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Dylan Moran

161 quotes

“You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler...”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“German food is so bad, even Hitler was a vegetarian. "Would you like some more shtrudleghraf on your shamlw?" How appetising does that sound?”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It sounds like typewriters eating tin foil being kicked down the stairs.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Because that's still how Irish people are seen, as twinkly-eyed fuckers with a pig under their arm, high-stepping it around the world, going 'I'll paint your house now, but watch out, I might steal the ladder later, ohohoho!' Which is only half true!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If somebody blocks you when you're walking, you're positively Edwardian in your manners. You do this sheepish little smile together, and you step aside. And you both do it at the same time, and you go "for goodness sake, what a to-do! Oh-ho-ho, dear me! I'll just eh, I'll just—oh, we did it again, can you believe it, I can't believe it! We should be on the stage! One more time, I'll just—oh, how did we ever get this far as a species!" But, for some reason, in a car, that becomes "YOU SPUNK BUCKET!".... from, you know, an eighty nine year-old church warden.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Would you like red or white wine with your piece of vulcanised lizards cock from the moon? How about an extra bread roll, there to dip in your otter vomit pate?" And you're going, "Red or white wine, well, what would you like, darling? I don't know, what would you like?", all to block out the thought that's in your mind which is - "We're gonna die, we're all gonna die, we're all gonna die, right now. The plane is made of metal, the wings are made of metal, we're all eating, and I'm the only non-terrorist aboard, we're all going to die.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“How small does your cock have to be, to make you walk into a car showroom and say: "Listen, I need something the size of a school, so people know I'm around.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Most heterosexual people in this country, and around the world, meet each other, and get together with one another when they’re totally, totally drunk. Smashed out of their minds they could not spell their own face. And they go home with that person! And you might spend months with that person, or a year, or you might have a family! This is what happens, this is how you meet. But you wouldn’t buy a toaster when you’re drunk, ‘cause that’s too important. It's got to be crispy in just the right way, hasn't it?”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The candlelight dances off her mahogany-coloured skin as she un-robes, and she is smiling from the very middle of herself, and you look at them and you think "This is the one, this is it" and then—and then the cage comes down!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Your nose hair... which is grey... is in my eye.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The meaning of the word "gay" has changed. It used to mean all colourful and happy and homosexual, but now it's a word children use to describe something that's a little bit meh. "You're eating Weetabix? Oh, that's so gay.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Children are actually very sophisticated. They sleep in your bed for a reason. The child is born, it takes a look around, and thinks "Well this isn't quite what I'd hoped for. All these people are idiots... I wouldn't've have painted the house like this at all... But I've got to make the best of it. I've got to maximize my resources. So the key thing is to stop these people from having any more children.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“That’s why adults are confused a lot of the time. Adults are terribly confused, messed up people. That’s because they forget, really, that they don’t have to pretend all the time. Really, the fact is that you’re not an adult at all - you’re just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don’t understand… "The Middle East? Yeah, I know it was really bad. I wouldn’t have done that. A hysterectomy? Yeah, very painful, the shoulder is a very painful area.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Children aren't like that, which is why they look so young, 'cause they always have a sense of style and purpose. When they're walking around, they have a very definite purpose, they're walking. And it's a great walk as well, it's not an adult's sort of bemused shuffle, it's that 'I'm going over here.' And you say 'Why are you going over there?' 'Because I have a harmonica.' 'What are you doing with the harmonica?' 'I'm going to put it in the toilet.' 'Why are you doing tha—' 'Enough questions, goodbye!'”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Well I’m here, you know? Your house is a medley of disgusting smells, there’s nothing to eat, everybody’s wearing bathrobes, there’s no bar, I can’t fuck anybody. Why am I here?”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What do women want?" As though it's really mysterious. As though it's a big deal. All that women want is what anybody wants. You know, friendship and companionship and respect and a certain amount of leadership with submission and a kind of cooperation at all times and pre-emptive empathy and you know, general telepathy. It's no big deal, is it? [...] Traditionally, women have been attracted to uniforms. So it's not difficult to know what women want. Fascists - that's really what they're all after!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Cool, calm, and unemotional. Protestant, for short. It's a fantastic religion, it makes absolutely no demands upon you at all, which is why it's not a great religion. All great religions are built on shame. You don't have any of that if you're Protestant. You go to the church, sing a few hymns, have a cup of tea, everybody goes home and has a wank.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I am actually walking towards the biscuit, I didn't realise I was, but now I do, oh oh oh I am actually eating the biscuit...oh no, oh the shame, oh I don't know what's better, THE BISCUIT OR THE SHAME..oh oh the shame.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you are going to have an afterlife, why not just have a physical afterlife? Just come back as a tentacle with a set of lips looking for huge lumps of chocolate to fuck, it'd be much more reasonable.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm quite a compulsive person—I only worked this out recently—I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We want women to look like cakes!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What is that? What is that supposed to be? It's never really casual, you always have to turn up. It's never casual unless you're both wearing Sherlock Holmes hats or something. You're covered in crisps, one of you's eating an omelette, the other one's doing a crossword, then it's kind of casual.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Do you know how fat you are, do you? No, you don't, 'CAUSE YOUR FACE IS AN ISLAND TRAPPED IN A SEA OF FLAB! I would stab you to death... but I can't afford to take the two weeks off work!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Listen, LISTEN... I agree... with everything... you're carving... on the kitchen table, I do. But do you think maybe this might have something to do with your per-ARGH!"(falls backward as if kicked). That first high kick to the thorax generally does the trick.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Sometimes is just, you know... insulting.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And women as a group, en masse, do show contempt for men, en masse... as a group, you hear a lot of contempt for men: "Oh look! Look at them, look! There they go! One of them's trying to DO something".”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We end up back with each other. There’s nowhere else to go. People! You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it’s an organism that’s half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is! ‘Cause you’ve got two people walking around together all the time trying to remember all the different shit they have to lie about to each other!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Like when you watch young people on the street and they’re talking. And doing those handshakes that take three quarters of an hour, with the amazingly younger language: “Yeah, yo, dawg, kicking back with the chill, rad.” WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SAY HELLO?”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: "Be realistic!"[...] You never hear someone go "Be realistic! Let me oil you.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You ask women, “You know how painful is it? What are talking about here?” And you don’t get an answer, you get anger...and it always starts with the melon...“IMAGINE A MELON!...COMING THROUGH YOUR FACE!...fuckin' stay there, I’ll get a melon!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Here your Prime Minister has an approval rating of 75%... which is- What's he doing? Nobody ever gets 75%, is he coming round at night, with a pot roast, touching you on the knee and telling you that you’ve lost weight? What’s going on?! This is madness, nobody gets 75% not even when you’re madly in love with somebody, and you’re fucking each other’s brains out do you give each other 75%! You’ve got to hold a bit back, keep the other person guessing you know? ...keep it at a steady 40...”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Or Berlusconi, in Italy, right; the envy of the world, Italy, in terms of history, art and culture, 98 different political parties, and they still managed to elect him! He’s so fucking crooked he sleeps on a spiral staircase! So thoroughly corrupt, every time he smiles an angel gets gonorrhoea! He's had so many face-lifts, his face has moved to the top of his head, you have to get on a step-ladder to watch him lie!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We need to believe something, and you’re not allowed to believe in religion… Well, you can, but people will laugh at you and throw things. ‘Cause it was just sort of decided in the 20th century that religion is basically a formalized panic about death. Look at the Catholic church, the campest organization on the planet with the purple robes, gold bits on the side, jewellery so big if they let it fall it would kill people... What else can it be, but this sort of ritual of panic about death? “DEATH IS COMING! Quick, put on the gold hat!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A couple of days ago I saw one of those signs outside of churches and it said "Jesus said: I am the light of the world". Which is a very male view, you know, if Jesus had been Jesusina it would've been more modest. You know because it's a women, she would've been traditionally more modest. Jesusina would've gone: "Well I'm quite bright".”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The other morning, I woke up. I was frightened – I’m always frightened in the morning, I don’t know where I am. But I heard this beautiful reassuring sound, it sounded like my childhood. I thought, what’s that? Is it? Church bells behind the hill? Or, no – it’s an ice cream van, in the rain. It was me, BREATHING!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know, people come in here with their fucking camera phones - everything’s a camera nowadays; you pick up a piece of fruit, it takes a picture of you. Or the computers which are everywhere which is proof that we like to be watched. That what we’ve replaced God with, technology! We’re fucking afraid to be alone, in a lift, in a taxi cab, we need cameras everywhere recording us unless we realise we’re alone, we might do something scary... like whimper, I don’t know!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“WHAT'S WRONG WITH US?! We're the only organism the planet is actively asking to fuck off! By burning things, and freezing things, and melting things on us! It's like going past the ocean and seeing it spit out whales, "Fuck off, I've had enough of you!" Passing the eucalyptus tree as the koalas hang on, the tree's going [Swaying violenty] "Get - the fuck - away - from me!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“These fingers are from Florence. Yves Saint Laurent himself designed my arse. My nipples are reconstructed from an early unfinished blue print by Coco Chanel, hence their lopsided charm. One of them is on my shoulder. The other five I keep handily between my toes, which, in themselves are a bit embarrassing. But fuck it, it was the 80’s, you had to have suede.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Young people, should be allowed to go up to one another and say “Hi” and that’s it – they go off and do something wonderfully stupid together...like have a gap year, there’s no other justification for that as far as I can see. What do young people have gap years for? They haven’t done anything yet! Why don’t they have a full year, where they do 9 times as much work as they’ve ever done in their life to prepare them for what the rest of adult hood feels like - which wandering around a desert, with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source