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Dave Barry
140 quotes
“You may have gone to college and learned how to solve all of society's problems, but when you get out in the real world, nobody ever asks you to how to solve all of society's problems. In the real world, what people ask you are questions like: "Can you make coffee?" and "Where's the rent money?”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The waterbed trend was similar to the fulfillment movement, in the sense that you paid for something that was supposed to bring you happiness, but you wound up with something less fulfilling, in this case motion sickness and water damage.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: "There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But when it came to eloquence, George [H. W.] Bush was Winston Churchill compared with his vice president, the legendary J. Danforth Quayle. You never knew what Dan was going to say next, and the wonderful thing was, Dan clearly didn't know either. He'd be asked a question, and he'd start talking, and you could see in his eyes that he was thinking, Ohmigod I'm talking and I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW!”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A lot of people were very upset, especially people in Palm Beach County, who were saying that they had accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan, which was clearly a mistake. Even Pat Buchanan admitted this.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Gary] Hart was clearly the most attractive candidate, the only one with even a remote chance of beating Ronald Reagan, so naturally the Democrats selected: Walter Mondale. When Mondale accepted the nomination, he wooed the voter by informing them...that if they elected him as president, his first move would be to jack up their income taxes. Walter you sweet talker!”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be "colonial".”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In sports, Vijay Singh wins the Masters golf tournament and is awarded the coveted green jacket, which is quickly snatched away by angry Buick executives and given to Tiger Woods.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In sports, the U.S. Open is not actually held because it's more efficient just to mail the check to Tiger Woods.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and locked inside a trunk, which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA Championship.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This book is dedicated to everybody who buys this book. Without you, I would have to get an actual job.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If Man A asks Man B for directions, Man B, realizing that Man A is a weak, direction-asking type of male who probably also reads owner's manuals, could decide to attack Man A's village and plunder his women. Man A is not about to run that type of risk.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There were automobiles, but they lacked many of the features that automobiles have today, such as a working motor. In the Barry household, we had a series of cars named (these were all real Barry cars) the "Rambler," the "Minx," the "Metropolitan," and the "Valiant." You could rely on these cars- rain or shine, hot or cold- to not start. The "Metropolitan," in particular, was no more capable of internal combustion than of producing a litter of puppies.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Sharks are hardy creatures, but they do not thrive on public transportation.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The American newspaper industry is in serious trouble. How serious? Consider: In 1971, when I was hired for my first newspaper job, there were 62 million newspaper subscribers in the United States; today, there are twelve, an estimated five of whom are dead and therefore unlikely to renew.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Here's the problem: A lot of parents are insane. You may be one of these parents without knowing it, because the craziness takes over you gradually.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I think that parents- not all of them, but a lot of them- are sucking the fun out of kids' sports. They're making it clear to their kids that they think sports is about winning, and only winning. This is a reasonable value to instill if you honestly believe your child is going to become a professional athlete. But you need to remember two things: 1. Your child is not, in fact, going to become a professional athlete. 2. There are more important things in life than winning. Such as not being a jerk.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Your kids don't need you shouting at them on the playing field, any more than they need you shouting at them in the classroom. Let them play the game and figure out for themselves how they feel about it, without having to worry about your feelings, too. Make it clear that your happiness doesn't depend on the score. Cheer for your kid, sure, but do it cheerfully. If you can't manage that, take a walk; the game will go on fine without you, because it's not about you.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“• More than 1,000 people move to Florida every day.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“• Roughly eight of these people understand the purpose of the turn signal.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“• Florida’s government is divided into three branches: the executive, the judicial and the criminal.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“• Under Florida’s “stand your ground” law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“To begin with, sponges are not plants. They are multicelled animals, although they have no mouth, internal organs, brains or nervous systems. They cannot move, but they can reproduce, eat, grow and obtain Florida driver’s licenses. I’m kidding about that last one, sort of.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Suddenly, I noticed something: my wallet and keys are exactly where I left them. So either the spirits decided not to move them or—we cannot rule this out – they moved them and then moved them back.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There comes a time in a man’s life when a man must man up and be a man by summoning up his manhood and doing something manly.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I am a huge fan of females as a gender, but they tend to display baffling lack of enthusiasm for violent destruction. Show me a group of individuals who are spending a Sunday afternoon entertaining themselves by using explosives to blow up, say, major appliances, and I will show you a group of males.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“He is a tall, trim, sinewy man with a full beard, a deep voice and a handshake that would crush a coconut. He could be a testosterone donor.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This genre of music is called Electronic Dance Music, or sometimes Club Music, or sometimes just Loud Unimaginative Absurdly Repetitious Boring Music, because—follow me closely here—it sucks. That is only my opinion, of course; taste in music is subjective. It is possible that you like Electronic Dance Music, in which case you are wrong because it sucks.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Key West, the end of the road, the most flamboyant, decadent, debauched and pungent place in the Florida. Key West is Florida’s Florida—the place way down at the bottom where the weirdest of the weird end up; the place where the abnormal is normal.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“On any given night, Key West’s main party drag, lower Duval Street, makes Bourbon Street look like Sesame Street.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In case you’re wondering how the local political establishment feels about a strip club operating in the middle of the main tourist area, here’s a fact you may find helpful: The owner of the Red Garter is Mick Rossi, who is a Key West city commissioner.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The main reason why Deeber's car ignition had never been wired to a bomb is that reporters have poor do-it-yourself skills. (Chapter 1)”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“As it happens, the Herk household did have a dog, named Roger. Roger was the random result of generations of hasty, unplanned dog sex: Among other characteristics, he had the low-slung body of a beagle, the pointy ears of a German shepherd, the enthusiasm of a Labrador retriever, the stubby tail of a boxer, and the intelligence of celery. (Chapter 2)”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Inside the family room, Arthur Herk was methodically, relentlessly changing channels. He was doing this partly because the instinct to change channels is embedded deep in the male genetic code, and partly because he knew his wife and stepdaughter hated it. (Chapter 2)”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Arthur, compelled by masculine instinct, leaned over and frowned at the contents of the case, exactly the way countless males have frowned at household appliances, plumbing, car engines, and all manner of other mechanical objects that they did not begin to understand. (Chapter 5)”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“After the door closed behind them, there was a moment of silence in the Jolly Jackal. Finally, John, sitting on the floor next to the briefcase containing ten thousand dollars in cash, said to Leo, Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu? This translates roughly to: "How the hell did these people win the Cold War?" (Chapter 6)”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Monica was glad Walter was married, so she didn't have to go into any of the other reasons she didn't want to get involved with him, such as the fact that he had the intellectual depth of mayonnaise. (Chapter 7)”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It was the standard airport-security operation, which meant it appeared to have been designed to hassle law-abiding passengers just enough to reassure them, while at the same time providing virtually no protection against criminals with an IQ higher than celery. (Chapter 11)”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Despite countless hours of practice, dozens of auditions, many artistic disputes, seven demo CDs, and two radical changes in hairstyle, Arrival never arrived. It wasn't that they were bad; it was just that, as they reluctantly came to understand, they really weren't anything special. They were competent. The problem was, there were competent bands everywhere. Competence wasn't the key to stardom; you needed something else. Whatever it was, Arrival didn't have it. (Chapter 3)”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The remote control had 48 buttons. No resident of the Old Farts Senile Dying Center knew how to operate it. They were the Greatest Generation, men and women who had survived the Depression, defeated the Nazis, built America into the greatest nation the world had ever seen. But this damned gizmo had beaten them. (Chapter 4)”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So for a while there, Eddie was one happy ship's officer. But like most men whose brains are in their dicks, he was not really thinking things through. (Chapter 5)”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Once, when the bar was slow, he told her about things he'd found in his clients' pools. Alligators, for example; he'd encountered at least a dozen. Also the occasional snake. Hundreds of frogs. These were to be expected in South Florida, which as far as the native wildlife was concerned was still a swamp, no matter how many houses got built on it. (Chapter 7)”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So Erik was an asshole. But he was also—not that this was contradictory—a highly successful lawyer.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It’s complicated.” Jesse made a face. “Why do lawyers always say that?” Erik laughed. “Because it’s almost always true.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But that’s not fair!” Erik smiled. “Jess, we’re talking about the law here. Fairness has nothing to do with it.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But why? I mean, no offense, but this whole thing—the monster, the video you made—it’s stupid. And it’s obviously fake. Everybody can see it’s stupid and fake.” Ken shrugged. “So?” Brad gestured at the parking lot. “So why are all these people here?” “Because everybody else is here.” “But it’s bullshit.” “Yeah, but it’s their bullshit. To these kids everything is bullshit, but at least this is bullshit they can be part of.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source