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Jerry Seinfeld

337 quotes

“The secret to television is: the person who gets the opportunity wants to "re-form" this type of content to them, personally.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Larry and I were so good together [on Seinfeld], if we both thought something was funny, that was good enough. That's it. If it can get through those two filters, and we both think "That's funny", I don't even-- I wouldn't even care if it wasn't funny.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I love when a critic reviews a stand-up comedian. You want to go "I've left town already, with the money!" (laughs) "I don't care what you think.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Stand-up comedy] is the ultimate democracy. The laugh is the vote.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Stand-up comedy's also the most mysterious profession in show business. It's completely shrouded in [the] mystery of "How do these people do it?" [...] Only other comedians understand it. It's like, y'know, being a cop or a prostitute: you can only hang out with other people [who] do that.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You have the Sun-Maid company, and then you have the Raisinet people. I just think it's interesting that after 80 years, Sun-Maid finally went "Hey, why don't we put some chocolate on it?" Like, imagine not thinking of that for 80 years!”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Cars are really the most sophisticated adult toys that you can use without having to really talk to anybody.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Every car has a personality. Every car is trying to say something to the world.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“On [Seinfeld], we were extremely meticulous in our scripting of every scene, every joke, every line. [...] When people came on that show, they were told by script supervisors "You don't change one comma", because that's-- the precision of joke-making generally requires that.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There's no "putting an act together". Okay? A stand-up comedian is an act. You are an act. You breathe and live an act. It's not assembled; it's not-- This is not Hello, Dolly!. It's constant, it's organic; you live inside it. It's like a snow globe. Comedy is a snow globe. You live in it.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Here's the other big secret of comedy: the audience writes most of it. You kind of give them what you think is funny, and they "grade" your work, second to second. [...] "Good word", "bad word".”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The only reason people still exist is phones need pockets to ride around in.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you like a daily slight terror, you will like being a stand-up comedian.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Comedy is so much closer to sports than the arts. Stand-up comedy is very, very close to sports: in the life of it, and the "do or die" of it. [...] Nobody cares how many hits you've had. There's guys on base now.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I want to look like my heroes from the '60s. I want to look like Frank Gorshin, and old George Carlin, and Alan King. I love[d] those guys. So, I wanted to be those guys.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I think people like a little more "personal revelation" in their comedy. And that's fine! They have-- There's three generations behind me doin' it. But my thing is: I want a number of jokes of a certain quality, and laughs. I want the room to just be ringin with laughs.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When you hear a curse word in the last line of [a comedian's] bit... that's when you know: "not solved." (laughs) "That puzzle was not solved.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The reason I got [Seinfeld] is: my manager, George Shapiro, wrote a note to Brandon Tartikoff, the President of NBC, and it was one sentence; he said "Call me a crazy guy, but I think some day Jerry Seinfeld's gonna be doing a series on NBC." Now, when he wrote that note, it was... 1988. I had been on The Tonight Show for seven years -- three times a year -- destroying. [...] And George still [had] to say to NBC "I know this sounds crazy...". I thought of this just the other week: "What was so crazy about the idea?”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“That was the dominance of network television at that time. There was no competition. [Theirs] was the only game in town. A guy like me-- Could you ima-- I would never have gotten past my second set, today, before they would've grabbed me! Right? "Hey, this guy's pretty good!" "Just grab him! Let's do-- Somebody come up with somethin' for this kid!”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Most of the time, comedians: we are expected to be the most agile, in terms of how we think and construct our thoughts and our-- what comes out of our mouth[s]. That's how we got the job. Y'know? So, I'm not really worried about [...] comedians as a group. We have been navigating these slalom gates forever.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't hear the applause when I come out [on stage]. I have no interest in that. 'Cause that's for the past. They're saying "We like what you've done in the past." And that's not what tonight's about. Tonight's about tonight. We gotta make this happen tonight. I want you to go home tonight and go "We saw a great show.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was lucky in that I was introduced to fame very-- in a very slow, incremental way.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Stories about your children are not good stories. They're not interesting, amusing, or relatable. [...] That took me a long time to learn. And a lot-- I have a lot of friends with kids that don't know it: what happened with your kid this morning at breakfast is not funny.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The concept of writing is so alien-- actual writing is so alien to most comedians.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There's something about [writing] -- whether it's a cubicle allegory, or it's a homework or schoolwork metaphor -- there's something about it that totally repels the comic mind. "I can't-- I'm not doin' that. That's work!" Which it is, but only in the beginning! Only in the first ten, fifteen minutes, right? Then, you're kind of havin' fun! You're makin' up stuff. Who cares if it works? Who cares?”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The guy on stage: I made that up. The real me is alone, in the room; that's who I am. I learned that-- the skill of people.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A joke is a miracle.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I really think an honest minimum is five years between [hour specials]. That would be a really honest-- and workin' hard!”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A real artist -- a real artist -- does what they want to do. And that-- and I'm not talking about being indulgent; I'm talking about "That joke is good enough -- for me -- to make my set-- to be in my set.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You ever wonder why Silicon Valley even exists? I have always wondered, why do these people all live and work in that location? They have all this insane technology; why don't they all just spread out wherever they want to be and connect with their devices? Because it doesn't work, that's why.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) first seen 2020 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: in his New York Times op-ed "So You Think New York Is 'Dead'" (24 August 2020)
“I always describe my upbringing as "benign neglect": that I was-- I really felt like my parents were just letting me live there 'til I grew up.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I think the duck really is the perfect model of how to live: paddle as hard as you can beneath the surface, let everything else roll off your back, and have a little sense of humor about your appearance.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The key to marriage -- of course -- is to make the other person happy. I tell all my guy friends: "Make your wife happy. You're not gonna be happy, so don't even worry about that. And that's good, 'cause that cuts your work in half!" And... further: that men don't want to be happy. We don't know what [happiness] is. We don't care what it is. We've never experienced it and couldn't be less interested in it. We just want to do whatever stupid thing it is that we're doing; that's men.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There are many things we can point to as proof that the human being is not smart. The helmet is my personal favorite: the fact that we had to invent the helmet. Now, why did we invent the helmet? Well, because we were participating in many activities that were crackin' our heads. We looked at the situation. We chose not to avoid these activities, but to just make little plastic hats so that we can continue our head-crackin' lifestyles. The only thing dumber than the helmet is the helmet law, the point of which is to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly, it's not even tryin' to stop the cracking of the head that it's in!”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You start to know, on stage, when to get off. There's just this feeling that you develop from years and years of doing it; you just feel that "We're getting-- Everyone's really having a good time... and I think, in another few minutes, this is going to start to get old... 'Good night, everybody!'" And everyone's happy! [...] It's just... proportions. Y'know? I guess it's a function of art and economy: that economy is essential to all good art. And I thought "Let's-- " Even though we had done a lot [of Seinfeld]: nine years, 180 episodes, I thought "We can't do one too many, or it's gonna taint the whole thing.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The real concept of [Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee] is: being a comedian is two things. One is: there's a show you do at night, for an audience, that you get paid for; but most of your life is hanging out during the day with other comedians, waiting for night... to do your show! [...] So, you have your set, but then, you hang out with these other people that are like yourself: they're a little socially awkward; they have this comedic aspect of their brain that they cannot turn off... and have difficulty having normal conversations with people, because we just want to say foul, obnoxious, hilarious things to make each other laugh. So, I thought "What if I tried to show people this side of the comedian life?”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Here's the great thing about writing: you don't have to do it. All you have to do is not do anything else in that time frame. So: you put your idea down and... now, you don't have to do anything. You just sit there and you eventually will realize "There's a problem here." Right? And your brain will naturally try and solve the problem, and the next thing you know, you're writing! So, it's not about forcing yourself to write; it's about creating a -- what do we call it? -- a "discrete space". Is that the right word? So, that's how you write: create a place and time where that's what's happening... but you don't have to write! Just be there with the problem.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source