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Dylan Moran

161 quotes

“It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette... unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't bother with drugs myself 'cause I'm at that age now; I don't need to. If I want a rush, I just get out of a chair when I don't expect it. Forget to give yourself a couple of days notice before you tie your shoes. Whoosh! What a rush!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up; you go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you and ask, "How was last night?" You'll say, "It was fantastic! ...I can't see. No sens— no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come; you would've at least lost an ear!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You see the button with the picture of the guy with the plate, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land. It's my Wizard-Of-Oz phone.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I Know. I Know! Let's Go Potholing! In Croatia!" "Fine. I know a guy who can give us a lift... Me!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There’s the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that’s ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There’s the other one, you know, where you go "Ga…bt…jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga…ba…ah, actually that’s not that bad, that is. It’s quite nice.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you think, "What is this? This is pointless! It's— you can't taste it, you can't smell it... Why did we waste our money on this, bloody— why are we on a traffic island?”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It turns you into two people: one of you's very nice, you'll go up to total strangers and say, "Come in, come in, sit down, for God's sake, have something. Have my bed." And then you'll go up to people you've known and loved all your life and say, "Get the fuck out of my house! Go on, get out! And leave a tip!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner. "Nobody likes my shoes!" "I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said 'Thank you.'" And my favourite: "Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But look at the people who use [their potential] — who do actually give it everything... The Beckhams or Roy Keanes of this world. People charging! Running up and down the field, swearing and shouting at each other. Are they happy? No! They're destroying themselves! Who's happy? You! The fat fucks watching them, with a beer can balanced on your ninth belly, roaring advice at the best athletes in the world. "YOU WANKER!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Everybody does that now. We all take pics… you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture ‘cause you’re too busy recording it; so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My ideal body, you know, would be just probably something like, ahm... One eye, you probably only need one. A kind of sucker thing instead of teeth, because they just give you grief in the end, you know. And a long, long tube with my arse way over there so I don't have to deal with it. That would be ideal.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This is our Smeg fridge, the whole house is made of Smeg. We're made of Smeg, aren't we, Roy?" "Yes, dear.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So, what else is going on? Music? Fine, here is The Beatles, The Stones come here later this evening, there is The Velvet Underground, Janis Joplin has just gone to lunch. So, do you want something to do in between now and then, I'd grow my hair and fornicate if I were you.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What's going on? What do we do now? "Don't fuck anybody or you die! Never mind, here comes MC Hammer.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I remember when singers were singers. Ugly people. Aretha Franklin needed a lot of room to eat her chicken wings. Janis Joplin used to come out in clothes woven from her own vomit. Nina Simone, amazing singer, could look at a railway track and buckle it. It didn’t matter; They were beautiful people because of what they could do.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I got my pecs, I got limos, I got bitches, and all my limo's powered by bitch juice, and my spare pecs are in the limo." … "I'm gonna fuck you up. I'm gonna dig up your dad, and shove him up your mum and drink your blood from a drinking cup, you fuck!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? Then I'm fucked!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know, it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks: "Daddy, is this organic?" "Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight! We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You don't need to turn the light switch on and off, again! You have absolutely NAILED DOWN the principle finding of that experiment; when you turn the lights off, daddy can't see ANYTHING. He steps on your toys trying to find you and kill you... And breaks his foot!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“- Get into the bath.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don’t even see young people on the street anymore. I see youths. You know, how they’re described in police radio reports…. Slumped S-shapes in their hoods, beside their harrowed dogs and a bin full of burning grannies, all texting each other because they’ve given up on speech… plotting something terrible like how to make cider out of blood.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I asked a women I was with once, simple question, I asked her 'Have you ever eaten pheasant?' See, it's direct, isn't it?! It's enclosed, it contains everything that needs to be said! And she said a wonderful thing. She said "Erm..."—she thought about it—and she said "Er, not really." What does that mean? On any level? I mean, did you suck it and throw it away? Did someone drop it in your drink? What happened? Was it a speeding car, one lick? WHAT, WHAT?!?!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When you're born, you have a finger up your nose, the other hand on your dick, and you get taller. And that is really it.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“All male arguments are very early '70s, Soviet-made, uni-directional trundling behemoths that say the same thing again and again and again: "I told you I would be late on Tuesday, I told you I would be late, I said it, I heard my own voice, I did say it... I told yoouuuu." Whereas women seem to have these amazing, slinky stealth bombers designed by Jaguar! With a lovely cream leather interior and infinite torque! That's why they can respond by saying "Yes, maybe, alright, but why is the fridge door open?" "I don't understand, I don't understand...”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm kinda looking forward to being old, you know really really old, so that I can lean over in a restaurant with my son or daughter and say: "You know what I just did? I just pissed myself, you deal with it, then carry on telling me about you job or divorce or whatever the fuck it is, I’m not really listening to you to be honest, which one are you Siobhan or Simon? I can never tell.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What dya mean theres no fackin chips, I come ere on a plane, you cunt! I've got children ere, what am I spose to do with this fackin tomato fiasco.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The weak, sensual, pleasure-loving French. You know, not going to war because they’re all still in bed at two in the afternoon, with the sheets coiled about their knees, lying, there scratching themselves, smoking a Gauloise inside a Gitane, sweating Nice sancerre. Before one of them sloughs off the sheets to pad around the kitchen naked. No, not naked, naked from the waist down. To emphasise their nakedity. Picking up yesterday's croissant crumbs with their sweaty feet. Slashing yesterday's paintings.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Well, you know what they say about John, anyway?”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know… People— I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There's a guy, John Humphries, who does a lot of the interviews, and he sounds like he's been up since about midnight jogging on the spot to accuse people you've never heard of of lying. It's very aggressive right from the off. You turn it on and he goes: "DON'T LIE TO ME!! DON'T LIE TO ME! I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 45 YEARS, WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A FUCKIN TURNIP?!" [...] "WHERE ARE THE BOMBS? WHERE ARE THEY?!?!....Get up so I can kick you again, you lying fuck!”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“That's why the have the programmes presented by 45 guys; "Hi I'm Ted, I'm Bob, I'm Ralph, I'm Dick, I'm Dale, I'm Nick, I'm Will", and they keep changing all the angles of the camera. "I'm over here, I'm at this desk, I'm standing here" and Wendy comes up from under the desk with the financial weather.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And then I did a very male sort of reckoning, I did the calculation, I thought, ‘right. there’s three of you and there’s one of me’—I’m rubbish at maths, by the way—but, in record time, I worked out that it would take, at least, three of me to defend myself against a third of one of them even if he only attacked me with his ass. I’m not a fighter, you know, I’m a bleeder. The best I can hope for would be to drown somebody else with my own blood... if I don’t drown myself before.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You're looking for a lump in a bag of lumps, that can take some time”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Bagpipes covered in hair”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This stage, if it hasn't already, probably will see a production of the Vagina Monologues. Which I cannot wait to see, because it sounds so fabulously fucking stupid. Everybody knows that if female genitalia could speak, it would sound exactly like Enya.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You’re never going to go. Why would you go? It’s a disgusting place. It’s always wet even when it’s dry. There’s nothing there. Farmers aren’t really people, you know this. They’re just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“NEVER try the local thing. You know why it's local? Because it's shit, that's why it's local. You eat it, you'll become one of them, you'll turn red and start spouting bigotry and eating tweed with lamb fat dribbling down your chin, don't go near any of that stuff.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They have sheets of ham so large that if you bite out the middle, you've saved yourself the price of a poncho.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“America is like the really bad flatmate of the world: 'Oh sorry, did I break all your shit? I d'n't know it was yours. Yeah, I'll replace it sometime... with my stuff.'.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You had an empire once, Britain. Had a great empire! Impressively commandeered and sequestered from the rest of the world, with great style. You just marched in and said 'You, you and you—fuck off, we're having tiffin.'.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I got bored of the tedious conversations, talking to the dealer in a stairwell where you're not supposed to be, then going back to a depressing room and spending nine hours locked up going "eeerh", then going back to get more with what little money you have left.”
Dylan Moran (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source