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Doug Stanhope

58 quotes

“Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: When asked, "What would constitute 'complete happiness' to Doug Stanhope (you)?" Doug Stanhope interview, MarkPrindle.com, 2007
“Whether the reasoning for these laws is insurance costs, more opportunities for random taxation through traffic stops, curbing lost production or any other justification that could be offered, the bottom line is that it isn't governments place. You own your body. No legislation should infringe on that.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On legislation against drug use, driving without a seatbelt, and motorcycling without a helmet. Doug Stanhope interview, MarkPrindle.com, 2007
“Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think, "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it. Vice cops don't fight real crime. That's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to A.A. than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Life is like animal porn. It's not for everyone.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie. If you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people they're silly and fucking irritating.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's thirty days since the terrorist act. George Bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and to go back to what we used to do, so I've gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft-headed tit and a danger to all of us.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Does anyone get upset that George Bush keeps quoting the bible in all his fucking speeches? Does that get on anyone's last nerve? Does it ever occur to him that it's all those stupid fucking religions that start all this shit in the first place? National day of prayer? Fuck you! You think you're doing something? You're not. You can sit at home and cry jinx and keep your fingers crossed, too; it does as much good. You wanna pray? Pray all day. Pray on your own time. You wanna help? Grab a shovel and start digging there, pinwheel, 'cause it looks like your god takes Tuesdays off.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss, then why are you wearing a seatbelt?”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Drugs support terrorism"? No, your SUV supports terrorism.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I had a girl say this to me. She goes, "You know, if God intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate." I said, "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game. Have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dogshit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion. You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north"? No, it's because you got a silly, placebo religion, 'cause you don't want to admit that you don't fucking know.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes? They're fuckin' tools! You might be the first guy who could to do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't mean you're good.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The problem with this country is that old folks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body. If it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" [miming a pump-action shotgun] stop me!”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason. It gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs...and more holes, that's what you ladies need!”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go, "Baby, this shit we got together, it's so good, we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment 'tweenst us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955, when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best...you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[on people who join the military] As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go, "Uh, hey man, uh, gimme an egg and cheese," and the kid will say, "I'm sorry, sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff away." You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Why would you die for someone's sins? Your sins are the only thing interesting about you, you dreary, bleak motherfuckers.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“At least black people knew when they were slaves. You remain clueless.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know the funny thing about child pornography: [...] the lack of credits at the end. No ego on that side of Hollywood, is there? "Who did the editing on this film, it's seamless! I want to use him on my independent documentary!" But no names. Not even a nom de plume. Some people are in it just for the art.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Put your fucking camera away, you stupid fucking tourist of life! There's a whole generation of shitheads just filming every fucking thing they do. "I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go, "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white. I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard — and you want me to have hope for these fuckin' monkeys on swing-sets?”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage. Stop carrying it. Move forward.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I love homosexuality, I promote it, you fuck and you don't leave fuckin' garbage on the earth because of it.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you're offended by any word, in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You wanna feel bad for someone in a down-turned economy, I'll give you someone...prostitutes. Because a prostitute doesn't have that same "worst case scenario" B-plan that we all enjoy. No matter how shitty things are going for you on the job, "Danny, if they lay off anymore people, I'm gonna be out on the streets sucking dick for a living. I got nothin' else. I'm serious." Hooker doesn't have that same safety net. Hooker's already out there, sucking dicks.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[on Keynesian economic theory as applied to private sector independent contracting] "Ask Milton Friedman's dead Jew corpse what he thinks about the current economic crisis, and he will tell you... You better strengthen up your shit-pussy, baby!”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“As an openly gay comedian, I feel a responsibility to talk about a lot of issues that-- What? Are you gonna test me? You don't know if I'm lying. I can be as gay as I want to be up here, fuck you. What, are you going to strap me to a chair and blow loads in my face to see if I'm fibbing when I say I love it?”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Every fucking week there's some celebrity or comic or an athlete that has to apologize for a caught on tape comment, or insensitive joke, a drunk tweet. And they have a press conference, and it's always something that's way weaker than the shit I say every night-- as a segue I say worse shit, nobody ever asks me to apologize. I wouldn't, but I wanna be asked one time. I've got way better shit than they do, I demand outrage for God's sakes, what do I have to do? I could've told that joke at the Simon Wiesenthal Museum of Tolerance and people would go, "Huh? What'd he say? I wasn't listening.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The word addiction is used far too liberally in our society and I shy away from it. If I have any addiction, it would be nicotine. I would say alcohol is more of a compulsive habit for me. I have used different narcotics for roughly 20 years and I have always used them socially, sporadically and usually sparingly. I use cocaine occasionally and sometimes medicinally - before a third show Saturday, a bump of coke can make the difference between a strong performance and just phoning it in - and I've never developed any type of habit, never craved it the next day. I will use hallucinogens a few times a year as well, always in a safe environment. So far as an "early grave," I'm more concerned with quality of life. No sense in having a mint condition classic car if you're afraid to take it out of the garage. I look as sadly at people awash in hand-sanitizer and surgical masks in elevators as they might see me when I'm pouring booze down my head on stage.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On his drug use. Doug Stanhope interview, MarkPrindle.com, 2007
“2013 Moore Oklahoma Tornado. "If you think that didn't take balls, you've never been to Oklahoma. Saying 'I'm an atheist' in Oklahoma is like screaming jihad at airport security. That took some nuts. If you watch the footage, all the other victims are on the news thanking Jesus for only killing their neighbors and not them, while a crawler is on the screen telling me where I can text money to help them out. Fuck them. I don’t want Jesus getting credit for my 50 dollars. I’ll help that other girl out, that CNN's exploiting. Hell yes! She ain’t got no Jeebus. She gonna need money. So I did. I started an indiegogo fundraiser account and atheists ended up ponying up over 126,000 dollars just for little old her...and I couldn't get the smile off of my face for a week. I didn't do it because I felt sympathy because she got all her shit destroyed by a tornado. I did it simply to be a prick to her okie Christian neighbors, hoping that they were still eatin off of FEMA trucks when someone drove up and presented Rebecca with a giant cardboard check. It's funny how hate can make you do real nice things every now and then.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[on his ex-wife's abortion] Has anyone had an abortion? You're all rapt with attention now, all of a sudden, so I assume you all have. It's a fucking horrible thing to go through. And not horrible in that "Oh, it's a living thing, what are we doing?" Fuck the living thing. A genital wart is a living thing. If it's gonna irritate you for life, burn it off, right? Bladder cancer is alive and growing like a baby in you. If you try to remove that, I'll protest you and say "stop playing god." … Before you actually go and get all quiet and pissy like I'm some asshole about this, keep in mind I'm just telling you the parts that I think are funny. You don't know the reason we had... The reason we had an abortion was... It wasn't because... It wasn't frivolous. We didn't have an abortion because we weren't ready to take care of a child, we were irresponsible, or because we're not financially capable of taking... The reason we had it is 'cause I really wanted to see what it felt like to kill a baby.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish.... then he's gotta get a fishing license, but he doesn't have any money. So he's got to get a job and get into the social security system and pay taxes, and now you're gonna audit the poor cocksucker, 'cause he's not really good with math. So he'll pull the IRS van up to your house, and he'll take all your shit. He'll take your black velvet Elvis and your Batman toothbrush, and your penis pump, and that all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you because you forgot to carry the one, 'cause you were just worried about eating a fucking fish, and you couldn't even cook the fish 'cause you needed a permit for an open flame. Then the health department is going to start asking you a lot of questions about, "where are you going to dump the scales and the guts?" "This is not a sanitary environment," and ladies and gentlemen, if you get sick of it all at the end of the day... not even legal to kill yourself in this country. Thanks again, John Ashcroft, you weird bible addict, can't even handle your own drug. You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it. [audience member]: Hey, don't hold back! [Doug]: You got an argument? [a.m.] No, keep goin'! … The only true freedom you find, is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked, and then you are free to float around the system.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“New York is baffling in that it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shithole. It's like, there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy. "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend eight thousand dollars a month for nine square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you fucking live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — 'cause it's the last fucking place I wanna be.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Pussy really is the main motivating factor in all of humankind. It really is. It's what gets shit built. [reacting to applause from the audience]: I'm not "yeah" for pussy. This is a flaw in the system, don't clap for it! [I'm] saying, they know that is a catalyst, and that's why religion and government have to control supply and demand of pussy. And they do that by heaping shame upon you should you want to give away more than the "federally allocated recommended daily allowance of pussy". "Oh, she wants to suck more than one dick?! Whore! Shun your natural instinct, whore, or nothing'll get built!" — It comes down to production, it really does. They have to keep that pussy like a dangling carrot, something that's hard to get so he keeps running on the treadmill, building more shit, sending out more boxes to the dollar store, pointless shit that no one needs. That's why cocaine is illegal: it makes pussy too easy to get.”
Doug Stanhope (born 1967) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source