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Jay London

52 quotes

• “(In a tone suggesting a reference to his upbringing) I was brought up on charges.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “So how do you like my overall look? (Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls)”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I get all my hair products at PetCo. (Jay's hair is long, curly, and quite messy)”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “You know what burns me? Matches.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I was born nine months premature.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say "It's beyond me.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “People read me but they don't subscribe.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I went to a urologist. He told me I could go at any time.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said "Compared to who?”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I went on a date with a weather girl, we talked up a storm.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I go around slashing tire prices.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I'm addicted to prescription glasses.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I went to the store and bought lady fingers. When I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I saw a sign that said "Left Lane Closed." So I went someplace else.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I saw a stationery store move.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I model irregular clothing.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “Take my life, please.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “Am I bothering you, miss?”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “It'll be over soon, miss.”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “Let me move over here. (Jay would then move barely a few inches to the left or right. He generally repeats this a few times per show)”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “Sir, would you please come up here and kick the shit out of me?”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

• “Did you know it was a year ago today?”

  Jay London (born 1966) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source

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