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Dave Barry
140 quotes
“The problem is, when Oprah lost all that weight, her head didn't get any smaller. And so she looks kind of like a person carrying a balloon.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 1990 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Playboy interview, May 1990
“The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and time again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 1990 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Today's Topic Is About . . . Uh . . . It'll Come To US In A Minute” The Seattle Times, (May 24, 1990)
“The transportation bill had over $5 billion worth of special local projects and favors attached to it, lamprey-like, by various congresspersons. But this is good, because these projects will CREATE JOBS. See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 1992 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Column for week of February 29, 1992
“I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 1992 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Source: New York Times News Service article on reactions to the death of Superman, November 1992)
“As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 1996 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Column, The Miami Herald, 21 January 1996
“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 1997 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Funny Side of 'Beowulf'", The Miami Herald, November 2, 1997.
“What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a "modem" can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 1999 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Column for August 22, 1999
“I say we scrap the current [Social Security] system and replace it with a system wherein you add your name to the bottom of a list, and the you send some money to the person at the top of the list, and then you . . . Oh, wait that IS our current system.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 2000 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Elections could come down to who kisses most orifice," Miami Herald (September 24, 2000)
“Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 2003 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Miami Herald, originally 16 November 2003
“But this should serve as a reminder to brides of the importance of discouraging reception guests from discharging their firearms unless they have a good reason, such as the band vocalist attempting to perform "I Will Always Love You" in the official Whitney Houston Diarrhea of the Vowels version ("And IIIIIIeeeeeIIIIIIIII, will alwaaaaays love yoooooeeeeeeeooooooouuuuueeeeeeeeeoooooo" BANG)”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Miami Herald, 2 April 2004
“We must always remember that, as Americans, we all have a common enemy -- an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Washington Post December 19, 2004 (Second Source: A video of Dave Barry reacting to a university response to this quote)
“A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 1986 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Originally published in "Encyclopedia Tropicana: A Reference Book for the Modern World, Volume 1" by Joel Achenbach, The Miami Herald, May 4, 1986; quoted by Bryan Curtis, "Dave Barry: Elegy for the humorist," Slate, Ja…
“I'm sure that this year we'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 2005 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Believe me, you'll pay for this” Tampa Bay Times (Oct. 16, 2005)
“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Quoted in: Kabir, Hajara Muhammad (2010). Northern women development. [Nigeria]. ISBN 978-978-906-469-4. OCLC 890820657
“The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named. This policy, which is still in effect today, states that:”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“# Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this hemisphere.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“# But we are.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So there's no question about it: by the mid-fifties, America was definitely in a Golden Era, an era of excitement and opportunity for all citizens, regardless of race or creed or color, unless the person happened to be black. Then there was a problem.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Thus was born the civil rights movement, an epic struggle that has required much sacrifice and pain, but which has enabled the United States to progress, in just three decades, from being a nation where blacks were forced to ride in the back of the bus, to being a nation where, due to federal cutbacks, there is no bus.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In 1980 the Democrats were pretty much stuck with Jimmy Carter and Walter Mondale, who ran under the slogan "Four More Years?" The Republicans, meanwhile, had a spirited primary campaign season, which came down to a duel between Reagan and George Herbert Walker Norris Wainright Armoire Vestibule Pomegranate Bush IV, who had achieved a distinguished record of public service despite having a voice that sounded like he had just inhaled an entire blimp-load of helium.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You get the idea. The main thing is, don't be discreet. We Boomers have never been a discreet generation, and I see no reason why we should fade quietly away just because we're getting old. Let's not go out with a whimper. Let's go out proudly whapping the umbrella of defiance on the taxicab hood of time. Let's remember the words of that rock song from the sixties, the anthem of our entire generation, the unforgettable song that spoke for all of us when it said... when it said... ummm... Jeez, how the hell did that song go?”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there's a part of us that wants - that needs - to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new traveler's checks, buy new souvenirs, order new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for "transfusion," and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to french-kiss our doormats when we finally get home.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn't know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What Dad means by "see" of course, is "drive past at 67 miles per hour." Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true "vacation paradise," offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But Nebraska was not always a bed of roses. When the first settlers arrived, they found a harsh, unforgiving place, a vast treeless expanse of barren, drought-parched soil. And so, summoning up the dynamic pioneer spirit of hope and steely determination, they left. But a few of them remained and built sod houses, which are actually made of dirt. Think about that. You can't clean a sod house, because it would be gone. The early settlers had a hell of a time getting this through to their children. "You kids stop tracking dirt out of the house!" they'd yell.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Vermont: See New Hampshire”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Denmark (also called "Norway") is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“First of all, let's dispense with this absurd stereotype that the French are rude. The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Ha ha! We are just poking a little friendly fun at Germany, which is famous for enjoying a good joke, or as the Germans say, "Sprechnehaltenzoltenfussenmachschnitzerkalbenrollen." Here is just one hilarious example of what we are talking about: First German: "How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Second German: "I don't know! How many?" First German: "Let's invade Poland and find out!" Millions of Other Germans: "Okay!”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My most important finding, however, does not involve the differences between us and Japan; it involves the similarities. Because despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people everywhere- when you strip away their superficial differences- are crazy.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The way I attempted to learn Japanese was by reading a book called Japanese at a Glance in the plane from San Francisco to Tokyo. This is not the method recommended by experts. The method recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“No, subtlety and protocol are not the strong suit of Americans, which is one reason why the Japanese tend to view us as large, loud water buffalo, lumbering around without a clue, tromping and pooping all over their carefully arranged, exquisitely tended garden of a society. I certainly felt like a water buffalo when I got off the plane at Narita Airport, mumbling my one word of Japanese, taking my long vowels seriously, and weighing approximately four hundred pounds more than when I got on.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We need our highest judicial body to stop this childish bickering and get back to debating the kinds of weighty constitutional issues that have absorbed the court in recent years, such as whether a city can legally force an exotic dancer to cover her entire nipple, or just the part that pokes out.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I think everybody should go to Bimini from time to time. I think President Bush and whoever is governing the Soviet Union this afternoon should meet there. They would definitely have a more relaxed kind of summit. ALICE TOWN, BAHAMAS- In a surprise development, the leaders of the two superpowers announced today that they have learned all the words, in English AND Russian, to "Conch Ain't Got No Bone." Maybe you should go to Bimini, too. Maybe I'll even see you there, and we can wave to each other, if we're not feeling too lethargic. Please address me as "Bonefish Dave.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The first human beings didn't need computers, because they had no numbers. This was a big problem for parents, because they had no way to control their children ("You kids stop that! I mean it! I'm going to count to... um... to... YOU KIDS STOP THAT!")”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It was the ancient Egyptians who first figured out that numbers could, if you added and subtracted them, be used to form mathematics; this made it possible, for the first time, to build the pyramids as well as keep score in bowling.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm Really Serious. Do Not Turn the Page. You Will Regret It.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If someone is nice to you but rude to the waiter, they are not a nice person.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“On the business front, by 1955 the United States was being flooded with cheap, shoddy products from Japan. We of course laughed at these products and at the Japanese; we could not imagine in our wildest dreams that they would one day stomp on our consumer-electronics industry the way Godzilla stomped on Tokyo. If somebody had told us that the Japanese would eventually try to sell us cars, we would have laughed and laughed, and then we would have gone back to trying to start our flooded Nash Ramblers.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Americans loved Disneyland, because it gave them something good, something decent, something that epitomized a quality that vacationing American families value above all else: clean toilets.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Dad was busy earning money so that the family could purchase the new Buick, which boasted 44 pounds of chromed trim. The Russians may have had working space satellites, but they had nothing like that.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If I had to pick one year to represent the Fifties, I'd pick 1958. For one thing, it was the year that the folks at Wham-O, always looking for new ways to raise the level of American culture, gave us the Hula Hoop. This was a bright-colored plastic hoop that you spun around your hips using a hula-type motion. I realize that this sounds stupid, but you must trust me when I tell you, as one who participated extensively in this fad, that it really was stupid. In terms of intellectual content, the Hula Hoop made the Frisbee look like international championship chess.”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Do you remember that little vent that cars used to have on the front windows, so on coolish days you could let a little fresh air in without causing a big draft? WHO THE HELL TOOK THAT LITTLE VENT AWAY?”
Dave Barry (born 1947) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source