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Chris Rock
111 quotes
“Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“R. Kelly's got a lot of balls. Talking about "it ain't me." Got a damn sex tape out; "it ain't me." Motherfucker, we know what you look like. That's you, okay? There's a damn Soul Train award right next to the bed.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What is on Kobe's mind? Going to Colorado, around all these white people, and not bringing Johnnie Cochran? Well then they say, "well if you hire Johnnie Cochran, you're going to look guilty." Yeah, but you going home! You want to look innocent in jail? I'd rather look guilty at the mall.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's hard to defend "I've got hoes in different area codes". It's hard to defend "move, bitch, get out the way!" It's hard to break it down intellectually … "Well, as you can see, there's a bitch in his way, that he needs to move. Thus the term, "move, bitch, get out the way". You need to open your eyes so you can get the bitches out of your way!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know the only thing you can do to stop your man from cheating? The only thing you can do … is be there. Where? There! Wherever he's thinking about fucking, that's it. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose your ass. He's like, "Honey, look! A Sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with the gang. "I'm conservative", "I'm liberal", "I'm conservative". Bullshit! Be a fucking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I've got some shit I'm conservative about, I've got some shit I'm liberal about. Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“See... Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about HER! It's all about her!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, "FUCK YOU! Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans … fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this bitch happy.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But here's what they don't tell you. You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something. You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times, and she'll still complain. "Why did you make me come so hard? This diamond dick is cloudy, why didn't you go to Tiffany's? You're so fucking cheap.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What's in the tea?" "Water, bitch!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“God will send you a double date with the perfect couple. Have you ever made the mistake of going on a double date with the perfect couple? You're in the middle of your bullshit relationship and you actually sit down with two people that are actually in love. You can't even eat your food cause you can't believe what the fuck you are witnessing. You got a fork in your hand like, "Oh shit! He's really listening to what she's got to say! Wow! They really like being around each other! Man, we can't hang with them no more, they gonna break us up. Can't let these happy motherfuckers fuck up my life!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America … but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's trying keep the Feds off her back.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We can't have gay marriage 'cause marriage is sacred, it happens in the church. Marriage is sacred, it's sacred. No, it's not, not in America, not in a country that watches Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? and The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and Who Wants to Marry a Midget. Get the fuck outta here. Shit, Michael Jackson got married, how fucking sacred is that shit?”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, 'cause you know they're fucking. You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally. You might even see some clear heels!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Oh the abortion issue, it's a woman's issue. When a woman get pregnant, she don't want to hear shit from the man. Fuck you, motherfuck you, I don't need you. Unless she decides to have the baby and she's like, "Where my check?”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When a woman get pregnant, it's an issue between her and her girlfriends. When a woman get pregnant, her and her girlfriends form an abortion tribunal, and they vote on the child like it was Survivor. Then the first girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Child, you should have that baby, that man got some good hair, it's wavy, it's wavy." Then second girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Girl, why are we even talking about this? Ain't we supposed to go to Cancun next weekend? Get rid of that baby." And that's how life is decided in America.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Is it just me, or is he the greasiest nigga you ever seen in your life? Every time Jermaine comes on, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen! Can't see shit! Jermaine must have been on. Even the police can't catch his ass, 'cause every time they try, he just slips out! They be like, "Somebody throw some sand on that nigga! Please!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hey, man, fuck y'all! I ain't telling you motherfuckers shit! You motherfuckers can suck my dick! I don't know what the fuck you talking about! Let me get the fuck out of this motherfucker, 'cuz I got shit to do, bitch!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't give a fuck! So, what!? Motherfuck the tiger! I'd be shot in the tooth, motherfucker! I don't give a fuck about your bee-otches!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Who'd... you think I'd give a fuck!? I don't give a fuck about no motherfucking chainsaw! I got two black wives, motherfucker! Fuck y'all!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You mean to tell me that Jamaicans invented sugar, reggae and the best drug on Earth and the white man makes all the money!?”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You mean to tell me that Hawaiians came up with pineapples, resorts, hula hoops, Magnum P.I. and the best damn punch in the world and they don't get no money from it!?”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You mean to tell me that for the last sixty years, the white man's been traveling to outer space, murdering Martians, telling us there's no life up there, building casinos and resorts while he fucks some of the finest bitches in the galaxy, and niggas just want rims!?”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like "give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra...anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[on John McCain] I don't need a president with a bucket list!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[on John McCain being too old] When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[on John McCain being in a POW camp] I don't wanna vote for nobody who got captured, I wanna vote for the motherfucker that got away!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“George Bush is still in charge. And nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. You think you don't give a fuck? Bush don't give a fuck. Nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. If you was hangin' from a cliff, gettin' ready to fall to your death--that's right--and Bush was at the top of the cliff, and all you needed was a fuck to save your life, and Bush had a pocket full of fucks...he wouldn't give you one. "Hey, Bush, I need a fuck!" "Ohh, you know I don't give a fuck. Here's a fuck...psych!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Shit, last year the NAACP had a funeral for the word "nigger"! Well, tonight is Easter!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So the question is, can white people say "nigger"? And the answer's the same: "Not really." Oh there's some exceptions like, "Fuck me harder, nigger!" Lot of white women trying not to laugh in front of their husbands right now. "Honey I was in college! I had to see what it was about! He made me say it!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“On Desperate Housewives: I think they should change the name of that show from Desperate Housewives...to Ungrateful Bitches! You all are hoes bitch!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I try never to brag but I'm probably the only person who has been on 60 Minutes twice and isn't dead.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I love going to the Cellar and spanking the shit out of everybody. I love going there, at my age, and having an act that's better than the guys who are fifteen or twenty years younger than me. I'm like "This is my seventh special. What's your fucking excuse?”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You learn more from fucking up than you do from success, unfortunately. And failure, if you don't let it defeat you, is what fuels your future success.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You would think that cops would occasionally shoot a white kid, just to make it look good. You'd think every couple of months they'd look at their dead nigga calendar and go, "Oh my God, we're up to 16. We gotta shoot a white kid quick." "Uh, which one?" "The first one you see singing Cardi B." That's right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world with real equality. I want to live in a world where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month. An equal world. I want to see white mothers on TV crying. Standing next to Al Sharpton. Talking about, "We need justice for Chad. We need justice for Chad. He was just coming home from racquetball practice.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) first seen 2018 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Chris Rock: Tamborine (2018), NetFlix, @1:31-2:40
“There's a lot of racism going on. Who's more racist, black people or white people? Black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people. There's some shit going on with black people right now. It's like a civil war going on with black people. And there's two sides, there's black people and there's niggas. The niggas have got to go. Everytime a black person wanna have a good time, ignorant-ass niggas fuck it up. You can't have shit when you got niggas around, you can't have shit. You can't have no big screen TV! You can have it, but you better move it in at 3 in the morning. Paint it white, hope niggas think it's a bassinet. Can't have shit in your house! Why?! Because niggas will break into your house. Niggas will live next door to you break into your house, come over the next day and go, "I heard you got robbed." Nigga, you know you robbed me. You didn't see shit 'cause you was doing shit! You can't go see a movie opening day, you know why? 'Cause niggas is shooting at the screen! What kind of ignorant shit is that? "This movie's so good I gotta bust a cap in here!" You know the worst thing about niggas? Niggas always want credit for some shit they supposed to do. A nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigga will say some shit like, "I take care of my kids." You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that? "I ain't never been to jail!" What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So, it's last Wednesday, right? I'm chilling' in my house in a pair of and getting ready to watch the game. You know what she had the nerve to say? Exactly! I thought the woman was crazy. But, then, you know what else she wanted me to do? So, I'm in my car, right? "Uh, Chris. I'm gonna tell you something." Nigga, what? You're wanted in 18 states and 2 territories! Nigga, what did you do? With a seal? How the hell you gonna do something like that with a seal? You know, that don't sound too bad. I'll try it with my woman. Like that? Get outta here! With oil? So, I'm dead! Just chilling' in Heaven! With my man Chris Farley, Phil Hartman, Biggie, Tupac, Vanilla, my Bu2u, Sam Kinison and there's God. And I'm like, "God, you know everything. I can ask you one question. Who won the game?”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. We need to control the bullets! That's right. I think all bullets should cost $5,000. $5,000 for a bullet. You know why? Because if a bullet costs $5,000, there would be no more innocent bystanders. Every time somebody gets shot, people would be like, "Damn, he must've did something. Shit, they put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass!" And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost $5,000. "Man, I would blow your fucking head off ... if I could afford it! I'm gonna get me another job, I'm gonna start saving some money, and you're a dead man! You better hope I can't get no bullets on layaway!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit: "To the window! To the wall! [crowd sings along] 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hey, man don't let all this celebrity garbage fool you. It's all just a trick to get your mind...off...the...war. I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house. Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video. All to get your mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me: "We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth. They're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they're so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit, man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know the beautiful thing about the gay marriage issue? It's the absolute only issue that the President will answer. The President don't give a fuck. He will give you a straight answer on gay marriage. "Uh, Mr. President, what about the war? When's it gonna end?" "Well, you never know. We're talking to people, and we're looking for stuff, and we might find it, we might not, and it's out there, we're gonna get it, you never know. How's it going? Yeah!" "Uh, Mr. President, what about the economy, when's it gonna pick up?" "Well, you never know, we're talking to people, and economic indicators indicate that indications are coming to the indicator. You know what I'm saying? All right!" "Uh, Mr. President, what about gay marriage?" "Fuck them faggots!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love. If you haven't had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for forty-five minutes straight, you ain't been in love. If you haven't bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll their ass up in, you ain't been in love. If you haven't practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain't been in love. And the only thing that's stopped you from killing this motherfucker was a episode of CSI: "Oh man, they thorough. I better make up. They might catch my ass.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them … "fuck that bitch," "fuck that bitch." Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, "Oh man, she's nice, I gotta get me a girl like that." If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, "I gotta get him, and I will slit that bitch's throat to do it." Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“White man makes alcohol. Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Okay? Some of y'all ain't even make it home tonight 'cause of alcohol. You'll be like, "Oh man, that Chris Rock sure is funny, oh! Shit!" But it's all right 'cause it's all white. White man makes Cigarettes, the most dangerous product known to man. Cigarettes are so fucking dangerous it kills motherfuckers that don't smoke, okay? That's how fucking dangerous cigarettes are, okay? Yes, first hand smoke, second hand smoke. People talking out of their necks into a machine like, "Hey, what's up, man, I love cigarettes." But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled niggas from Mississippi? Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get fifty years just for a carton of Newports. Shit. But it's all right, 'cause it's all white.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source