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John Oliver
101 quotes
“[The] U.S., where our constitution guarantees virtually unlimited freedom of speech, except, of course, when the Supreme Court decides it’s cool for a public university to ban drag shows. Yeah, that happened two months ago. It’s kind of surprising no one flew a pride flag upside down on their lawn in protest.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Lots of people are 68, working, and paying taxes, and I’d venture to say most of them are not Nazi enthusiasts, other than, it seems, you and Mel Gibson.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Between] the attempted assassination of a central European leader, and the rise of a far-right party in Germany, Europe really seems to be playing the 20th century hits right now, even if some of their former history teachers refuse to see the similarity.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[There’s] no better tribute to [the Beatles'] legacy than having terrified children wander around Ringo’s nostrils wondering if they’ll ever see their families again.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Thinking of the negatives is pretty much all I do, along with speaking the negatives out loud and making jokes about the negatives all while modeling the latest suits from "Sir Michael Gambon’s Haberdashery for Oddly Long Gentlemen".”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Unless] we force the government and the handful of large companies that control this industry to change their priorities, we’re going to be stuck where we are, like a bunch of fifth graders in the world’s largest corn maze begging for our fucking lives.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The election is in full swing right now, and it's pretty much your usual campaign -- candidates offering policy proposals, trading barbs... and occasionally getting convicted of 34 felonies and complaining about the judge.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“That is really the Trump experience in a nutshell right there: hateful ideology, a promise to make life harder for minorities, all wrapped up in a non-sequitur so stupid it is inconveniently funny. The radical left invented trans people a few years ago? I’m sorry, what? Did they put it on Shark Tank and I somehow missed it?”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Trump as president was sort of like a hamster in an attack helicopter. Sure, he wants to bathe the world in blood and terror—he wants it with his whole rotten hamster heart—but luckily he doesn’t know what buttons to press and his brain’s the size of a peanut, so that puts some hard limits on the damage he’s actually able to do.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Okay, that is essentially all the background you need to know about federal personnel management. If you’re bored, it’s over, and if you’re hard, welcome home.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Okay, a few things. First, you don’t need a new dating app to find conservatives online. Just go onto any existing app and filter for people who describe their views as "moderate". Any single woman in a big city can tell you "moderate" just means "I’m a right-wing nut job, but I’d like to get laid, please".”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When you fire everyone who knows what they’re doing and only hire people who will say yes to the rich guy in charge, that’s not a recipe for good government. It’s a recipe for the Titan Submersible. I don’t want scientific research about nuclear power being done by people without experience. I don’t want my latte being made by someone without experience. Oh, it’s your first day? I’m sorry, step aside, please. Give me the barista with a sleeve of techno-tan stick-and-poke tattoos and a septum piercing who’s worked here for five years and who hates everybody here. Experience matters.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Listen, as a 47-year-old who looks like a 67-year-old, I clearly don’t understand TikTok, but I do know perfect film-making when I see it, and that right there is perfect film-making.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I know I talk a lot on this show about the bad stuff Ronald Reagan did. So to balance that out, I do want to mention something positive he did for the planet. In 2004 – and this is true – he died.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Conservatives love to rail against “cancel culture” while trying to ban any speech they don’t like. So when it’s someone else’s symbol, it’s an affront that needs to be burned or banned, but when it’s theirs, it can be mandated by law, and anyone who doesn’t like it can just turn their head and not look.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Like many things, the way Britain operates is "kind of like the U.S., but whimsically worse.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Do] you have any idea just how unlikable you have to be to get milkshaked? No one just casually has a milkshake on their person, or thinks "I better grab one in case I encounter any assholes today." No, they think "You know what I haven’t had in a while but deserve? A milkshake. A treat." Yet despite that, Nigel Farage is clearly so much of an asshole that this hero was willing to get rid of her possible birthday milkshake having decided "this is a better use of it.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Do you know how much of an out-of-touch wang you have to be for people to think your whole vibe can be summed up by the word "rich"? Elon Musk’s the richest man on Earth, and it’s not even the first word that comes to mind when I think of him. That’d be "apartheid". It’s also not the first word that comes to mind when I think of Bill Gates. That would be "how-many-times-was-he-on-Epstein's-plane" which counts as one word if you say it really fast.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The thing about denying the press is there is, the press tends to catch you doing that, because the press is fucking there!”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But that is the natural endpoint of austerity right there: punishing people for circumstances completely beyond their control. And Sunak is now promising to introduce what he calls the next generation of welfare reforms, including yet more cuts, justifying it by saying, “I worry very much about benefits becoming a lifestyle choice.” Which is a rich fucking statement from a rich fucking man who’d probably go into anaphylactic shock if he ever had to fly coach.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The UK managed to kick the Tories out after fourteen years, France narrowly managed to keep the far-right out of power, and Kendrick Lamar released a music video for the spectacularly hostile "Not Like Us" on the Fourth of July, and that is the end of the good things that happened.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[You] expect to see certain things at the RNC -- elephant logos, cowboy hats, a massive spike in Grindr usage -- but "a message of unity" is not something traditionally associated with that event or indeed, this man!”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you’d asked me, “What’s next to this guy, just out of the frame?” and gave me a thousand guesses, there is no way I’m saying, “a lumpy bulldog lounging in an armchair like it’s being interviewed at the 92nd Street Y.” And don’t drag a bulldog to the RNC. Life’s hard enough for them. To have the soul of a wolf trapped inside the body of a wrinkly bowling ball? To be inbred over centuries into the perfect genetic car crash? That dog doesn’t deserve to be made into a prop at the RNC, it deserves a rawhide bone and an apology from humanity!”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I do not like that man, Ted Cruz. I do not like his toxic views. I do not like his nasty speeches, I do not like the shit he preaches. I do not like him when he fishes, I do not like him when he kisses. Pulling off that beard, he ain't. That man, Ted Cruz... looks like a taint.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The thing is, if you want to prevent crime and death, that’s a great idea, and there are absolutely ways to do that. But when you draw a circle around a few members of a particular group—especially one identifiable by race or nationality—then generalize about what this means about all of them, no matter what you say, you’re not having a reasoned debate about crime or safety. You’re being racist.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So, what can we do? Well, I don’t know if you noticed, but we’re currently four months out from an election, so just assume that the underlying “what can we do” for most of our U.S. stories from now until then is going to be “do not vote for Donald Trump again.” That seems like that should be barely worth saying, like “drink water” or “go to the dentist,” but it does bear repeating because… Be honest: when was the last time you drank water? Or, indeed, went to the dentist? Exactly.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Okay. I don’t usually do this, but I want you to pause this right now, and write down what you think you just saw. I don’t want to do this for you, just write down what you feel you just witnessed there, then come back and I’ll tell you what I think, okay?”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And you might be thinking: "Why are you telling me about any of this right now?" Well, first: I dunno. The world’s a pretty shitty place right now. Do you not want to be told about Mr. Panda? Would you rather talk about how someone managed to get a semiautomatic rifle past the Secret Service? Or are we allowed to have some fucking fun for a second?! Please! Let me! Have this!”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's not like the Geneva Convention says "The Occupying Power shall not deport or transfer parts of its own civilian population into the territory it occupies... unless there's, like, really convenient shopping and a super manageable commute to Jerusalem".”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The whole settlement project has been massively encouraged by the Israeli government to such a degree that it is hard to argue that living in one is an apolitical choice. Building on stolen land is an inherently political act. It is also, by the way, copyright infringement.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Does apartheid actually have a smell? Because I'll be honest, until now, I was pretty sure it had only produced the one kind of Musk.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Wow. "I decide what the law is, and your actions are illegal." That is a bold fucking attitude. It's the sort of thing an American cop would only be comfortable tattooing above their sleeve line.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Human dignity has to be a prerequisite for negotiating anything. And Palestinians in the West Bank have their dignity challenged hundreds of times a day! From having beer bottles thrown at their heads, to being detained for kicking balls near fences, to having their homes stolen, bulldozed, and far, far worse. And to be clear, dignity is the absolute beginning of this. What's required is justice. And the call for that is getting louder.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Look, a phrase that gets brought up a lot with regard to Israel is "never again" -- an anti-genocide slogan often invoked in memory of the Holocaust, and it's always been open to two interpretations: there's the one that means "This must never again happen to the Jewish people", and the one that means "This must never again happen to any people anywhere." And in the West Bank, as in Gaza right now, it's pretty clear which one the Israeli government has favored.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I guess, at the very least, I just want my government to have the moral backbone that's been shown by Ben and fucking Jerry's. Please, just try not to get morally outflanked by the makers of Impretzively Fudged! That cannot be too much to ask!”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“He's promised to be "the greatest environmental President in American history" and has talked about a bunch of things that we have covered, like so-called "forever chemicals" and PFAS and the proliferation of microplastics. You know, all the fun stuff that you expect from our "comedy" show. Which, at this point, should probably be called You Have Already Been Poisoned with the Duolingo Owl's Biological Uncle.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Okay, so before we go any further, let me just say this: I also don't want to be doing this. I don't want to be debunking his arguments at length! […] But he's made so many confident assertions there, and if you leave even one unchallenged, people will think "Well, maybe there's something to it.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It is the ultimate conspiracist code -- "Nothing is a coincidence except when I do it".”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you like that [RFK Jr.] is against polluters and Big Pharma, I get it! We criticize them all the time! But when we do that, we make sure we've got our facts right and don't just pull them out of the ass of our best workout jeans.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Picking apart policy proposals when the alternative is Trump is a bit like debating which color to paint the living room when your house is on fucking fire! You kind of have to prioritize the imminent threat!”
John Oliver (born 1977) first seen 2024 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Last Week Tonight -- "Election 2024
“I know it is hard to imagine things getting worse on this but to be fair, Trump has always been one to roll up his sleeves, throw on a very unflattering vest, and dig us into a new layer of hell.”
John Oliver (born 1977) first seen 2024 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Last Week Tonight -- "Election 2024
“If what you want is a centrist candidate that's quiet on trans issues, tough on the border, distances itself from Palestinians, talks a lot about law and order, and reaches out to moderate Republicans, that candidate existed, and she just lost!”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The deeper you look into these stories, the more flawed you realize things are, systemically. But the more you encounter people work incredibly hard to change things. Like clockwork, at some point during a story, I go into Tim [Carvell]'s office, who I... run the show with, and we'll say "Burn it down. Just burn everything to the ground." 'Cause it feels like things are so bad in a story, only flames are going to purify the hell that we've built for ourselves. But you do then work through that, much like this shitty hot sauce, to realizing that, in lieu of-— even as you're waiting for major change that you think might not come, incremental change is possible, and valuable.”
John Oliver (born 1977) first seen 2024 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: John Oliver Fears For Humanity While Eating Spicy Wings | Hot Ones" (ff. 0:21:07) (1 February 2024)
“I started looking into these groups in America, campaigns groups who want to put stickers on the front of all school science text books saying that Evolution is only one possible theory of life on earth. Now, although this seems like a stupid idea at first, second, and thirty ninth glance, look at it once more. Give it that fortieth view. Because it's brilliant. Let's have stickers on the front of all books! Slap one on the front of the Bible saying "Of course this could all be bullsh*t. Maybe he never died! Perhaps he opened a donkey sanctuary. He had a clear bond with donkeys." Or slap one on the Theory of Gravity! "Look, that's just one man's opinion. Maybe we could all fly! R. Kelly believed it so. Why would he lie to us? What does he possibly stand to gain?”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But if you think it's going to get any better, let me burst that bubble of optimism now because I was fortunate enough last year to be invited to the First Republican Presidential Candidate Debate in Simi Valley in California, which, interestingly, was exactly as much fun as it sounds. But it was, obviously a privilege to be there and I did get to witness one incredible moment of political theater when all, at that point, ten of the potential leaders of the free world were asked the same question. And that question was "Who here doesn't believe in evolution?" And three of those men raised their hands. And then none of those three men put their hands down and said "Only joking." And their confidence was seductive!”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The world's become so horrifying now. It's too easy to become cynical about things and that's not fair and it doesn't work. And in fact, there is hope for the world. And it is in the form of Wikipedia. Now, Wikipedia will save us all. I found this out when recently a friend of mine emailed me and he said that someone had created a Wikipedia entry about me. I didn't realize this was true, so I looked it up. And like most Wikipedia entries, it came with some flamboyant surprises, not least amongst them my name. Because in it it said my name was John Cornelius Oliver. Now my middle name is not Cornelius because I did not die in 1752. But obviously, I want it to be. Cornelius is an incredible name. And that's when it hit me — the way the world is now, fiction has become more attractive than fact. That is why Wikipedia is such a vital resource. It's a way of us completely rewriting our history to give our children and our children's children a much better history to grow up with. We seem to have no intention of providing them with a future. Let's at least give them a past. It is in a very real sense the least we can do.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Manchin's argument speaks to what can be so dispiriting about our current politics, because while there is nothing fundamentally wrong with civility and compromise, it does depend on who you're being civil to and what you're compromising with. 'Cause remember, this is the moment when one of the loudest voices in the senate campaign against Mangi is also happily encouraging people to "take things into their own hands" when it comes to those they don't agree with. And it's pretty scary to think that, in the name of building bridges, some appear to be perfectly fine finding a middle ground with those willing to throw protestors off them.”
John Oliver (born 1977) first seen 2024 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Last Week Tonight (21 April 2024)
“Project 2025 is born from an impulse as old as America. It’s an impulse that says "one class of Americans is entitled to lead, and the rest of us are lucky to be allowed to serve". That thinks there should be a limited government when it comes to rules they have to live by, but also a unitary executive to keep the rest of us in line. These are old, old ideas that have been shouted from podiums by the likes of George Wallace and Pat Buchanan but have now been placed into a new handbook for an only-too-willing president to use on day one. And in a perfect world, I would love if we had an opposing party better able to articulate a strong defense of our country’s ideals and that also consistently lived up to them. People are entitled to hope for more from the next four years than someone just not being Trump and for at least two Supreme Court justices to die. I’m not saying which ones I would prefer, but I think we all have our top two. And for anyone tempted to think, "Well, we survived Trump’s first term," first, not everyone did. And it should hopefully be very clear by now: a second Trump term really does promise to be far, far worse. Because if Trump’s first term was defined by chaos, his second could be defined by ruthless efficiency, and that should be troubling to absolutely everyone, because Project 2025 is a movement whose members joke about wanting a white homeland and insist women have to have more babies to uphold Western society. And its work could be about to be funneled through a man who happily calls his fellow Americans “vermin.” It is not subtle, it’s hard to miss, and once you see it, you cannot unsee it.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If a wild badger broke into your home and fucked everything up for 14 straight years, tearing everything apart, you can argue about redecorating choices later, right now, that badger’s got to fucking go. And I will say, if the U.K. can successfully rid itself of the Tories next month, that’s not cause for a shrug, that’s cause for a celebration. And I know that celebration’s not something that comes naturally to Britons. The country’s most famous motivational slogan is “Keep Calm and Carry On” and even that morale booster basically amounted to, “I know you’re about to die, but there’s no need to make a scene.” That was supposed to get us through World War II! But if Britain can extricate itself from the party whose unremitting cruelty has stained the last decade and a half of British life, that does deserve to be marked.”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There are so many things we, as Americans, do have to resign ourselves to: airline cancellations, a national anthem with too many high notes, Glen Powell inevitably starring in a Field of Dreams remake. We can’t fight those things. But we can, and must fight this. And at the end of this week, it should be clear to absolutely everyone: it doesn’t matter if Trump and his party say they have a "new tone" or nominally call for "unity," or throw a cute dog onstage for some reason. They have told us who they are, they’ve told us what they want, they literally put it on a sign and waved it in everyone’s face. They’re trying to win this election by pointing a finger at immigrants, and the only appropriate response is to take a cue from the so-called "symbol of the Biden presidency" and say "fuck that shit!”
John Oliver (born 1977) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source