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Jeremy Clarkson
82 quotes
“Can we be honest for a moment. You didn't have a good Christmas, did you? Your turkey was too dry, your kids spent all day glued to their internets, and you didn't bother watching the Big Christmas Film because you've owned it for years on DVD. What you should have had to liven things up was my mother. She arrived at my house with a steely resolve that the Christmas holidays would be exactly like the Christmas holidays she enjoyed when she was a child. Only without the diphtheria or the bombing raids.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Tourists do not come here for our weather, or for the quality of our provincial cooking. Nor are they attracted by the exceptional value of our hotels, our beaches, or Birmingham. I've never met an American or a Japanese person who has said: "I want to come to Britain so I can buy an Arabic newspaper from a Bengali store where the Cashier speaks Polish.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What foreigners like most about Britain is not multiculturalism or tolerance or any of that new Labour nonsense. No, what they like is our history. Shakespeare. Blenheim Palace. Soldiers in preposterous hats who don't move. Yes, they may go and see some dead dogs in a modern art gallery but that's only because they've spent the morning on top of a sightseeing bus and they're freezing.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[On a defence of the burka preventing men from looking at women sexually.] No, no, no. Honestly, the burka doesn't work. I was in a cab in Piccadilly the other day when a woman in a full burka crossing the road in front of me tripped over the pavement, went head over heels and up it came, red g-string and stockings. I promise that happened. The taxi driver will back me up on that.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Jeremy Clarkson joins burka debate" The Telegraph (28 July 2010)
“[the Ferrari F430 Speciale was] a bit wrong ... that smiling front end ... it looked like a simpleton ... [it] should have been called the 430 Speciale Needs.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On the Top Gear edition of 1 August 2010, as cited in "Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson rapped over 'special needs' joke" The Guardian (25 October 2010)
“[On the Jaguar XKR-S] It's very fast and very, very loud. And then in the corners it will get its tail out more readily than George Michael.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2011 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Why men love Top Gear" The Independent (Ireland, 22 July 2011)
“We are an endangered species, you and me. We fans of speed, we devotees of power, we lovers of performance and beauty, and mechanical soul. We dare not speak of cams or cranks or double wishbones. We fear for our love of roaring V8s and the smell of burnt rubber. We're told to think of the economy, the environment, and not excitement and enjoyment. In an age of hybrid-this and automatic-that, we are the odd ones out. Yet there is hope. There is a haven. A place that celebrates speed, grip, gears, and fun. And it's all here for you to explore.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2011 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Voice-over introduction to Forza Motorsport 4 (2011)
“[On striking public sector workers.] I would have them all shot. (laughter) I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families. I mean how dare they go on strike when they have these gilt-edged pensions that are going to be guaranteed, while the rest of us have to work for a living.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2011 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On The One Show (BBC One), cited in "Jeremy Clarkson's One Show strike outburst - full text" The Guardian (1 December 2011)
“[On an unidentified Japanese car/camper van hybrid] You know sometimes you meet someone and they have got a growth on their face and it is bigger than their face … one of those really ugly things.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2012 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: comment on Top Gear (5 February 2012) cited in "Jeremy Clarkson's 'facial growth' comment prompts complaints" The Guardian (10 February 2012)
“I love Europe and it makes me happy that one day we will have forgotten the difficult birth and made the EU work. I long for a time when I think of myself as a European first and an Englishman second. I crave a United States of Europe with one currency, one army and one type of plug socket.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Whether I’m sitting on a railway concourse in Brussels or pottering down the canals of South Western France or hurtling along a motorway in Croatia, I feel way more at home than I do when I’m trying to get something to eat in Dallas or Sacramento. I love Europe and to me, that’s important.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[I]sn’t it better to stay in and try to make the damn thing work properly? To create a United States of Europe that functions as well as the United States of America. ... Britain, on its own, has little influence on the world stage. I think we are all agreed on that. But Europe if it were well run and had good cohesive, well thought-out policies, would be a tremendous force for good.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2016 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Call up the paparazzi army to take Brussels — and keep us in Europe" The Sunday Times (13 March 2016)
“I know I’m not homophobic as I very much enjoy watching lesbians on the internet.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2019 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Jeremy Clarkson responds to Will Young's claims that The Grand Tour is homophobic" The Independent (3 February 2019)
“[Did he buy his farm in 2008 to avoid paying death duties?] That's the critical thing. So rather than just have money in the bank, and get a statement with numbers written on it that gives no one any pleasure at all, you could derive a great deal of pleasure and pass it on to your children.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2021 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Interviewed by Deborah Ross, as cited in "Jeremy Clarkson’s girlfriend Lisa Hogan on life at their farm", The Times (13 November 2021)
“Twitter is a handy and constant reminder that socialists are disgusting people.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2022 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Tweet (9 September 2022), as cited in "Harry Potter star brands Jeremy Clarkson 'rancid old thug' after socialists remark" The Independent (10 September 2022).
“There's been a massive cock up and as a result, there's a very slim chance some of our Hawkstone CIDER bottles might, there's no easy way of saying this, explode. If the cap has the code L3160, open it underwater, pour it away and get in touch for a refund. Really sorry about this but on the upside, the beer is fine and still delicious. As is the cider, in bottles that are unaffected. Which is almost all of them.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2023 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Tweet (21 July 2023), as cited in "Jeremy Clarkson warns some of his cider bottles could explode", The Guardian (22 July 2023)
“I am without a doubt, officially, the world's luckiest man.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2026 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Quoted in "Jeremy Clarkson in remission from prostate cancer", BBC News (21 June 2026)
“I've argued time and again that the old trade unionists and CND lesbians didn't go away. They just morphed into environmentalists. The red's become green but the goals remain the same. And there's no better way of achieving those goals than turning the lights out and therefore winding the clock back to the Stone Age. Only when we're all eating leaves under a hammer and sickle will they be happy.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There's an especially marvellous moment in the wonderful film Planes, Trains and Automobiles when Steve Martin turns to John Candy and says, 'When you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea: have a point. It makes things so much more interesting for the listener.'”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I used to work on a television show called Top Gear and every week the films were edited to a length that felt right. They felt balanced. They felt good. But every week there simply wasn't the time to fit them into the programme- so they'd have to be shortened. And without exception they were better as a result.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The ability to get your message across quickly is going to become a lot more important in the future because an entire generation is growing up with an intolerance for wasted time.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[on the Aston Martin DB7 sat-nav] Then there's the satellite navigation system which is the most complicated sat-nav system in the world. And the wrongest. Always wants to take you to Bedford. Even if you want to go to Manchester, it wants to go to Bedford, that's all it knows. You want to go somewhere? "Sure, I'll take you to Bedford.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in a day.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2008 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Top Gear, 2 November 2008; as quoted in "Clarkson joke sparks complaints", BBC News, 4 November 2008
“And it isn't only fast in a straight line. You ever wondered what Blenheim Palace would look like going sideways? Well, I'll turn the traction control off- and you need wonder no more.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If Hollywood were to make a trailer for this car, I know how it'd go. [In an American 'announcer voice'] "Bentley. Fear beyond your wildest dreams. In a Bentley, no one can hear you scream.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The Alfa Romeo GTV6 had the worst gearbox I've ever encountered, and the worst driving position and the worst record for reliability. Nevertheless, I bought one. I knew it was a hopeless basket case but I'd become smitten by the noise its engine made: a rumble in the jungle at low revs and almost an eerie howl as it neared the red line. I would put up with the massive bouts of truculence, the deep discomfort and the absurdly heavy steering because no car before, or since, has ever made such a glorious sound. It was music to the enthusiast's ears, like a cross between 'Ode to Joy' and 'Nessun Dorma'.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I mean, it isn't as though the Saab badge stands for anything particularly dramatic. This fighter jet thing seems a bit weak somehow, and anyway it wasn't that long ago when Saab were selling their cars on the safety ticket. And before that, they were doing rallies. The result of all this haphazard marketing is that, today, the cars are almost completely image-free. And that, I suspect, is where their appeal lies. They are sold to people who don't wish to use their car as a style statement, people who simply need four wheels and a comfortable seat so that they may get to work as easily as possible... We're getting somewhere here, because if this is true it explains something else- no one has ever been carved up by a Saab. Think about it: has a Saab ever jumped a red light or tailgated you on the motorway? Have you ever seen a Saab being driven in anything other than a considerate and stealthy fashion? No, and neither have I. This is because the sort of people who are drawn to this image-free environment are the sort of people who don't use their subconscious to drive. They know that to do it properly they have to concentrate, absolutely, on the job in hand. So they do. And that's why they never carve us up.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In order for a car to have personality, an X factor, the company that makes it must be able to take guidance and inspiration from one man, the man who started the company in the first place. This did not happen with the car outside my window, which was undoubtedly built in a jungle clearing by a company that makes cars to make money. No one began Proton or Hyundai or Daewoo because they harboured a dream of making something extraordinary or special. They are just enormous engineering and construction conglomerates that have been told by their respective governments to make cars so that the locals can get off their oxen and get modern.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We see the same sort of thing in Japan. There was never a Mr. Toyota who, since he was a small boy, yearned for the day when he could build a small family hatchback that never broke down. And you can scour the history books until the sky turns green but you'll not find any mention of a young Timmy Datsun who stayed up until ten o'clock, even on school nights, devising his plan for a car with two milometers. Subarus are made by a romantic-sounding outfit called Fuji Heavy Industries. At night I bet the chairman sometimes forgets he has a car division. It'll just be another entry in his plofit and ross accounts. The only Japanese cars with even a trace of humanity are Hondas, and there's a very good reason for that. There was a Mr. Honda and he did have a vision when he was a small boy. Even today that vision still steers the engineers, and as a result there's a very definite correlation between the S2000 sports cars and those early motorbikes. It's solely because of this link with the past that I like Hondas more than any other Japanese cars.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“William Shakespeare has probably done more to damage the cultural worth of Britain than anyone else in the whole of human history. After endlessly having to study his plays on the school curriculum, generations of children have ventured into adulthood convinced that all literature is coma-inducingly dreary. I don't blame them. Portia's speech about the 'gentle rain' is in no way as stimulating as 10 minutes of Grand Theft Auto. I believe that Shakespeare, along with Milton, Donne and Chaucer, has a place in modern Britain. And that place is deep in the bowels of the British Library, where he can be studied by hardcore language students.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Cars. To some, they're just transport. A convenient alternative to highly-flammable dirigibles or walking. But you- you understand that cars are far more than this. They are our history. They mark the moments by which we define decades. Cars are some of the most intoxicating, most beautiful things ever forged by mankind. They represent the glory of technology, the essence of freedom, and have been the weapons in some of our most gripping sporting battles. They grip us, they cheer us on, they hold us up as heroes. So this is about the love of all things four-wheeled and fast. This is a shrine to power, to speed, to metal made beautiful. This is where dreams are driven. Welcome to Forza.”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2013 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Voice-over introduction to Forza Motorsport 5 (2013)
“One of the drawbacks I notice quite often is that in South Kensington, which is a leafy part of southwest London, almost everyone is French. The whole area is awash with lovely patisseries and the pavements are rammed with women so elegant and beautiful I have to bite the back of my hand to stop myself from crying out. This is obviously so much worse than if everyone were lurching around in tracksuits looking for somewhere to vomit. Just up the road, I know of a Polish restaurant where you can buy dainty little dumplings. And for sure this is a huge step backwards from the takeaway joint that used to be on the site. Because who wants to be served a dumpling by a charming Polish man when they could have a polystyrene tray full of slime instead?”
Jeremy Clarkson (born 1960) first seen 2014 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: We’ll always have Paris and Polish dumplings — until UKIP wins the day" The Sunday Times (1 June 2014). Reprinted in As I Was Saying . . .: The World According to Clarkson Volume 6 Michael Joseph, 2015/Penguin, 2016, p.…