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Charlie Brooker
63 quotes
“Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Screenwipe, a programme all about television.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Well, babies are notoriously foul-mouthed. [shot of Charlie pointing at a doll] This one just called Derek a prick!”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Oh good, this is hardly ever on.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So whose side is it on, is it on Anthea's side or is it on human kind side? Well the answer is it's on nobody's side but its own; it's a TV program, it's just gonna sneer at everyone because that's what TV programs do they sneer and sometimes they just roll around slapping their bums! (rolls about pointing his buttocks at the camera and slapping them whilst grunting "Nuh, nuh!") On the sofa, because they're so bloody, fucking pleased with themselves.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Balls to aspiration, it's a tosser's mirage.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Now, as an embittered cynic, I should be almost programmed to vomit all over the screen at the mere sight of this, but instead, I find it strangely moving. You see, as I stare into their happy smiling faces filled with naive joie de vivre, I know they're just blissfully unaware of the crushing despair that awaits them as they venture further into adulthood. The myriad disappointments, the yawning chasms of pain, the slow gnawing descent into physical decay, the sheer unrelenting horror of it all.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“At first glance, My Super Sweet 16 appears to be a sugary bit of reality drizzle about some irritating American brats, but the more you watch it the more you realize it’s actually a stonehearted exposé of everything that’s wrong with our faltering so-called civilization.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Each episode follows an unbelievably spoiled rich and tiny sod as they prepare to throw a despicably opulent coming of age party for themselves and their squealing shitcake friends.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Actually, I think this might be an Al-Qaeda recruitment film.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Fortunately for whining snotface, the party itself goes with a bang. She enters looking every inch the cosseted flesh-waste she is, and her and her nauseating idiot scumbag friends celebrate into the night: dancing, shrieking, acting like pillocks, and generally making you feel like getting down on your knees and praying for a nuclear holocaust.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In summary, our world is doomed.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me that I've got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“That's certainly made me think - it's made me think, "I don't know if I want a television any more.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2009 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: From Screenwipe Review of the Year 2009 (as cited in the Radio Times in 2012), discussing the end sequence of The Execution of Gary Glitter, a Channel 4 programme which imagines a future trial of the sex offender and fo…
“...the news might be single-handedly trying to bring about an environmental catastrophe, which it will then report on.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Super injunctions are interesting legal weapons really, they don't just gag the press, they gag them from mentioning the existence of the gag.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Sport belongs in a news bulletin about as much as a mummified cat's head belongs in a Caesar salad.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Combine the "mounting pressure" with the "growing cause" and you've got yourself a "media whirlwind" which you can also refer to.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“...I haven't seen so many dirty snouts, and slimy arseholes crammed into such a small space since I last looked inside a sausage.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Newspapers chiefly exist to spooned the opinions of their readers back to them, much like an arse to mouth hosepipe.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2013 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 2013 Wipe
“One of the side-effects of having your work appear in a public forum such as this is that people often email me asking for advice on how to break into writing, presumably figuring that if a drooling gum-brain like me can scrape a living witlessly pawing at a keyboard, there's hope for anyone.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The original cut of Ridley Scott's recent retelling of the Robin Hood legend contained a puzzling interlude during which Russell Crowe recited the URL for a pornographic website. The scene was dropped from the theatrical release at the last minute when it was discovered that a script supervisor had inadvertently pasted the contents of their clipboard into the script while trying to find the keyboard shortcut for "print".”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian 4 October 2010
“As for me, I'm stuck in a loveless relationship with myself, the backseat driver who can't stop tutting and nagging. There's no escape from me's relentless criticism. Me even knows what I'm thinking, and routinely has a pop at Me for that. "You're worrying about your obsessive degree of self-criticism again," whines Me. "How pathetically solipsistic." And then it complains about its own bleating tone of voice and starts petulantly kicking the back of the seat, asking if we're there yet.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian 16 August 2010
“Until this week the one thing I knew about the Twilight saga was that it had vampires in it, which was enough to put me off. I didn't realise it was a romantic fantasy aimed at teenage girls. Turns out it's possible to be put off something twice before you've actually seen it.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In some quarters the films and books are lauded for their wholesome message, which is weird considering Bella is essentially deciding whether she'd rather shag a bat or a wolf. She's got zero interest in honest-to-goodness human-on-human action. No. It's magic farmyard creatures or nothing for her.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Fictional serial killers are usually more pretentious than frightening, perpetually quoting Milton or arranging their victims in poses designed to evoke the martyrdom of St Sebastian. What are you, a cold-blooded murderer or the controller of Radio 3?”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Forgive my pants for remaining unshitten.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Discussing Twilight in The Guardian 12 July 2010.
“I'll stop calling it the iPhone right now. Instead, for the remainder of this article, it'll be known as the Jabscreen. A better name in any case.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But once I had a Jabscreen of my own, I soon discovered the novelty lasts six months, tops. There's a limit to how many conversations you can have about it before you reach burnout. Have you seen the app which takes your photo and makes it look like you're really fat? Yes. And the game where you land all the planes on the runway? Yes, that too. Hey, how about this thing with the funny red monster that repeats everything you say? Please leave me. Please just leave me here to die.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Even if the Jabscreen 4 was reportedly biting users' ears off and spitting them into a ditch, every Jabscreen 3 user is going to wind up buying one anyway.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian 5 July 2010.
“I usually quite like women, but this advert makes me want to kill about 900 of them with my bare hands. It ends with the tiresome ladettes marching down a high street triumphantly singing the Here Come the Girls song out loud, like an invading squadron tormenting the natives with its war cry. Next year they'll probably be armed. Fear this.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2009 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian 16 November 2009.
“...The result is the most nauseating display of artificial camaraderie since the horrific Doritos "Friendchips" TV campaign (which caused 50,000 people to kill themselves in 2003, or should have done).”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2009 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian.co.uk,28 August 2009
“The second Transformers movie came out this year. I didn't fight for a ticket. I'd caught the first one by accident. It was like being pinned to the ground while an angry dishwasher shat in your face for two hours. Any human dumb enough to voluntarily sit through a second helping of that unremitting fecal spew really ought to just get up and leave the planet via the nearest window before their continued presence does lasting damage to the gene pool.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2009 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian, 3 August, 2009
“The only other thing I've noticed is some kind of acute muscular spasm in my neck and left shoulder, and that's hardly entertaining, except maybe for the bit where the doctor rather brilliantly prescribed me diazepam so I necked some and walked very slowly around the Westfield shopping centre listening to Henry Mancini's Pink Panther theme on repeat on an MP3 player, smiling eerily at shoppers.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2009 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian 9 February 2009.
“President Barack Obama. President Barack Obama. Nope, still can't get used to it. It's literally too good to be true. I must've died in my sleep and am now having an insane fantasy pumped into my head by the Matrix. Any minute now Salma Hayek is going to float through the door with a tray of biscuits and I'll know the game's up.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2008 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian, 10 November 2008
“Darwin's theory of evolution was simple, beautiful, majestic and awe-inspiring. But because it contradicts the allegorical babblings of a bunch of made-up old books, it's been under attack since day one. That's just tough luck for Darwin. If the Bible had contained a passage that claimed gravity is caused by God pulling objects toward the ground with magic invisible threads, we'd still be debating Newton with idiots too.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2008 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian 2 August 2008.
“Man the lifeboats. The idiots are winning.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2008 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian, 7 April 2008,
“If this strikes you as a trivial subject to write about, you're wrong. Really. Bollocks to the rest of you. I could've sat through live 3D news footage of some gruesome bloody war, watching starving women and children being machine gunned in the face by Terminator rebels, and I'd have just shrugged. So what. Stop crying. They're only bullets. Try having my throat. Try some genuine suffering, you pussies.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2008 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian 28 July 2008.
“I hate Macs. I have always hated Macs. I hate people who use Macs. I even hate people who don't use Macs but sometimes wish they did. Macs are glorified Fisher-Price activity centres for adults; computers for scaredy cats too nervous to learn how proper computers work; computers for people who earnestly believe in feng shui.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that "says something" about your personality, don't bother. You don't have a personality. A mental illness, maybe - but not a personality.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian, 5 February 2007, I hate Macs
“I'm quite hardcore on this. I think every psychic and medium in this country belongs in prison. Even the ones demented enough to believe in what they're doing. In fact, especially them. Give them windowless cells and make them crap in buckets.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“God has far better things to do than creating self-important little species such as ours. He's got wars, deaths, disasters and diseases to ignore for starters. And a fair bit of not-exist-ing-at-all to be getting on with.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian, 4 December 2006, When it comes to psychics, my stance is hardcore: they must die alone in windowless cells
“It's a rum state of affairs when you feel like punching a jar of mayonnaise in the face.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Don't accuse anyone with the temerity to question your sad supernatural fantasies of having a 'closed mind' or being 'blind to possibilities'. A closed mind asks no questions, unthinkingly accepting that which it wants to believe. The blindness is all yours.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian, 4 December 2006, When it comes to psychics, my stance is hardcore: they must die alone in windowless cells
“You can't press a button to make Phil Mitchell jump over a turtle and land on a cloud (unless you've recently ingested a load of military-grade hallucinogens, in which case you can also make him climb inside his own face and start whistling colours).”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian, 20 November 2006, Reality bytes back
“If you're hell-bent on making your bank look and sound like a simpleton, a desk labelled Travel Money is still a bit too formal. Why not call it Oooh! Look at the Funny Foreign Banknotes instead? And accompany it with a doodle of a French onion-seller riding a bike, with a little black beret on his head and a baguette up his arse and a speech bubble saying, "Zut Alors! Here is where you gettez les Francs!”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian, 6 November 2006, The banks are coming over all chummy. It's nauseating
“If love were a product, the queue at the faulty goods desk would stretch right round the universe and back. It doesn't work properly. The seams come apart and it's full of powdered glass.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian, 25 August 2006, Supposing... It's time to smother romance in its sleep
“On November 2, the entire civilised world will be praying, praying Bush loses. And Sod's law dictates he'll probably win, thereby disproving the existence of God once and for all. The world will endure four more years of idiocy, arrogance and unwarranted bloodshed, with no benevolent deity to watch over and save us. John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Hinckley Jr - where are you now that we need you?”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian, 23 October 2004, Dumb show, [http://www.ocregister.com/opinion/obama-barack-america-1981504-new-first
“Anyway, Big Brother 7: that was that. Big Brother 8 is scheduled to take place in the glowing centre of an irradiated war-torn wasteland formerly known as Earth. See you there.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian, 12 August 2006
“The BB house works as a kind of twat amplifier, you see. Once harnessed within, someone who in normal life would merely strike me as a bit of a git quickly swells in negative stature, eventually coming to symbolise everything I hate about our cruel and godless universe.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian, 3 June 2006
“In many ways, Big Brother is the present day equivalent of a 1980s Club 18-30 Holiday - flirting, sunbathing, silly little organised games, and lots of people you'd like to remove from the genepool with a cricket bat.”
Charlie Brooker (born 1971) first seen 2006 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: The Guardian, 10 June 2006