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Bo Burnham
27 quotes
“Walkin' my poodles, man, it never gets old With my dogs on the leash, I got bitches on the hold A first-AIDS kit? That's a rhesus monkey I bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“High school party, senior year Boys and girls are all sippin' on beer I like soda / Where's the soda? Am I the only fuckin' person here that likes soda?”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My whole family thinks I'm gay I guess it's always been that way Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk Makes them think I like... boys”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“'Cause I'm Bo, yo / I'm the greatest rapper ever And I'll weather your weather whether you think I'm clever or not Think you're better, you're not / Don't need a sweater, I'm hot I'm a real G, shorty, that can really find your G-spot”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“'Cause girls are like donuts when I be bustin' Bo nuts I can make 'em cream-filled or give them a layer of glaze I'm like Doug's friend Skeeter whenever I meet her Because I skeet her so hard people call her Patty Mayonnaise”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Love is... takin' a dive and gettin' really comfortable and peein' in the pool, and Love is... a real-life porn— minus all the stuff that makes porn cool, and Love is... a homeless guy searchin' for treasure in the middle of the rain, and Findin' a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate, and Even though he's heartbroken, he can't complain, 'cause he was hungry in the first place”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Love is... your favorite food for every breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and Love is... the Holocaust, except you don't die quick and you don't get thinner, and Love is... bein' the owner of the company that makes rape whistles, and Even though you started the company with good intentions, trying to reduce the rate of rape, Now you don't want to reduce it at all, 'cause if the rape rate declines, you'll see an equal decline in whistle sales”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What's a pirate minus the ship? / Just a creative homeless guy And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? / An ironic way to die And what's domain domain range? / A kid with too much in his pants And two balls minus one? / Seven titles at the Tour de France”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We the people of the USA / José, we're not talkin' to you, ese We got a border in order to keep you out / It's what my NYU essay's about Cause we're xenophobic warrior princess / Molested by my Uncle Sam, is that incest? "I Want You... to smell my finger! Does my nephew's scent still linger?”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Look at all of Bo's hos, lookin' for a ride on Bo's hose And I spot a little Latino, booty so big, call it "Oprah's ego" We go to it, through it / She says "¡Dios mia, mi amigo!" Pull it out, stick it in your mouth, and I bust in the back of ya "Swallow bitch! There's people starvin' in Africa!”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If every day you play the board game Risk You've probably never taken a risk In your life / And Monopoly has far From a stranglehold on the board game market A little kid died from suffocation When he choked on a game piece from Operation”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We [artists] ask questions! [...] Questions like "Where are all the Sour Patch Parents?" Questions like "If Mickey's a mouse, and Minnie's a mouse, and Donald's a duck, and Daisy and Goofy-- if they're all animals and they can talk, why is Pluto just a fuckin' dog? Did they just forget to anthropomorphize him, or worse, is Mickey keeping a mentally-handicapped dude as a pet?”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We know, Lord, from John 3:16, that you so loved the world that you sent your only son to die for us. Your only son! But at the same time, we're all your children, so in your eyes, we're a bunch of girls. So help us as we struggle with the temptations of lesbianism. Amen.”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The average person has one Fallopian tube. [pause for laughter] The average penis length is 5.5 inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who googles "average penis length" is 3.5 inches.”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I must be psychotic / I must be demented To think that I'm worthy of all this attention Of all of this money you worked really hard for I slept in late while you worked at the drug store My drug's attention / I am an addict But I get paid to indulge in my habit It's all an illusion / I'm wearing makeup I'm wearing makeup, makeup, makeup”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? ... Names!”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This next song is about how sad I am. It's about all the sad stuff; just picture a depressed onion cutting itself.”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You shouldn't abstain from rape just 'cause you think that I want you to/ You shouldn't rape cause rape is a fucked up thing to do”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You wanna hear a funny story? So uh... five years ago- I quit performing live comedy. Because I was beginning to have uh severe panic attacks while on stage. Which is not a great place to have them. So I-I quit... and I didn't perform for five years. And I spent that time trying to improve myself mentally. And you know what- I did, I got better. I got so much better in fact, that in January of... 2020, I thought "you know what I should... start performing again. I've been hiding from the world and I need to reenter." And then... the funniest thing happened...”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The simple narrative taught in every history class Is demonstrably false and pedagogically classist Don't you know the world is built with blood? And genocide and exploitation The global network of capital essentially functions To separate the worker from the means of production And the FBI killed Martin Luther King Private property's inherently theft And neoliberal fascists are destroying the left And every politician, every cop on the street Protects the interests of the pedophilic corporate elite”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Could I interest you in everything? All of the time? A little bit of everything All of the time Apathy's a tragedy And boredom is a crime Anything and everything All of the time”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hey, what can you say? We were overdue But it'll be over soon”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, [...] I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Sluts! Sluts! I fuck sluts! Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts! No ifs, ands, and/or butts, I fuck sluts! I fuck sluts! Nice girls are nice, but no good for nut-sucking! They'll need a serene night to green light a butt-fucking, but that'll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking! Boo to the nice girls, praise he to slut fucking! I have a list. A list? Yes a list of all the sluts I've missed. I have not fucked or sucked these sluts and thus my nuts are fucking pissed! So when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list; another dumb cum bucket struck from my nut-sucking, suck-it-slut, slut fucking bucket list. (aside to the audience, "Yes! You hear the influences. Chaucer, Keats!) Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond! They can be skinny with big tits or skinny with small ones! Sluts can be perky or preppy or posh with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash! But some sluts are pretty and funny and smart...these sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart. They can talk about science or music or art. They can put you together, or they can pull you apart. But don't trust these sluts. Don't...don't you dare. They'll force you to trust them and love them and care! And then they'll be gone and you'll be aware of the hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there.”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So I've been freaking out for a long time, thinking that I'm never gonna finish this special and I'm gonna be working on it forever. And recently, I've been feeling like, oh man, maybe I am getting close to done with this. Maybe I'm gonna finish it after all. And that has made me completely freak out because if I finish this special, that means I have to not work on it anymore, and that means I have to just live my life, and so I'm not gonna do that, and I'm gonna not finish this special. I'm gonna work on it forever, I think, and I'm never gonna release it. So I'm not talking to anybody right now, I'm just talking to myself. So yeah, who fucking cares? Fuck you, and goodbye, and let's keep going.”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So, um... I've been working on this special now for six months. And the whole time I've had a... a goal in mind, which is I wanted to finish this thing before I turned 30. Um, because the idea of turning 30, while still in this fucking room, working on this thing alone, um, that just seemed... I just... I just wanted to avoid that. And you might be thinking, "Well, that's fine. You know, look at you, You radiate such youth, You must not be turning 30 for years." And that's very, uh, nice of you to say. But the truth is um, I turn 30 in less than a minute. So I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy my twenties, and then get back to work. Yay.”
Bo Burnham (born 1990) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source