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Jon Stewart
121 quotes
“Little and hairy. But if [The New York Post] want to go with smart and stylish then hey, more power to them. Good luck.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 1993 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Steppin' Out interview, December 23, 1993, when asked how he would describe himself.
“I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 1995 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Rolling Stone interview, January 26, 1995
“I signed up for what? I thought I was just ordering cable.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 1998 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Chicago Tribune, August 12, 1998; on signing on as host of The Daily Show.
“The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 1999 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Charleston Gazette interview, January 9, 1999
“You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 1999 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Cosmopolitan, January 1999, on embarrassing dates.
“You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 1999 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Orange County Register, July 9, 1999
“That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters—they look better covered in oil.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2001 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Nightline, 2001. On governments plans to drill in Alaska.
“I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2001 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Grammy Awards, February 21, 2001
“If you look on their lawn, there are... it looks like a tent city of reporters. I don't know what insight they think they're going to glean from these people's grief, but if there's ever a situation where someone who's just lost their daughter has anything to say other than "this sucks," I'd be happy to see a news crew on their lawn, but until then, why are these people there?”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2002 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On exploitative media coverage of the Danielle Van Dam case, Paley Center for Media interview, 2002
“This show is our own personal beliefs.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Howard Kurtz: CNN has is broadcasting your show internationally. Jon Stewart: I am not. Kurtz: Does that make you legitimate? Stewart: No, I am illegitimate. I am the bastard son of anything. We're not— we're fake.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Kurtz: So you don't, you're not confusing yourself with a quote, "real journalist"? Stewart: No. You guys are— Kurtz: You're just making fun— Stewart: You guys are confusing yourselves with real journalists.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it's not politics — and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy — but I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, "that's what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?" But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say "bad monkey.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Charlie Rose interview, September 29, 2004
“It's a brilliant metaphor. What I meant to say was, when you see a monkey masturbating at the zoo...”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: C-SPAN interview, October 14, 2004, when asked about the above quote.
“[Robert Novak] apparently, they say, broke his hip. I think it's not the case. I believe his hip tried to escape.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: C-SPAN interview, October 14, 2004
“How did Memogate get a "gate"? How did Nipplegate get a "gate"? We invaded a country with the wrong information, and Janet Jackson's tit got a "gate". Who gives out the "gates"? Is there a "Gate"-gate? Is there a, a... I mean, it's absolute... We're living in insanity!”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: C-SPAN interview, October 14, 2004
“Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan "You Can Depend on CNN". Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: C-SPAN interview, October 14, 2004
“Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Amazon.com interview, 2004
“The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That's all it is. All those media companies say, "We're going to make a killing here." You won't because it's still only as good as the content.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2005 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Wired interview, September 13, 2005
“The American people. For their just utter patience.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On Larry King Live, in response to the question "Who in this administration fascinates you the most?" February 26, 2006
“Did you really just ask me if I want it to be bad? I have kids! What do you think? "Yeah, I don't want them to have any kind of a -- I want things to corrode to the point where we're all living in huts." [...] [I] "like things to go a little wrong" like birdshot to the face of a guy that would survive, not "like things to go wrong" till it's like Mad Max, every-man-for-himself-let's-all-ride-around-and-machine-guns, which seems to be the way that it's [going].”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Are you insane?!”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Originally spoken, reprinted in Mr. Obama Goes to Washington By David Sirota in The Nation, June 7, 2006.
“Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Rolling Stone interview, October 31, 2006
“We are not warriors in anyone's army. And that is not trying to be self-deprecating. I'm proud of what we do. I really like these two shows. I like making 'em. I like watching them. I'm really proud of them. But I understand their place. I don't view us as people who lead social movements.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Rolling Stone interview, October 31, 2006, on the role of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.
“I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Philadelphia Inquirer interview, April 22, 2007
“The best part is that I'm able to come in, and whenever I want, choose an intern... oh, wait — Is this being recorded? No, the coolest part is the ability to have a silly thought about whatever is going on in your world at 10 o'clock in the morning, and be able to see it go out on the airwaves at 11 o'clock that night. That's an amazing privilege.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Philadelphia Inquirer interview, April 22, 2007
“The reason I don't worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I'll take those odds every fucking day.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Stone interview, November 2007
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2009 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Late Night with Conan O'Brien," January 29, 2009
“That's the embarrassment. The embarrassment is that I'm given credibility in this world, because of the disappointment that the public has in what the news media does. Not because I have an ideological agenda.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2011 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Jon Stewart to Chris Wallace, Fox News Interview June 19, 2011
“The people who talk about anti-woke are the biggest fucking pussies you would ever find… I’m just so tired of it. The woke shit, you lose nothing. I’m a comedian — I’ve lost two words in 35 years. Honestly, are you that fucking unimaginative that you can’t figure it out?”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Orthodox Jews, or, as they are known in the Talmud, the Really Chosen Ones, are committed to the idea that the entire Torah was dictated by God verbatim to Moses at Mount Sinai ... Other forms of Judaism dispute this claim, although it does explain certain passages in the first Torah, such as, "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" and "What do you like better, Moses, Lord Almighty or Big Hoohah?”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hitler: (biting into a bagel) First of all, Larry, I don't know what I was so afraid of. These are delicious!!!”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hitler: Look, I was a bad guy. No question. I hate that Hitler. The yelling, the finger-pointing, I don't know... I was a very angry guy. King: And this... new Hitler? Hitler: I get up at seven, have half a melon, do the Jumble in the morning paper and then let the day take me where it will. Some days I'll fish, maybe hit the mall for an Orange Julius. The other day I spent seven hours in the park watching ants cart off part of a sandwich. Me!! The inventor of the Blitzkrieg... When you stop having to control everything, it's very freeing.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hitler: Denial is a powerful thing... I always thought I could stop any time I wanted. "If I could just get Czechoslovakia, that'll be the end of it. I'll be happy then." And then I'd get it and think, well geez, Poland's just up the road a piece and... you know the rest.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hitler: I'm not going to lie to you, it took a while. There were moments all along where I knew something was wrong. I remember one time... I think it was in Munich. We were having a rally. 100,000 people all chanting my name. The bonfires were going. The whole shebang. It should have been a crowning moment, but I clearly remember thinking, What am I doing here? I hate crowds.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[mobster impression] Hey! Nice nominee you got there. [sniff, tightens tie] Be a shame if something happened to him, Mr. President. Know what I mean?”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2013 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Daily Show, February 21, 2013
“If comedy is tragedy plus time, I need more fucking time. But I would really settle for less fucking tragedy.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2014 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Eric Garner Grand Jury Decision, December 4, 2014
“Maybe a more nuanced alert system could allow for more productive intervention beyond “You have ten seconds to disperse”. Or we can agree to keep ignoring the roots of how systemically, historically disenfranchised many African American communities still are, only paying attention to them when we fear their periodic, fiery ball of anger threatens to enter our airspace, and once again breathing a blissful sigh of forgetful relief when it’s another near miss.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2015 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Baltimore on Fire, April 29, 2015
“I heard someone on the news say, well, "tragedy has visited this church”. This wasn’t a tornado. This was a racist. This was a guy with a Rhodesia badge on his sweater. You know, I hate to even use this pun, but this one is black and white. There’s no nuance here. And we’re gonna keep pretending like “I don’t get it, what happened, there’s one guy who lost his mind”, but we are steeped in that culture in this country and we refuse to recognize it.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2015 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Charleston Church Shooting, June 19, 2015
“The Confederate flag flies over South Carolina, and the roads are named for Confederate generals, and the white guy is the one who feels like his country is being taken away from him. We’re bringing it on ourselves. And that’s the thing, Al-Qaeda, all those guys, ISIS, they’re not shit compared to the damage that we can apparently do to ourselves on a regular basis.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) first seen 2015 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Charleston Church Shooting, June 19, 2015
“My life [is] a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We declared war on terror—it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And the other thing… that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Dedication: To the huddled masses, keep yearnin'!”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“1300 BC: God gives Ten Commandments to Israelites, making them His Chosen People and granting them eternal protection under Divine Law. Nothing bad ever happens to Jews again.”
Jon Stewart (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source