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John Mulaney
54 quotes
“Building a gazebo in the middle of the civil war, that'd be like doing stand-up comedy now.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Now, I don't know if you've been following the news, but I've been keeping my ears open, and it seems like everyone everywhere is super-mad about everything all the time.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And now there's nazis again. When I was a kid, nazis was just an anology you would use to decimate your child during an argument at the dinner table. Now there's new nazis. I don't care for these new nazis, and you may quote me on that. These new nazis, "Jews are the worst, and Jews ruin everything, and Jews try to take over your life." It's like, you know what, motherfucker? My wife is Jewish. I know all that, how do you know all that?”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm allowed to make fun of my wife. I asked her and she said yes. [...] I said, "Do you mind if I still make fun of you on stage?" And my wife said, "Yeah, you can make fun of me. But just don't say that I'm a bitch and that you don't like me." I was like, "Whoa, the bar is so much lower than I ever imagined. That's it?" [...] Also, I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don't like her. That is not true. My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source