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Emo Philips
32 quotes
“Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) first seen 1990 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in The Fourth — And By Far The Most Recent — 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said : Many Given Heightened Piquancy by Nineteenth-Century Line Cuts (1990) edited by Robert Byrne, 32
“I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in Psychology Today (July 2006)
“I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was... conscious. … But I love her from the hair on her head to the tag on her toes.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind...”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would … and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.”
Emo Philips (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source