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Chris Rock
111 quotes
“You can't beat white people, you can only knock them out.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) first seen 2008 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Chris Rock on Real Time with Bill Maher, September 26, 2008
“You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I hope that Live Earth ends global warming the same way the Live Aid ended world poverty.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple – Gwyneth Paltrow.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, "If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) first seen 2005 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: At the February 27, 2005 Academy Awards as host. Quoted at Rock sparkles on Oscar debut
“Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judging the singing. Paula Abdul?! Getting Paula Abdul to judge a singing contest is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When I heard they were trying and get rid of the word "nigga", I told my accountant to buy 800 shares of "coon".”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“George Bush hates midgets.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Yo, what's up! This is Chris Rock, and I'm with my man Lil Jon, and we stay in the club! We live in the club! We die in the club! We get our car washed in the club! We go to school in the club! We go to the cleaners in the club! We do everything in the motherfucking club! We go to church in the club! We never leave the motherfucking club! We pay our taxes in the club! We go to library in the club!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Interviewer asks: "How do you feel like things have changed over the past couple decades?"]<br”
Chris Rock (born 1965) first seen 2013 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: in an interview on CBC Radio One "Q", host Jian Ghomeshi (Youtube link, video named "Chris Rock "White People Have Gotten Less Crazy"), accessed 2013-09-11
“Here's the thing. I know it's hard being a cop. I know it's hard. I know that shit's dangerous. I know it is, OK? But some jobs can't have bad apples. OK? Some jobs, everybody gotta be good. Like— pilots. You know? American Airlines can't be like, "You know, most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples, that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) first seen 2018 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Chris Rock: Tamborine (2018), NetFlix
“Jada, I love you. G.I. Jane 2, can't wait to see it, all right?”
Chris Rock (born 1965) first seen 2022 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Joking about Will Smith's wife Jada Pinkett Smith at the 94th Academy Awards (27 March 2022).
“Oh, wow! Wow! Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me. [...] That was a... greatest night in the history of television, okay.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) first seen 2022 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: After being hit by Will Smith during their altercation at the 94th Academy Awards (27 March 2022).
“Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit..... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "red meat will kill you"? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat. If you lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“That shit wasn't about race … that shit was about fame. If O.J. wasn't famous, he'd be in jail right now. If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be O.J. He'd be Orenthal the Bus Driving Murderer.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So you gotta look at OJ's situation. He's paying $25,000 a month in alimony, got another man driving around in his car and fucking his wife in a house he's still paying the mortgage on. Now I'm not saying he should have killed her... but I understand.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan! Shit, I'd be doing a drive-by from here to Brooklyn!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know what they say, "There's no reason to ever hit a woman." Shit! There's a reason to hit everybody. You just don't do it. Shit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don't do it. Ain't nobody above an ass-whooping.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Yo, man. R&B sucks. I mean it's a couple of people that float, but, look, for the most part, the genre sucks. Just a bunch of people singing over rap beats. You don't like a rap record? Sing over it! Everybody talking them label. "Label this, label that!" Hey, Smokey Robinson wasn't singing about Motown! Look, the Isley Brothers wasn't going "T-Neck in the motherfuckin' house". The Jacksons were not singing about Epic because nobody gave a fuck!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hey, this is a joke that I wrote a long time ago. I actually, I really really, wrote this joke. [Following in reverse] So I'm walking down the street, right? And I saw this prostitute, right? And I said, 'How much?' She said, 'For $300, I'll do anything you want.' I said, 'Bitch, paint my house!'”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Yo, my first choice for the producer of this album was not Prince Paul. It was Roger Troutman and the group Zapp. Let's see how that would have sounded. (The following run through a Talk box): A black man boy said to a Cadillac dealer. And he's looking at some Cadillacs. And the dealer of Zohan says "are you thinking of buying a Cadillac?" And, he says, "No, I'm buying a Cadillac. I'm thinking of pussy... yeah!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The Trenchcoat Mafia. "Nobody will play with us, we have no friends, we're the Trenchcoat Mafia." Hell, I saw the yearbook picture, it was six of 'em! I ain't have six friends in high school. I don't got six friends now! Shit, that's 3-on-3 with a half-court!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Everybody want to know what the kids was listening to, what kind of music they was listening to, or what kind of movies they was watching. Who gives a fuck what they was watching? Whatever happened to CRAZY?”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“See, even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you won't have to go to no doctor to get it out, whoever shot you will take that bullet back! "I believe you got my property!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Daddy, can we talk?" "Hey, I'm watching the game!" "I'll show you! I'll dance naked to Mötley Crue records! I'm gonna change my name to Cina Buns and I'm gonna wear clear heels!" When did clear heels become the new whore uniform? When did that happen? Was there a big ho convention, and all the hoes got together and said, "We need something new! Something that just says nasty" And one girl said, "I got it! Clear heels!" "Ooh, girl, you disgusting!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Women don't care, man. If the beat's all right, she will dance all night! I've seen girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. It's like, "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! … I put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear! … Fuck her in the eye, fuck her in the eye! … Blind the bitch, blind the bitch, blind the bitch, blind the bitch with cum!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and misogynistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick …”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club and the sun is out, you got some problems!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know those guys that eat at the strip club? Eat the buffet? How the fuck could you eat in a nasty-ass strip club? What? Are you THAT hungry? Motherfucker, go to Mickey D's or some shit! Not even Rwandan refugees eat that shit! At a damn strip club! Titties and tater tots don't mix!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know the stripper myth? There's a stripper myth that's being perpetuated throughout society. The myth is, I'm strippin' to pay my tuition. No you're not! There's no strippers in college! There's no clear heels in biology! Shit, man, I didn't know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete!.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“White man makes guns. Big deal, nobody gives a fuck, kids shoot each other at school, nobody gives a fuck. White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "guns"? Congressional hearing. "Oh, my God, that nigga said gun, and he rhymed it with fun"!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a trickless magician?? Where the fuck's the trick? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat". "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat"!! That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Ed Bradley looked at Michael Jackson like he wanted to say, "Nigga, is you crazy?" Like he wanted to take the 60 Minutes clock and push the shit forward to say, "Nigga, what the fuck is wrong with you?" "I thought you said it was 60 minutes …" "It's 10 minutes, get outta here! You nutty nigga, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Black people dominate every physical activity in the United States of America. We're only 10% of the population, we're 90% of the Final Four. Okay? We fucking dominate all this shit! Okay? Basketball, baseball, football, boxing, track- even golf and tennis! And as soon they make a heated hockey rink, we're gonna take that shit, too. Motherfuck Wayne Gretzky. Wait 'till you see LeBron on some skates. You ain't seen shit yet! He just gonna have one skate, chilling. "What's up?" He won't even have a stick, he'll just smack the puck in with his dick. Pow! "Slapshot, bee-otch!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“That tiger ain't go crazy; that tiger went tiger! You know when he was really crazy? When he was riding around on a unicycle with a Hitler helmet on! "Oh, shit! I'm a crazy tiger!”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King. Meanwhile, a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.”
Chris Rock (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source