, October 18, 2004
“What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "'sup?”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It upset me that, five days after the hurricane hit down in New Orleans, the President's plan was for a day of prayer. I would have thought a truck of food. A day of prayer. Now, maybe I'm mistaken here and, again, I'm not a scientific expert, but isn't a hurricane officially an act of God? Isn't a day of prayer kind of redundant? Hasn't God already made up his mind on that sort of thing? So we do a day of prayer. The President has his stupid day of prayer. Three days later, Hurricane Rita hits. Somebody must have said something... something like, "is that all you got?”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Here's how bizarre the war is that we're in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn't want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You can always tell when Bush is in trouble. He always brings out 9/11. 9/11 is the cudgel that he waves. As far as he's concerned, it's "Open Sesame". 9/11 is his way of saying, "Okay, I'm fucking up now, but remember four years ago? That was cool." I think he thinks he can use it for anything. "9/11. On 9/11 we were attacked. And so, I should get to bang your wife." What? "Now, there are some nay-sayers out there who think I shouldn't bang your wife, well, that's the cut-and-run crowd.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What is the fear of the "gay agenda" that has so upset people? Do people think that if gay people are given a place at the table, they'll be so convincing we'll all end up blowing them? What is the issue? "You know, I'm straight, but you've made such a convincing argument...”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I do have some sad news to report. Björk couldn't be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Good evening everybody, ladies, gentlemen... Felicity.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I really thought that the make-up artist for Cinderella Man should have won. I mean, it's so hard to make Russell Crowe look like he got in a fight.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If there's anyone out there involved in illegal movie piracy... don't do it. Take a good look at these people. These are the people you're stealing from. Look at them! Face what you've done! There are women here who can barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in film, with me, the fourth male lead from Death to Smoochy. Rent it.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“For those of you who are keeping score at home, I just want to make something very clear: Martin Scorsese, zero Oscars. Three 6 Mafia, one.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[with Stephen Colbert, after presenting the award for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series to Ricky Gervais and being informed that Gervais was not there] Ricky Gervais couldn't be here tonight, so instead we're going to give this to our friend Steve Carell.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal—in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If someone was to introduce hope and idealism into our political system, I think the tension that would create in other areas would certainly be ripe. You would think that if you bring oxygen to the organism, the organism lives. But there may be other organisms in there that thrive in darkness and in a more anaerobic environment. Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They're not living their lives via platforms. They're living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People would like to place a standard on our show that doesn't exist. We're not set up for reporting; we don't have an apparatus for that. We're discussing things that hopefully people might get something out of, but it's wildly inconsistent. Just because we hit on points that resonate, or people think are real complaints—that doesn't make us journalists.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Stewart: The real issue is that TV news can either bring clarity or noise. And it tends to not seem to know the difference between them. … We do a show that doesn't try to bring noise. I think that we have a more consistent point of view than most news shows, I'll say that. Bulger: What's that point of view? Stewart: That theater doesn't make for authentic public discourse.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Fox News has] taken reasonable concerns about this president and this economy and turned it into a full-fledged panic about the next coming of Chairman Mao.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The country’s 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder. The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic. If we amplify everything we hear nothing.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There are terrorists and racists and Stalinists and theocrats, but those are titles that must be earned. You must have the resume. Not being able to distinguish between real racists and tea partiers, or real bigots and Juan Williams and Rick Sanchez is an insult — not only to those people, but to the racists themselves, who have put forth the exhausting effort it takes to hate. Just as the inability to distinguish between terrorists and Muslims makes us less safe, not more.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is — on the brink of catastrophe — torn by polarizing hate and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Most Americans don't live their lives solely as Democrats or Republicans or conservatives or liberals. Most Americans live their lives that are just a little bit late for something they have to do. Often it’s something they do not want to do, but they do it. Impossible things get done every day that are only made possible by the little, reasonable compromises.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you want to know why I’m here and what I want from you I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me. Your presence was what I wanted. Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder. To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine. Thank you.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The breathing problems started almost immediately. And they were told they weren't sick, they were crazy. And then, as the illnesses got worse and things became more apparent: "Well, okay, you're sick, but it's not from the pile." And then, when the science became irrefutable: "Okay, it's the pile, but this is a New York issue. I don't know if we have the money.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Why this bill isn't unanimous consent and a standalone issue is beyond my comprehension. And I have yet to hear a reasonable explanation for why. It will get stuck in some transportation bill or some appropriations bill and get sent over to the Senate, where a certain someone from the Senate will use it as a political football to get themselves maybe another new import tax on petroleum. Because that's what happened to us in 2015. And we won't allow it to happen again.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They responded in five seconds. They did their jobs, with courage, grace... tenacity, humility... Eighteen years later? Do yours!”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm used to the cowardice; I've been here a long time. Senate's where accountability goes to die. These people don't care! They're never losing their jobs, they're never losing their healthcare [...] I'm used to all of it, but I am not used to the cruelty.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If this is "America First", then America is fucked.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When corporations fail, you pay for it. But when they succeed, it's theirs. They socialize their losses and privatize their gains.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Government picks winners and losers all the time.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Yes, we've lost the war on guns. Personally, I knew it was over after Sandy Hook. We had a chance to pick guns or Kindergarteners and we went with guns.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Fossil Fuels power our comfort and convenience. And the fact that they may also be the architect of our impending doom probably won't get us to change our ways. Truth is, we're not a "sacrifice for the greater good" kind of species. [...] We're not a "prevention" folk. We're an "angrily lash out at our lack of preparation in the middle of a preventable emergency" folk, while eating tacos stuffed inside of chalupas.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source