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Craig Ferguson
85 quotes
“Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On the creation of St. Valentine's Day. (14 February 2010)
“I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) first seen 2011 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 25 Feb 2011
“Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) first seen 2011 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 31 May 2011
“In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [audience laughs] "With my hand!”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“He's quiet as well, especially if you stalk him.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! If these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home!”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Get well soon, Castro. [pause] Actually, no, don't; die, you bastard!”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing [sic] me.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first! First, first, first! First! Democracy, FIRST!”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) first seen 2008 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: in response to John McCain's suggestion to suspend the 2008 presidential campaign because of the financial crisis.
“I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[to Rupert Grint] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Don't do that... By the way, this is not Oprah furniture; you jump on this, and it will be firewood... Oprah's got the real thing, this stuff...this is about as real as that [points to cityscape backdrop] right there.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Clive Barker: It's an excuse to look at my groin. Craig Ferguson: I'm European - I don't need an excuse.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Craig Ferguson: Do you do therapy? Hugh Laurie: I see a gentleman once a week. Craig Ferguson: I love it, I'm a great convert. Hugh Laurie: Therapy? Craig Ferguson: No, just seeing a gentleman once a week.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I view my own body as a Donalds hiccups I am the main attraction... And the only customer.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[reading an email] "Dear Craig, … are your letters written by your writers?" No. "Does this make me one of your writers?" (ponders) Yes. "Why haven't I been paid?" Because you're one of my writers!”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) first seen 2009 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 2009-04-03 broadcast
“[to camera] Excuse me for just a second. [walks off-camera, to studio audience] Shut up!”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) first seen 2009 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 2009-05-15 broadcast
“[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) first seen 2009 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 2009-07-24 broadcast
“Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) first seen 2011 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 2011-08-05 broadcast
“[The Secretariat horse character reveals his true identity, and it happens to be Bob Newhart.]”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[When beginning the cold open with another person] Please state your name for the camera.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I can't live by your rules, man!”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[After the doorbell rings, right before Secretariat appears] Who's that at the door?!”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's a great day for America, everybody.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Remind you of anyone?”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[referring to himself] Where's the Scottish Conan guy?”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Sounds like a party at Elton John's house.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's a JOKE!”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters...”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[in reference to a two-word comment from a guest] ...I used to dance under that name.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's okay, I'm European [referring to a preceding sexually ambiguous comment].”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“...or is it?”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“...best night of my life.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know who doesn't like _____? Al-Qaeda!”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[referring to a suggestive comment aimed at the audience] You too, ladies.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[with a fist-shake] Take that, ____.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“By the way, there's a place on Hollywood Boulevard where you can get a _____ for twenty bucks.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“By the way, _____ was a name I used to dance under.”
Craig Ferguson (born 1962) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source