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Bill Maher

202 quotes

“Work in the fields? Senator, I'm a house nigga.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2017 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Real Time With Bill Maher (02 June 2017)
“Jesus is great — is there a better role model? No. It's religion, it's the people who get in between — the bureaucracy, you know. ... It's the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever a greater victim of name dropping?”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2000 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Be More Cynical (2000) - YouTube clip "Bill Maher on Jesus
“We have been the cowards, lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, that's not cowardly. Stupid maybe, but not cowardly.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2001 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Politically Incorrect (17 September 2001); this statement created controversies which resulted in this series being cancelled.
“I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don't get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2002 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: When You Ride Alone You Ride with Bin Laden: What the Government Should Be Telling Us to Help Fight the War on Terrorism (2002)
“Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake — you know, to send the right message to kids.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2004 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Valentine's Day, that great state holiday" in The Boston Globe (14 February 2004)
“Government — they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: As quoted in "Real talk with Bill Maher" by Joan Walsh at Salon.com (16 February 2007)
“If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2005 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Larry King Live, 11 August 2005; in response to a called-in question if he would become a believer if the Lord spoke to him
“It's very sad how in the information age you cannot get information into people's heads. As long as you write something on the internet and do not add LOL — it is true. "I'm not sure he's a Christian" — I'm not sure he's a mammal, Jay. He could be a werewolf.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Interview on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (13 September 2010)
“I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream— to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2010 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On getting his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (14 September 2010), as reported on Larry King Live (14 September 2010)
“Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2013 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Bill Maher Confesses: ‘Selling Pot Allowed Me to Get Through College’ September 9, 2013.
“I don't know how it all began, no one does. But I am pretty sure it's not that God had a son. [laughs] You know he's this orb of perfect energy, this powerful beyond imagination, but he's got kids. That would drive him fucking nuts, let me tell you. So you know we don't know the answers but the answer to that is not to make up stories. If you don't know something, just say, I don't know. That's your gospel right there. The gospel of "I don't know." I combined apathy and atheist, and I came up with apatheist. I don't know what happens when I die, and I don't care.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2014 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Interview with The Atlantic (24 January 2014)
“Is it really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on?”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2014 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: On hunting; at PETA's "Stand-Up for Animals" show (Los Angeles' Comedy Store, 15 June 2014)
“Dealing w/ Hamas is like dealing w/ a crazy woman who's trying to kill u - u can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2014 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Tweet (17 July 2014)
“There's only one faith, for example, that kills you or wants to kill you if you draw a bad cartoon of the prophet. There's only one faith that kills you or wants to kill you if you renounce the faith... obviously, most Muslim people are not terrorists. But ask most Muslim people in the world, if you insult the prophet, do you have what's coming to you? It's more than just a fringe element.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2013 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Bill Maher: Jeff Poor, "Bill Maher: Comparing violence of Islam to Christianity ‘liberal bullsh*t’ [VIDEO"], The Daily Caller, April 20, 2013 (archived).
“America really has no Left party. We have a center-right party -- which I would call what the Democrats are now -- and then we have the Republicans, a party that drove the Crazy Bus straight into Nut Town.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2015 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Interview with the Oxford Union (25 May 2015)
“[About 6 January 2020:] It's not what [Donald Trump] said on that day. It wasn't like he got up there and said 'Go and take over the capital!' – kind of (laughing) totally – it was that up until that moment he still hadn't conceded. It was not one moment. It was like his hole view that he was telling his people.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) first seen 2023 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 'Stop Making Us Pretend' - Bill Maher" (at 46m20s), Triggernometry, 1 November 2023
“Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The Partnership for a Drug Free America? Please, make me laugh and gag at the same time with that title. They're a lobbying arm for the liquor and prescription drug industries. They don't want a drug-free America, they want an America free of the drugs that are their competition. Prozac doesn't want to go up against marijuana, it will lose.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Please stop assuming that longevity and perfect health is always the correct option. No. Sometimes fun costs ya. It just does, you know? And that's OK, you're willing to make that purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. was 64 when he died. Give me 64 Sammy-years, I'll be happy.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If ketchup had 1/20th of the carcinogens in a cigarette they'd rip it off the shelves tomorrow, so the government is full of shit when they tell you that they care about you.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think that; we are the first society ever to think that. It's not worse than dishonor; it's not worse than losing your freedom; its not worse than losing a sense of personal responsibility.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We're so inconsistent about what we let kill ya. "Smoking? Must be eradicated. Marijuana? Zero tolerance." But there's lots of ways to kill yourself. You know what I think kills you? Stress, and being a workaholic, and never getting laid, and, uh, McDonalds, and staying mad at people, and lying for a living, and three-martini lunches, and the all-American breakfast, and whatever the fuck Elvis was doing. That's what kills you.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Charlton Heston...recently was re-elected president of the NRA for the third term. And they made an exception, because their charter, their constitution, says you can only have two terms, but they changed it. Ah. So constitutions can change. Interesting. Because it is called the Second Amendment. The word "amendment" itself means, "We had another thought! We re-thought something!”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm a libertarian, which means I'm against the government doing almost anything. But citizens having arsenals? No, that is the kind of rough stuff I would like the government to get involved in....It just seems the debate, — you know, they will not give an inch. There are many attempts to pass a law in states just requesting a limit of buying one gun a month, and it doesn't pass. People are like, "What about Christmas?" I mean, one gun a month. If you started when you were 18, by the time you were 60 that's over a thousand guns. I don't care how small your penis is, that should be enough guns.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We used to have a tax in this country called the Estate Tax, which was very popular, because it's a tax on very, very, very rich fucks who die. And people thought, "That's a good person to tax." And that is a good person to tax! Because rich fucks who die should give away their money, or else they give it to their ne'er-do-well kid who becomes Uday Hussein.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The one that's easy to say now is, "I Support The Troops". Doesn't cost ya anything. But I've got a question for you: can you really support the troops if you also support these massive tax cuts for the very rich? Because the people we say are our heroes are paid by tax dollars. And we hear about, teachers have to buy their own school supplies, soldiers in this country are on food stamps...couldn't somebody in congress stand up and say, "Why don't we take half of that big tax cut and give it to our heroes?" Or is that why they're our heroes, because they work cheap?”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“How does a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I'll tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It's their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with fucking kids, for crying out loud!”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The values of Western civilization are not just different, they're better. I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism, that all civilizations are just different. No, not always. Sometimes things are better. Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy. Equality of the sexes, better. Protection of minorities, better. Free speech, better. Free elections, better.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery, but a little modesty about it might keep the heat off of us. I can't stand the people who say things like, "We built this country!" You built nothing. I think the railroads were pretty much up by 1980.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my head. I believed in Santa Claus and the Fairy Godmother, of course I believed in a virgin birth, and a guy lived in a whale, and a woman came from a rib. But then something happened that made me doubt all of it: I graduated sixth grade!”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“72 Virgins" is very suspicious to me. It's a clue. It tells you we're dealing with people from a bartering culture. Because nobody starts with that number; somebody said, "100 virgins!" "50!" "85!" "69!" "79!" "71!" "73!" "72!" "Done!" That's how you got 72.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I would say that the feminine values are now the values of America; sensitivity is more important than truth; feelings are more important than facts; commitment is more important than individuality; children are more important than people; safety is more important than fun. I always hear women say, "Y'know, married men live longer." Uh, yes, and an indoor cat...also...lives longer. It's a fur-ball with a broken spirit that can only look out on a world it will never enjoy, but it does, technically, live longer.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Couples should explore their mutual fantasies." There's no such thing as a mutual fantasy. Yours bore us; ours offend you.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing. I didn't know that, nobody.. told me that. But when homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You've got to give it up for our troops. The mission itself is hard enough, but then there's all sorts of backdoor drafts where they extend their tours, calling up the guard, the reserve; all these Enron accounting tricks so that Rumsfeld doesn't have to admit he got the troop levels wrong, and still they don't bug out. And I see this, and then I watch some reality show, and I see people who are peevish and selfish and greedy and narcissistic and lazy and stupid, and I think to myself, "Why is this first group of people defending this second group of people?”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'd like to protect children, too, but... is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good. [...] They've midwived a lot of good ideas... lot of great songs, you know? I think "Penny Lane" is worth 10 dead kids. [...] I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. There, I said it.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail -- do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail -- gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don't, and I've been pretty high!”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because I have been saying, for the longest time, that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass...and, by god, today they went in and looked for it. They actually went in and looked for it and... They didn't find it. So now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "success" in the same sentence.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This country has fuck-up fatigue. That's when someone fucks up so much, that when they fuck up again, people go, "Well, what do you expect? He's a fuck-up." And that's fucked up!”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Rudy Giuliani's first wife was his cousin. Did you know this? I think that's a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I wish someone would just start Fly At Your Own Risk Airlines. How 'bout that? You can have your hair gel, you can have your lighter, you can have a fucking gun, how bout that? You can show up at the gate five minutes before the plane leaves, and pay in cash, like in the good ol' 1980s. The ticket just says "shit happens" on the back, because that's the way it is anyway.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the greatest wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the greatest wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one condom break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived--and I'm not--or this is the most reliable product since the toaster.”
Bill Maher (born 1956) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source