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Joan Rivers
24 quotes
“There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 1974 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Quoted in L.A. Times (10 May 1974), as reported in The Yale Book of Quotations (2006), p. 638
“[Catchphrase:] Can we talk?”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 1982 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Quoted in Wash. Post (24 Aug. 1982), as reported in The Yale Book of Quotations (2006), p. 638
“[Catchphrase:] Oh, grow up!”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) said by 2014 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 1986 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in Enjoy Your Gifted Child (1986), by C. A. Takacs, p. 55
“Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 1987 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in R. Byrne, Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1987)
“I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 1987 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in R. Byrne, Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1987)
“I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 2008 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On her plastic surgeries, quoted in The New York Times, 2008 (republished in The New York Daily News
“My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 1990 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Joan Rivers on BBC 2 (23 February 1990), as reported in The Quotable Jewish Woman (2004), by E. Partnow, p. 179
“Never floss with a stranger.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 1990 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in Words of Wisdom (1990), ed. by W. Safire & L. Safir, p. 358
“It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 1990 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Reported in The Quotable Quote Book (Carol Publishing Group, 1990), p. 258
“Two is company; three is fifty bucks.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 1990 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Reported in The Quotable Quote Book (1990), p. 258
“Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 1997 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in Reader's Digest Quotable Quotes (1997), p. 87
“Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 2000 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000), p. 21
“I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 2000 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000), p. 101
“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 2001 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 147
“My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 2001 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 213
“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 2001 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 272
“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 2003 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (2003), by R. Byrne, 94
“Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in On Being Blonde: Wit and Wisdom from the World's Most Infamous Blondes (2004), by P. Munier, p. 83
“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84
“You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 2005 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Reported in The Quote Manual: Wisdom and Wit of the Ages (2005), by R. G. Moscatelli, p. 201
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 2009 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in Seriously Funny (2009), by G. Nachman, p. 606
“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again.”
Joan Rivers (1933–2014) first seen 1984 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in Women Talk, edited by Michèle Brown & Ann OʼConnor (1984)