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Bill Maher
202 quotes
“People love a trip. Even a shitty trip! On the old Dating Game they used to send people to Dubrovnik, Yugoslavia. You remember this? When it was behind the Iron Curtain. And people would be like, "We're going to Dubrov--what the fuck? What? ...Who cares, we're Going!" Because people love a trip, they don't care where it is. And I'll tell ya why they love a trip: because people think, "On a trip, I might get laid. It's not happening here, but Cleveland? That's where it could happen.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I was just at the newly opened Creationist Museum in Kentucky.... And they have this exhibit of a giant dinosaur...with a saddle on its back. Because the world is only 5000 years old, so man and the dinosaurs had to coexist, and, of course, we rode them. A theory I thought laughable at the age of eight when I saw it on THE FLINTSTONES!”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Republicans say that sex is bad, because with them it always is. It is!...I'm sorry, but they're just doughy, asexual, wonky, white people, and if you had to have sex with them it would be over in an excruciating three minutes. It's just, — and from the headlines of the past year I gather the only sex they're really good at, is gay sex. Really. Jeff Gannon in the White House press room, Representative Mark Foley, the Reverend Ted Haggard. I mean, that's a lot of gay when you're running against it in every election.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they wanted to name airports after him so they can say, "I'm coming into Reagan!”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Isn't he [Bush] the worst president ever? I mean, when his term is over, he has to walk back to Texas.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And that's the key to George W. Bush: It's that he wants to be the smartest person in the room. But in order to be the smartest person in the room, you kinda have to fill that room with a lot of dim bulbs. And that's where we get the Alberto Gonzaleses, and the Harriet Mierses, and the "you're-doing-a-heck-of-a-job-Brownie"'s.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“One of the complaints leveled against me is, "Oh, Bill, you're such a meanie. Why do you have to go after religion? It gives people comfort; it doesn't hurt anything." Okay, well, other than most wars, the Crusades, the Inquisition, 9/11, arranged marriages to minors, blowing up girls' schools, the suppression of women and homosexuals, fatwas, ethnic cleansing, honor rape, human sacrifice, burning witches, suicide bombings, condoning slavery, and the systematic fucking of children, there's a few little things I have a problem with.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“1 out of 4 Americans believes Jesus will return in their lifetime. See, that's religion: ego masquerading as humility. "Jesus is coming back! Of course he's gonna wanna meet me! ...Hi, Jesus, Bob Flemstein, big fan! I know you're crazy busy with the rapture and everything, but...could you sign? I don't wanna be that guy, but...”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You have to understand the Tea-bagger mindset; they have this nostalgia for this America that they think was stolen from them, that used to be, that was better – it's really the 1950s, okay? That's what they think was Shangri-La, and, y'know what they really don't get is that it's kind of insulting to a lot of Americans to pine for this era, cause it wasn't that good for a lot of people. It was good if you were a white man. It wasn't that good if you were Mexican, or black, or Jewish, or disabled, or gay, or a woman.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I think the guy was mostly a coke dealer, but I didn't do coke. I never understood that drug. If you want to be edgy and nervous, go to work.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know what they cannot keep on the shelves in America? Guns, and ammo. Even though Obama and every other pussy Democrat has never even mentioned the issue, these people are so sure that he and his Negro army are coming for their guns, they're gonna confiscate your guns, and indoctrinate your children, and socialize your wealth, and then they're gonna replace apple pie with chicken and waffles. And then he's gonna appoint a Cabinet of Shaft, Foxy Brown, Dolemite, Mandingo, Superfly, Cleopatra Jones, and Blacula.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sarah Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote "tax cuts" on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing– Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said "Road Runner".”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Y'know, every time in America some guy gets caught cheating, every media outlet does the same story: "Why Do Men Cheat?" Oh, take a wild fucking guess, would you? I think you're over-thinking this. They're not looking for fantasy, they're looking for...sex. That's it! They want sex. And not just sex; they want new sex. The way women want new shoes. Right? You have shoes, they're perfectly good shoes, you don't want those shoes, you want new shoes. We want a person, you want a shoe and somehow you're morally superior.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not "nation-builder".”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This is the first time in my lifetime that a president has been from a city. From a place I would go. He's from Chicago; I love Chicago! I go there! Would I ever go to Wasilla, Alaska? Or Hope, Arkansas? Or Plains, Georgia? Or Crawford, Texas? Not on a bet! There's a reason small towns are small: no one wants to live there.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Van Jones got fired because he became the Scary Negro of the Week on Fox News, where, let's be honest, they still feel threatened by Harry Belafonte.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech — when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What got Van Jones fired was they caught him on tape saying that Republicans are assholes. And they call it "news." And Obama didn't say a word in defense of Jones and basically fired him when Glenn Beck told him to. Just like we dropped "end of life counseling" from health care reform because Sarah Palin said it meant "death panels" on her Facebook page. Crazy evil morons make up things for Obama to do, and he does it.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The Democrats just never learn: Americans don't really care which side of an issue you're on as long as you don't act like pussies. When Van Jones called the Republicans assholes, he was paying them a compliment. He was talking about how they can get things done even when they're in the minority, as opposed to the Democrats, who can't seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the presidency, and Bruce Springsteen.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I mean it was bad enough when we had these people called the birthers who thought he was not born here. ... But I was saying last night that I've identified this new group and I'm calling them the churchers. ...The churchers. They're the people who don't think that he is a Christian. They think he's — he's a secret Muslim, Larry. I guess you haven't been paying enough attention. ... When I talked to him, he told me about his plan to use drinking water to sterilize white people. I get — whoops, I've said too much.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We're going to get into partisan bickering because more than half of Republicans agreed with the statement that said Obama is trying to impose Islamic law on America. I mean that is a very radical thing to believe. And it's more than half of Republicans. Not tea baggers. Not radicals. The mainstream Republican people.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The Democrats are very bad at selling their own product. The Republicans are geniuses at it. And I've said it before, a bad product well apologized for is superior in this country to a good product. The Democrats do have a better product, as bad as they are. Now it's unfortunate that they couldn't have sold what they're selling better and have better policies.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This is a really fascinating time because, again, we live in these two different realities. I don't think it's ever been like this. I know there's always been a — shall we say passionate — a passionate divide in American politics. But I don't think there's ever been a time when the two sides just have two different sets of reality. I mean, if more than half the Republicans think that Obama is trying to impose Sharia law on the United States of America, that's not something that you can argue about. That's just something in their view that has to be extirpated.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's so interesting to watch it – every Republican debate – Mitt Romney deny Romneycare. Deny the one great thing he did in his life. But when he's on the stage with those other Republicans in front of a Republican audience: "How dare you?! How dare you accuse me of helping people!? I am as much of a cold-hearted bastard as any of the pricks on this stage!”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Mitt and his ilk are always saying, "If only we ran the government more like a business." No! Government is there specifically for the things that are not supposed to run like a business. Government is not supposed to make a profit.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Women, they always want you to feel that, y'know, they like it when men cry, they think it's so sensitive. Bullshit. That is a trap. They don't like it. You can cry once when your mother dies. Other than that, keep it to yourself. They know people that cry a lot, they're called their girlfriends, they don't need it from you.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“... even scarier is why people have stopped thinking global warming is real. One major reason, pollsters say, is, "we had a very cold, snowy winter". Which is like saying the sun might not be real because last night it got dark.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Episode 187, "New Rules" segment, June 4, 2010
“Over the last 30 odd years, Democrats have moved to the right and the right has moved into a mental hospital. So what we have is one perfectly good party for hedge fund managers, credit card companies, banks, defense contractors, big agriculture and the pharmaceutical lobby... That's the Democrats. And they sit across the aisle from a small group of religious lunatics, flat-earthers and civil war re-enactors who mostly communicate by AM radio and call themselves the Republicans and who actually worry that Obama is a socialist. Socialist? He's not even a liberal.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“By now you've heard the constant right wing attacks on the elite media and the liberal elite, who may or may not be part of Washington elite, a subset of the East Coast elite, which is overtly influenced by the Hollywood elite. So, basically, unless you're a shit-kicker from Kansas, you're with the terrorists.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won't give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can't afford to have your head examined.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When it comes to scary-ass religions, extremist Muslims are like Godzilla and we're like, Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We can't even reform the way we make pennies and nickels. This week we learn that making a penny now costs 2 cents and making a nickel costs 9 cents, which makes no sense.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Apple should take over government" May 14, 2010.
“... if you rejoice in revenge, torture, and war [...] you cannot say you're a follower of the guy who explicitly said "love your enemies" and "do good to those who hate you". The next line isn't, "And if that doesn't work, send a titanium-fanged dog to rip his nuts off". Jesus lays on that hippie stuff pretty thick! He has lines like, "do not repay evil with evil", and "do not take revenge on someone who wrongs you". Really! It's in that book you hold up when you scream at gay people.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2011 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: New Rules" segment, May 13, 2011; discussing many Christians' support of Osama bin Laden assassinationn and terrorist torture
“... You're supposed to look at that figure of Christ on the cross and think, "How could a man suffer like that and forgive?" Not, "Romans are pussy -- he still has his eyes.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2011 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: New Rules" segment, May 13, 2011; discussing many Christians' support of Osama bin Laden assassination and terrorist torture
“... according to the always reliable "Encyclopedia Moronica.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2012 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: New Rules" segment, Feb, 2012; discussing Reason
“Now, it's a dodge, of course, straight out of the grand intellectual tradition of "I know you are, but what am I?" It's a way of saying, "Hey, we all believe in some sort of faith-based malarkey, so let's call it a push.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2012 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: New Rules" segment, Feb, 2012; discussing a dodge:
“[Y]ou don't get to put your un-reason up on the same shelf with my reason. Your stuff has to go over there on the shelf with Zeus and Thor and the Kraken. With the stuff that is not evidence-based...”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2012 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: New Rules" segment, Feb, 2012; discussing evidence
“[Islam is] the only religion that acts like the mafia that will fucking kill you if you say the wrong thing, draw the wrong picture or write the wrong book.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2014 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: October 3, 2014.
“Did you know that of the 14 states with the highest number of painkiller prescriptions per person, they all went for Trump?”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2017 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: January 20th 2017
“The events of January 6th [2021] were a faith-based initiative, and Trumpism is a Christian nationalist movement. Magical religious thinking is a virus, and QAnon is just its current mutation.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2021 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: February 6th 2021
“If you think America is more racist now than ever, more sexist than before women could vote and more homophobic than when blow jobs were a felony, you have ‘Progressophobia’ and you should adjust your mask because it's covering your eyes.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And yet there's a recurrent theme on the far-left that things have never been worse! Kevin Hart expressed a view many hold when he told The New York Times, ‘You’re witnessing White power and White privilege at an all-time high.’ This is one of the big problems with wokeness, that what you say doesn't have to make sense or jive with the facts or even be challenged lest the challenge be conflated with racism.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But saying that White power and privilege is at an all-time high is just ridiculous. Higher than a century ago, the year of the Tulsa Race Massacre? Higher than the years when the KKK rode unchecked and Jim Crow went unchallenged? Higher than the 1960s when The Supremes and Willie Mays still couldn't stay at the same hotel as the White people they were working with? Higher than during slavery?”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The low point of race relations wasn't Kim Kardashian wearing cornrows, even though it happened on Snapchat and George Wallace standing in a doorway didn't. Because here's the thing, kids: There actually was a world before you got here. We date human events A.D. and B.C., but we need a new marker for Millennials and Gen-Z, B.Y.— Before You.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Acknowledging progress isn't saying ‘we’re done’ or ‘we don’t need more’, and being gloomy doesn't make you a better person.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source