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George Carlin
163 quotes
“I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Everything's been sanitized now and cleaned up. First with these fucking Christians. You just start with them. You know. I'm so, you know. That's just one, wait a minute now. Yeah, you know. Let's not leave out these PC campus liberal assholes. I mean they're just as fucking bad from a different direction.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People are fucking nuts. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. You ever notice that? Oh, my goodness. Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. And they all vote. They all vote. In fact, sometimes you get the impression that they're the only ones who vote.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'd like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. Fuck him and his balls, and his bicycles, and his steroids, and his yellow shirts, and the dumb empty expression on his face. I'm tired of that asshole.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, "Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died." "Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday." "Yeah? … Didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself?”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But let's say it's true; let's say God gave us these rights. Why would he give us a certain number of rights? The Bill of Rights of this country has ten stipulations, okay? Ten rights. And apparently God was doing sloppy work that week because we've had to amend the Bill of Rights an additional 17 times. So God forgot a couple of things. Like...SLAVERY! Just fuckin' slipped his mind.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've also grown weary of reading about clouds in a book. Doesn't this piss you off? You're reading a nice story, and suddenly the writer has to stop and describe the clouds. Who cares? [...] I'm not interested. Skip the clouds and get to the fucking. The only story I know of where clouds are important was Noah's Ark! (12)”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We're not satisfied with forcing Russia to destroy its nuclear weapons and recant its ideology. Now we're really going to get even: we're sending experts to show them how to run their economy. Am I missing something? A country with a five-trillion-dollar debt is giving advice on handling money? (101)”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. (206)”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting skin cancer in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory appearance of good health, while germ-laden medical waste washes up on the sand all around them. (entitled Surf's Down Forever, p. 207)”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Nature used to eliminate the weak, imperfect kids before they were old enough to reproduce their flaws. Now we have a medical industry dedicated to keeping people alive just long enough to pass along their bad genes to another generation. It's medical arrogance, and it works against nature's plan. (224)”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm sick of hearing about a baby being kept alive on a resuscitator while doctors wait for a kidney to be flown in on a private jet contributed by some corporation seeking good publicity because they just killed six thousand people in Pakistan with a chemical spill. I'm tired of this shit being presented in the context of real news. (224)”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. They even have a war college at Ft. McNair, Washington. They call it the National Defense University, but it's a war college. They don't have a peace college. And they have war plans for every contingency, no matter how remote. If Easter Island gives us some crap tomorrow, we have a plan in a computer that tells us exactly how to thoroughly bomb the shit out of Easter Island. You name the country, we've got the plan. (p. 237)”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr. (243)”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Try explaining Hitler to a kid.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic- I'm an acrostic, the whole thing puzzles me.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Meow means "woof" in cat.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) first seen 1921 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Cf. Bernard Shaw, Back to Methuselah (1921), Pt. I : In the Beginning: I hear you say "Why?" Always "Why?" You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?
“I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. In fact, I regularly pray for serious, life-threatening rodeo injuries. I wish for a cowboy to walk crooked, and with great pain, for the rest of his life.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is patrolling that portion of the room I don't occupy. But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I think I am, therefore I am. I think.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“An art thief is a man who takes pictures.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Undisputed heavyweight champion." Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about?”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm! Maybe I'm not supposed to understand it...”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So maybe it's not the politicians who suck; maybe it's something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: "The public sucks. Elect me." Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don't have people like that. Everyone's at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn't abandon the religious theme completely. How about "Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree's on Fire"? Or "Jesus, Can You Believe It's Christmas Again?" This ought to get the ball rolling; I'm hoping you people will take it from here.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don't like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, "I hope your children turn out poorly." Only once have I lost my cool. That was the time I said to a woman, "I hope you get a blister on your cunt.' But I said it with a smile.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as human shields. That's not accurate. Although it's true they were used as shields, the fact is they were humans already. So if these humans were used as shields, they were human shields. They weren't being used as human shields. Got that?”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The fanatics have another name for fetuses. They call them the pre-born. Now we're getting creative. If you accept pre-born, I think you would have to say that, at the moment of birth, we go instantly from being pre-born to being pre-dead. Makes sense, doesn't it? Technically, we're all pre-dead.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I, George Carlin, being of sound mind, do not wish, upon my demise, to be buried or cremated. I wish to be BLOWN UP.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“After "Jammin' In New York", I went from a comedian who wrote his own material to a writer who performed his own material... I became socially conscious, and found I had something to say that wasn't too common.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) first seen 1995 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: New York Times Interview, 1995