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Jerry Seinfeld
337 quotes
“God has no rhyme or reason to who he gives a sense of humor to.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Have you noticed the popularity of Ultimate Fighting and The Real Housewives? These two things are two weights on the same barbell. What it is, I think, is the worst aspects of each gender exaggerated to the maximum.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've figured out that the "non-event" is the best part of life.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The comedy universe is a swamp of madness.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't think comedy has changed, and it never will change.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Comedy is the closest thing to justice. If you're funny, you survive; if you're not, you don't.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It really speaks to how bad [American] food is, that it's work.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you give someone a 50, it's a big "thing" now, where they check it quite a bit. And it's like "Well, I used it! Why can't you use it?" We're all just kind of going along with this "paper has value" scam. Right?”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I always feel like -- before you get a dog -- someone should take a pyramid of Alpo cans and a pyramid of dog shit, and put the dog in the middle. "Now, what we're gonna do... is you're gonna buy all of this and turn it into this. Do you still want to do this?”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The truth ends every conversation.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Somebody was sayin' [somethin'] the other day about "You gotta be funny, or they'll turn on you!" [...] And I go "They should turn on you!" It's a very humbling life, at any level.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't know why people always assume that the guest is more interesting than the host.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Do you know the first thing I said as a child, before I said "Mama" or "Dada"? I said "Leave me alone!" (laughs) Is that not the mantra of stand-up comedy?”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A [stand-up] bit is a bar of gold. A talk-show panel story is something that's too good to throw out but not good enough to use.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The real motivation of bein' a comedian is if you really love the sound of a laugh. And if you love that, you will never want to stop.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Comedians have such an intense allergy to pretension.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't think I felt "at home" on Earth, as a human, until I walked into a comedy club.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It was the back nine [episodes of a season], was the backbreaker for us, right? You [can] kind of figure out the first ten over the summer; you pull three more out of nowhere; and then the back nine is just-- you're Sandra Bullock in Gravity.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The comedian studies himself; the actor studies other people. The comedian wants to be himself; the actor wants to be anyone but themselves.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Comedy is more personal than food.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'll tell you the greatest thing that I've ever achieved in my career: I was on the cover of Mad magazine. And of course, I'm saying "Hello Neuman.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“To me, America used to be a place that made steel, and cars, and had giant department stores. Now, basically, we produce amateur talent and people [who] judge amateur talent.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Poetry is bad standup. It's carefully chosen words that have no laugh at the end.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've probably been working on this [Pop Tart bit] for two years. [...] It's a long time to spend on something that means absolutely nothing. But that's what I do; that's what people want me to do, is spend a lot of time wastefully... so that then, I can then waste their time!”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I like the first line to be funny right away. "When I was a kid, and they invented the Pop Tart, the back of my head blew right off!" And that got the whole thing started: that a specific part of my head blew off; not just my head, but just the back.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In the midst of that dark and hopeless moment, the Pop Tart suddenly appeared in the supermarket! And we just stared at it like [it was] an alien spacecraft and we were like... chimps in the dirt playing with sticks." [...] What makes that joke is you get "chimps", "dirt", "playing", and "sticks". In seven words, four of them are funny!”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“How did they know that there would be a need for a frosted, fruit-filled, heatable rectangle in the same shape as the box it comes in, and with the same nutrition as the box it comes in?”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm looking for the connective tissue that give me the really tight, smooth link, like a jigsaw-puzzle link, and if it's too long-- if it's just a split-second too long [...] [I] will shave letters off of words, [I'll] count syllables, y'know, to get it just-- It's more like songwriting.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“That's the hardest part: if you have a long bit, the biggest laugh has to be at the end. It has to be!”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Once this Pop Tart had come into the world, I didn't understand why we were still eating other kinds of food. 'Cause this seemed to be definitely the new way. [...] Two in the packet and two slots in the toaster. 'Why two?' One's not enough; three's too many. And they can't go stale, 'cause they were never fresh.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In my world, the wrong-er somethin' feels, the right-er it is. So, to waste this much time on something this stupid is-- that's-- that felt good to me. [...] It's the exact opposite of what we do here at the Times, which is: we spend appropriate amounts of time on deserving subjects. So, I'm the exact opposite of that: inappropriate and undeserving subjects.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When it's your name on the goddamn show... the pressure is-- it's intense! And then, the show got successful, and everybody expected each week to be even better than the last, and it was a lot of pressure. And I loved every second of it, but it was a lot of pressure and a lot of work, and it was all great, but: never could have accomplished it without [Transcendental Meditation].”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You don't need to die for what you want to accomplish. And that's what TM is about. [...] I came up with the line that "TM is like you have a cell phone and someone gives you the charger... and you go Oh... this is-- now, I can keep using this thing and it will work all the time!'.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know that tremendous feeling of power, when your phone is fully charged? And somebody calls, and you go "I want to hear every detail of this story! I am loaded with juice!" That's what TM is.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Working with the [Seinfeld] cast was pure heaven for me. We were as well suited to each other as it seems when you watch the show.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you can walk to work or take your bike on a daily basis, I think that's just about the coolest thing that there is. Every morning I listen to the traffic [report] on the radio, and they talk about how they are jammed and I just laugh.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I chose comedy because I thought it seemed much easier than work. And more fun than work. It turned out to be much harder than work, and not easy at all. But you still don't have to ever really grow up. And that's the best thing of all.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The pitch for [Seinfeld], the real pitch, when Larry and I went to NBC in 1988, was we want to show how a comedian gets his material. The show about nothing was just a joke in an episode many years later, and Larry and I to this day are surprised that it caught on as a way that people describe the show, because to us it's the opposite of that.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Never try and make a comedian laugh with one of his own jokes.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The thing about [Seinfeld] is that you have to realize that I had to look into the faces of those people, six inches away, so if you think Kramer is funny on TV, imagine his real face six inches from your nose, how funny that is. You can't imagine. It's impossible not to laugh. So I would.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Very early on in my career, I hit upon this idea of being the Heckle Therapist. So that when people would say something nasty, I would immediately become very sympathetic to them and try to help them with their problem and try to work out what was upsetting them, and try to be very understanding with their anger. It opened up this whole fun avenue for me as a comedian, and no one had ever seen that before.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I still think everything has its life cycle and if you respect it, people enjoy it longer.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Larry and I] never obsess over anything that isn't mundane.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was happy with the Seinfeld finale because we didn't want to do another episode as much as we wanted to have everybody come back to the show we had so much fun with. It was a way to thank all of the people who worked on the show over the years that we thought made the show work.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You may have noticed that I tend to quit things soon after doing them, like TV series, animated movies, book writing, broadway plays. I do feel very strongly in stopping the second I feel like I'm not excited anymore, whatever I'm doing.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The only line I quote from [Seinfeld] [...] is "If you're one of us, you'll take a bite." [...] Sometimes I'll quote Newman in flames screaming "Oh the humanity.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Newman would be my favorite supporting character. I mean, when I got to have a real evil nemesis like Superman would have, that was a dream come true for me.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When I started out in comedy in the 70s, if you didn't do clean humor you weren't getting on TV, so I started doing that so I could be on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. And then when I saw what other people were doing, I just always wanted to be a little different.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I would say that I am 90% serious in my day. Comedy is no joke.”
Jerry Seinfeld (born 1954) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source