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David Sedaris
88 quotes
“While talking, Mrs Dunston rummaged through her tremendous purse. Her wallet was eventually located, but then it seemed that the register was locked, so the best solution was to put the coffees on her bill. That's how I discovered her name and her room number: 302. My only question then was what time I should arrange her wake-up call for. Let's see how chatty you feel at four a.m., I thought.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It doesn't take many people to muck up a roadside. A devoted handful can do the trick. One of the things I find repeatedly is a plastic Diet Coke bottle containing a meticulously folded Mars bar wrapper. I imagine this is someone's after-work snack and that by putting the wrapper inside the empty bottle, the person feels he's done his bit. And though he has turned two pieces of trash into one, until he learns to keep it in his car, I don't think he's entitled to pat himself on the back.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's not lost on me that I'm so busy recording life, I don't have time to really live it.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Another old-fashioned practice I maintain is carrying a notebook, a small one I keep in my shirt pocket and never leave the house without. In it I register all the little things that strike me, not in great detail but just quickly. The following morning I'll review what I jotted down and look for the most meaningful moment in the previous day, the one in which I felt truly present. It's worth mentioning that this is my edit. It wasn't easy revisiting what are now 156 volumes of my diary.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 2017 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Introduction". p.6, 7 [Page numbers per the 2017 Little, Brown hardback UK edition.]
“If you talk to people, you can have whatever you want.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1978 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 26.09.1978 - p.21
“It's fun to see where people live.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1979 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 20.01.1979 - p.29
“Dad on friendship: "Sure, some people are nice. Real nice. Nice like carpets so you can walk all over them.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1979 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 16.04.1979 - p.31
“Later I went to the design school and saw Kumar and Melamid, the Soviet dissident artists, who are funny. I sold them my soul for $1.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1981 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 26.02.1981 - p.52
“After coming home, I listened to the radio and cleaned up a little. A woman on All Things Considered wrote a book of advice called If You Want to Write and mentioned the importance of keeping a diary. It was valuable, she said, because after a while you'd stop being forced and pretentious and become honest and unafraid of your thoughts.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1983 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 01.07.1983 - p.94
“Amy, Tiffany and I sat in the kitchen and talked until three thirty this morning. One of the things we laughed about was an old episode of The Newlywed Game. The host asked the wives, "What's the most exotic place you've ever made love?" He was likely expecting "The kitchen" or "On a tennis court at night," but one woman didn't quite understand the question and answered, "In the butt.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1984 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 28.12.1984 - p.119
“Delinquent style is timeless. Real trouble doesn't walk around with a ponytail. It doesn't have a Mohawk or special shoelace patterns. Real trouble has a bad complexion and a Windbreaker.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1986 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 08.12.1986 - p.153
“Adrienne started teaching a few months ago in Denver and wrote that it leaves you with a constant feeling of deceiving people. That you know nothing they don't, or couldn't learn on their own if they cared to.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1988 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 10.06.1988 - p.181
“Something has changed, and now, when I look at my students, I see only people who are going to eat up my time.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1989 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 17.01.1989 - p.201
“Dad doesn't pay attention when you talk to him, so Paul's taken to throwing the term IRS into his sentences. Then it's suddenly: "Hold on a second, what did you say?”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1990 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 25.09.1990 - p.242
“Walking down 8th Avenue, I fell in behind two muscled gym queens. When a car alarm went off, one of them turned to the other, saying, "That's the Puerto Rican national anthem." "Really?" the other guy said. "That's actually their anthem?”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1992 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 04.09.1992 - p.291
“Someone stopped Mitch on the street last night and said, "I need another seventy-five cents so I can buy a cheeseburger. How about helping me?" Mitch said, "Get it without the cheese," and continued walking.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1995 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 07.07.1995 - p.317
“I'm finding it progressively more difficult to have my picture taken, especially now, when there always has to be a gimmick. The idea is that you have to be humiliated in order for your personality to shine through. You need to hang from the ceiling by a hook or crawl on your hands and knees through a puddle of something.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1997 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 04.02.1997 - p.329
“The inevitable finally happened, just as I knew it would.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1999 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 06.04.1999 - p.387
“Harry Rowohlt, the fellow who translated my book into German and is reading with me on my tour, told me that when someone on the bus or at a nearby table in a restaurant talks on a cell phone, he likes to lean over and shout, "Come back to bed, I'm freezing.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 1999 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 18.05.1999 - p.391
“In 1976 Dawn Erickson taught me that, in order to ensure good luck, you're supposed to say, "Rabbit, rabbit," on the first day of every month. It has to be the very first thing that comes out of your mouth and you have to say it out loud or else it doesn't work. I'd never been particularly superstitious, but ever since she told me, I've made it a point to follow her example.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 2000 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 08.05.2000 - p.412
“On several occasions during my visit, she referred to herself as poor, and that depressed me. Most people would say they're broke. That word suggests a temporary setback. Poor, on the other hand, conveys a permanence.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 2000 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 09.11.2000 - p.431
“In first class, you count on your fellow passengers to make you feel good about yourself. You're supposed to look around with pride, telling yourself that these are your kind of people.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 2001 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 21.07.2001 - p.445
“Someone in the back of the room started singing "God Bless America." The thing about "God Bless America" is that, after a certain point, nobody really knows the words. There's always a weird mumbling that follows "Stand beside her and guide her," and lasts until "From the mountains to the prairies.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 2001 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 12.09.2001 - p.455
“Honestly, though, does choice ever come into it? Is it my fault that the good times fade to nothing while the bad ones burn forever bright? Memory aside, the negative just makes for a better story: the plane was delayed, an infection set in, outlaws arrived and reduced the schoolhouse to ashes. Happiness is harder to put into words. It's also harder to source, much more mysterious than anger or sorrow, which come to me promptly, whenever I summon them, and remain long after I've begged them to leave.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 2018 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Essay, "Leviathan." p.90 [page numbers per the Abacus paperback edition 2018]
“After the desk clerk hands you your key, the bellman will grab your suitcase and ask, "So where are you coming in from today?" Like everyone else at the hotel, he doesn't really listen to your answer. His words are just a hook to hang a tip on. You could say you're from a town ten miles down the road or from another dimension. Either way, you get the same response: "You're a long way from home, aren't you?”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The following morning you'll wander to the hotel breakfast room and tell the hostess that there is only one in your party. She'll pick up a menu and lead you to your table, asking, "And how is your day going so far?" "You mean the last twelve minutes?" you'll ask. "OK, I guess." And she'll say, "Awesome.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Should you wander into a shop during your visit to the United States, you can expect a clerk to ask, "So what are we up to today?" "We," as if the two of you had made plans you forgot about. "Oh," I usually say, already sorry I walked in, "I'm just looking around." "Awesome." If you purchase something, you'll be asked at the register what you're going to do with the rest of your afternoon. "Umm, I don't know. Buy more shit?”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Stay safe," a Starbucks employee said to me one morning. I was in a hurry to get to my gate, so didn't stop to ask, "Safe from what?”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Whenever I see a young woman boarding a plane in her pyjamas, or a guy in a T-shirt that reads your hole is my goal, I always wonder what Mom would think.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Over Christmas we looked through boxes of family pictures and played a game we call 'Find Mom, find Mom's cigarettes.' There's one in every picture. We've got photos of her pregnant, leaning toward a lit match, and others of her posing with her newborn babies, the smoke forming a halo above our heads. These pictures gave us a warm feeling. She smoked in the bathtub, where we'd find her drowned butts lined up in a neat row beside the shampoo bottle. She smoked through meals, and often used her half-empty plate as an ashtray. Mom's theory was that if you cooked the meal and did the dishes, you were allowed to use your plate however you liked.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I Photo Elfed all day for a variety of Santas and it struck me that many of the parents don't allow their children to speak at all. A child sits upon Santa's lap and the parents say, 'All right now, Amber, tell Santa what you want. Tell him you want a Baby Alive and My Pretty Ballerina and that winter coat you saw in the catalog.' The parents name the gifts they have already bought. They don't want to hear the word 'pony' or 'television set,' so they talk through the entire visit, placing words in the child's mouth. When the child hops off the lap, the parents address their children, each and every time, with, 'What do you say to Santa?' The child says, 'Thank you, Santa.' It is sad because you would like to believe that everyone is unique and then they disappoint you every time by being exactly the same, asking for the same things, reciting the exact same lines as though they have been handed a script. All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to the fingerprints.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You kids think you invented sex," my mother was fond of saying. But hadn't we? With no instruction manual or federally enforced training period, didn't we all come away feeling we'd discovered something unspeakably modern? What produced in others a feeling of exhilaration left Jason and me with a mortifying sense of guilt. We fled the room as if, in our fumblings, we had uncapped some virus we still might escape if we ran fast enough. Had one of the counselors not caught me scaling the fence, I felt certain I could have made it back to Raleigh by morning, skittering across the surface of the ocean like one of those lizards often featured on television wildlife programs.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Essay: "I like guys". (p.106-107) [Page numbers per the 2006 Abacus paperback edition.]
“For the first twenty years of my life I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even make it to bed. I'd squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I'm now told that this is not called "going to sleep" but rather "passing out," a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My mother and I were at the dry cleaner's, standing behind a woman we had never seen. "My sister and I are visiting from out of town," the woman said, a little louder now, and again the man nodded. "I'd love to stay awhile longer and explore, but my home—well, one of my homes—is on the garden tour, so I've got to get back to Williamsburg." "My home—well, one of my homes": by the end of the day my mother and I had repeated this line no less than fifty times. You had to get it just right, or else the sentence lost its power. The first dozen times we tried it, our voices sounded pinched and snobbish, but by midafternoon they had softened. "My home—well, one of my homes . . ." My mother said it in a rush, as if she were under pressure to be more specific.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My sister Lisa had an apartment over by the university and said that I could come stay with her as long as I didn't bring my Joni Mitchell record. My mother offered to drive me over, and after a few bong hits I took her up on it. It was a fifteen-minute trip across town, and on the way we listened to the rebroadcast of a radio call-in show in which people phoned the host to describe the various birds gathered around their backyard feeders. Normally the show came on in the morning, and it seemed strange to listen to it at night. The birds in question had gone to bed hours ago and probably had no idea they were still being talked about.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Talk like this [i.e. by companions at a diner] can go on for hours, and while you do have to accept it, you don't have to actually pay attention. I stared straight ahead, watching a broken-nosed cook top a hamburger with cheese, and then I turned slightly to my left and began listening to the two men seated on the other side of me. There was about them the weariness of people who could not afford to retire and would keep on toiling, horselike, until they dropped. The man beside me wore a T-shirt endorsing the state of Florida, and as if the weather were completely different on the other side of the ketchup bottle, the man beside him wore a thick wool sweater and heavy corduroy pants. "Did you read about those worms?" he asked. He was referring to the can of nematodes—tiny worms—recently discovered on the Texas plains. They'd been sent up with the doomed space shuttle and had somehow managed to survive the explosion. While I'd been listening to my neighbors, Anne had ordered me a slice of pie, and as I picked up my fork she told me that I was supposed to eat it backward, starting with the outer crust and working my way inward. "Your last bite should be the point, and you're supposed to make a wish on it," she said. "Hasn't anyone ever told you that?" As Anne and Hugh resumed their conversation, I thought of all the pie I had eaten during the course of my life, and wondered how different things might be if only I had wished upon the points.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“On Wednesday my watch broke, so yesterday I went across the street to the saddest mall in America. Half the stores were shuttered up and the fountain had been drained. The food court was gone except for a place called Granny's Fudgery, a wooden cart surrounded by card tables. I imagine the mall started going downhill when it accepted Walmart as a tenant. Anything you could find at Bill's Card Shop and the Record Bin could also be found there, where a customer could pay less and buy everything in one shot. I'd been to only one Walmart in my life before this and I was shocked at how ugly it was, even by American standards. It was a mammoth jumble of absolute shit made more chaotic by brightly colored signs and promotional displays. Yesterday's Walmart was even worse than the first, but the employees were incredibly friendly.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) first seen 2000 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 20.10.2000 - p.428
“Increasingly at Southern airports, instead of a "good-bye" or "thank-you," cashiers are apt to say, "Have a blessed day." This can make you feel like you've been sprayed against your will with God cologne. "Get off me!" I always want to scream. "Quick, before I start wearing ties with short-sleeved shirts!" As a business traveller, you'll likely be met at your destination by someone who asks, "So, how was your flight?" This, as if there are interesting variations and you might answer, "The live orchestra was a nice touch," or "The first half was great, but then they let a baby take over the controls and it got all bumpy." In fact, there are only two kinds of flights: ones in which you die and ones in which you do not.”
David Sedaris (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source