Famous quotes
Quotes by famous people, credited to who said them. Your own quotes must not match any of these. More are added all the time. 1,158,269 quotes Who coined it · How we decide
EnglishItalianoPolskiעבריתFrançaisPortuguêsفارسیEspañol中文РусскийDeutschالعربيةहिन्दी日本語ΕλληνικάLatina
John Mulaney
54 quotes
“When I walk down the street, I need everyone to like me so much. It's exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me was like walking around with someone who's running for mayor of nothing.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) first seen 2018 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue - SNL, 15 April 2018
“If you’re an adult male who sees no flaws in his father, you’re an insane person.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) first seen 2018 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: John Mulaney & Nick Kroll Answer the Web's Most Searched Questions | WIRED, 15 October 2018
“I was a cool person at one time. I used to do cocaine.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's been proven that people will take information from a female voice, but they will only take a warning from a male voice. Now that's its own American gender nightmare that we don't have time to get into.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) first seen 2019 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue - SNL, 03 March 2019
“If there's a hell, I think it's an encyclopedia, and you can just look up what everyone in your life thought about you. And if there is a heaven, it's a wikipedia, and you can just change that.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“From an early age, I tried to be funny for the adults. [...] I think I thought and feel still that I have to provide that in order for people to like me.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was working with these kids ages 8-13, and I thought, oh, I remember being that age, and that is the state I would like to be in. Because they were very kind, they were very thoughtful, and they also knew that they had no control over their lives at all.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) first seen 2020 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: John Mulaney And Stephen Colbert Explore Each Other's Deepest Anxieties, 23 January 2020
“Your dad has no friends. If you think your dad has friends, you're wrong. Your mom has friends, and they have husbands. Those are not your dad's friends.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It is a leap year, as I said. Leap year began in the year 45 B.C. under Julius Ceasar. This is true. He started the leap year in order to correct the calendar and we still do it to this day. Another thing that happened under Julius Ceasar was, uh, he was such a powerful maniac that all the senators grabbed knives and they stabbed him to death. That would be an interesting thing if we brought that back.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I dislike the Founding Fathers immensely.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) first seen 2020 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: John Mulaney Monologue - SNL, 01 March 2020
“Apparently I have no boundaries. And I need 'em.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) first seen 2020 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: John Mulaney Has Been Seeing His Therapist Over Zoom, 28 April 2020
“I've never understood being goth, you know. I could never do that, I could never dress goth. And don't get me wrong, I'm unhappy, it's not that.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Travelling can get kinda lonely sometimes, or, not travelling, what is the word? Uh, life, life can get kinda lonely. Sometimes I'll be talking to someone and I'll be like, "yeah, I've been really lonely lately", and he'll be like, "well, we should hang out", and I'm like, no, that's not what I meant. Not what I meant at all.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm not saying it's a bad movie. It is, but that's not my point.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've been trying to follow the news more this year, I've been trying to be much more involved in the news. You know, I read that this week over two days, the Dow Jones dropped 929 points, and I can't tell you how frustraing it is to not know what that means. It's getting embarassing.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“To me, at this point, like, Donald Trump is not just a rich man, like, Donald Trump is almost like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. No, it's like years ago, Trump was walking through an alley, and he heard some guy just like, "oh boy oh boy, as soon as my number comes in, I'm gonna put up tall buildings with my name on 'em. I'll have fine golden hair, and a TV show where I fire people with my children." And Trump was like, "that is how I will live my life".”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know, for years scientists have wondered, can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual", and the answer is: Yes. You can. As long as it is preceded by seven "What's New Pussycat"s.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true. I woke up one morning when I was a kid, and my mom was standing over my bed, and she said: "I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Fayed have been killed in Paris", like I had something to do with it. [...] Luckily, I had a good alibi, since I was in Wisconsin and twelve.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian American. And the biggest problem with that is that I am not Asian American.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day. [...] Eighth-graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don't like about you. They don't even need to look at you for long, they'll just be like, "hey, look at that high-waisted man, he got feminine hips". And I'm like, "no, that's the thing I'm sensitive about!”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen, and I just want you all to know that, if you're ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking, and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It is so much easier not to do things than to do them that you would do anything is totally remarkable.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A "hero" is any man who does his job. You a lot of times see headlines that are like, "hero tutor teaches after school", and you're like, yeah.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I have a girlfriend now myself, which is weird because I'm probably gay, based on the way I act and behave and have walked and talked for 28 years. I think I was supposed to be gay, I think like in heaven, they built like three quarters of a gay person, and then they forgot to flip the final switch, and they just sent me out, and it was like, "you marked that one gay, right?", and it was like, "oh, no, was I supposed to?", and they were like, "oh, man this will be a very interesting person".”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know those days when you're like, "this might as well happen". Adult life is already so goddamn weird.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't like confrontation, 'cause I've never been in a fight before. Though maybe you could tell that from the first moment I walked out on stage. I don't give off that vibe. Some people give off a vibe of, like... Right away, they're like "Do not fuck with me." My vibe is more like, "Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I'll probably apologize to you.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly. They have a lot of information. Anyone who's seen my dick and met my parents needs to die. I can't have them roaming around.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was raised Catholic. I don't know if you can tell that from the everything about me.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“For those of you who aren't Catholic, I don't mean to exclude you, although we love to exclude you.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I like having a puppy that's a bulldog, 'cause it's like having a baby that is also a grandma.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“2029? That's not a real year. By 2029, I'll be drinking moon juice with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. [...] My children are not gonna be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I didn't mean to make it sound like we don't want children. We don't, but I didn't mean to make it sound like that.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, "I think Emily Dickinson's a lesbian." And they're like, "Partial credit." And that's a whole thing.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Marijuana is legal in, like, 18 or 19 states in one form or another. It's insane. Yeah, well... All right, don't "whoo" if you're white. It's always been legal for us.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You remember being 12, when you're like, "No one look at me or I'll kill myself.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I loved being a temp, because I would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Crazy people are like that. They have unlimited crazy currency. [...] The things they say mean nothing to them, but they mean everything to me.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I know now that I'm definetely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The greatest assembly of them all, once a year, Stranger Danger. [...] You are gathered together as a school and you are told never to talk to an adult that you don't know, and you are told this by an adult that you don't know.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep? But instead of winning money, you lose $120,000.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“How dare you clap? How dare you clap for the worst financial decision I ever made in my life? I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didn't.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don't even have a joke for that, that's how much I hate that shit.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't know what my body is for other than just taking my head from room to room.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Famous people are weird as shit. They're all weird. Your suspicions are correct.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“That's how I walk into rooms. I'm 35 years old, I am six feet tall. I lower myself, I go, "Hi. Knock knock." I say "knock, knock" out loud.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The world is run by robots, and we spend most of our day telling them that we're not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You spend most of your day telling a robot that you're not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don't want to walk into the ocean.”
John Mulaney (born 1982) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source