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George Carlin

163 quotes

“I was on a talk show recently, and the host asked me, "What do you think about the dope problem?" I said, "Definitely, I feel we have too many dopes." No question about it. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugs...it's all those DRUG stores, right? Every three or four blocks, there's a big sign: "DRUGS", "Open All Night – DRUGS", "We Deliver – DRUGS", "Cut-rate DRUGS"... it's the biggest thing on their sign: "Cosmetics – Sundries – DRUGS".”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. They never mention coffee. The low end of the speed spectrum, I grant you, but there are coffee freaks. And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Birth control pills are still on prescription. You still need a note to get laid.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And athletes, athletes got into uppers, college athletes. The right wing's last line of defense on campus. They're doing amphetamines. Remember when "being up for the game" was kind of a spiritual thing? Now, man..."You up for the game?" "(pop, pop) Been up all week, man!”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“O Beautiful, for smoggy skies, insecticided grain”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There are two-way words, like, it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say, "Roberto Clemente has two balls on him!" But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And the other two-way word is "prick". It's okay if it happens to your finger; yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Nobody goes right to work. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minutes belong to you, right? It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. "I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?" Really. You never see a memo that says 9:01.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!" But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It was in 1951, when I was 14, when grass swept the neighborhood. We hadn't been into grass before, we were into gang fighting, and wine and beer in the park, and punching the shit out of people, and having jackets with your name, and your girls were your 'debs', and you had turf, and all that dumb shit, and we would get into fights over girls...and then pot came along and gang fighting went away. In one semester, in shop class, all the guys went from making zip guns to hash pipes.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone … Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me!”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? There's such balance in nature.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass".”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother." Well he was an honest guy ya know, he wasn't gonna bullshit a 4-year-old.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Let's go for a drive OK? Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Say "you assholes are goin' for a ride!”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? First thing- "Hey! It was stolen!" It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. "Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked 5 twos!”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to give her some tongue. And I'd say "Well, I don't get off 'till four o'clock." And she'd say "Well, I don't get off at all. That's why I'm looking for some tongue!”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it, one swing, fuck you, you're out, sit down!”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimme my money back—or I'm shittin' in the well!”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people [snaps fingers] just like that!”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? [audience yells "No"] Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But what's the alternative? What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? Pointless careerism? Pointless careerism, putting on a man tailored suit and shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men? Is this the noblest thing that women can think of?”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a...secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It's as simple as that. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people, or they depopulate the area. The government doesn't lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Israeli murderers are called commandos, Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Think of the intellect it must take to derive pleasure from this activity: Hitting a ball with a crooked stick...and walking after it! And then...hitting it again! I say, "Pick it up, asshole, you're lucky you found the fuckin' thing! Put it in your pocket and go the fuck home, you're a winner! You're a winner!" But no, Dorko in the plaid knickers is gonna hit it again, and walk some more.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There are over seventeen thousand golf courses in America. They average over one hundred and fifty acres a piece – that's three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles – you could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist—there's another thing; the only blacks you'll find at country clubs are carrying trays—and a boring game. A boring game for boring people. You ever watch golf on television? It's like watching flies fuck! And a mindless game, too.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these fucking people alone for Christ's sake! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians are just tossing them aside. You'd think they'd make natural allies! Don't look for consistency in religion.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And you might have noticed something else. The sanctity of life doesn't seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says 'Save the tumors'. Or 'I brake for advanced melanoma'. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Nothing sacred about those things. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Pretty neat deal, huh? You know how we got it? We made the whole fucking thing up!”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people; a maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm also tired of hearing about 'innocent victims'. This is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Next fucking case! Your birth certificate is proof of guilt!”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And camcorders: here is technology gone berserk. Everywhere you go now, there's some dick, some yo-yo, some putz with a camcorder, and he is going to tape...EVERYTHING! Doesn't anyone in this country stop and LOOK AT THINGS anymore? Sort of take them in? Maybe even...remember them? Is that such a strange notion. Does experience need to be documented and brought home and saved on a shelf? And do people really watch this shit? Are people's lives so bankrupt they sit at home looking at things they already DID?”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So let me ask you something: how's everybody doing tonight, huh? (audience cheers) Good, well, fuck you! Just trying to make you feel at home.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The American people like their bullshit right out front where they can get a good, strong whiff of it. Clinton might be full of shit, but at least he lets you know it. Dole tried to hide it, didn't he? Dole kept saying, "I'm a plain and honest man." Bullshit! People don't believe that! What did Clinton say? He said, "Hi folks, I'm completely full of shit, and how do you like that?" And the people said, "You know something? At least he's honest." At least he's honest about being completely full of shit.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshiper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshiper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know?...”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see:”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. "Pardon me, officer, would you mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the car, please? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugar Lips! That's his ribcage sticking out the glove compartment. Thank you, officer, that'll be all. You can throw him back on the pile.”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I give you my revised list of the Two Commandments: "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie", and "thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to". Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket, and I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment: "Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself".”
George Carlin (1937–2008) said by 2008 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source