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Bill Engvall
74 quotes
“Engvall is waiting for an elevator. A man walks up”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“in the lost luggage office in Buffalo”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Engvall's car breaks down on a highway, there's smoke pouring out of the hood, and a motorist stops to help him.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In the store, Bill is buying some pants.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A friend bought two cakes for his wife's birthday, with a "3" on one and an "8" on the other.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“After Bill is exhausted at a baseball fantasy camp, walking crooked.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Bill and Larry The Cable Guy walk by a stone that Bill's neighbor had had 1894, his address, carved into it.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Bill and his brother-in-law had shot a deer and drove it in to get processed. At a rest stop, a woman stops at the truck”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Tow truck is pulling Bill's car out of his driveway”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Bill is at the pet store, buying a big bag of cat litter”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Jeff's, Larry's, and Ron's Heres Your Sign.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) first seen 2003 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
“Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repainted and he has a piano in the corner”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, Texas to Houston, Texas to see his grandparents. Ron is talking to the flight attendant.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Larry's grandmother has died at age 104”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“As told in the final section of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Christmas CD:”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“at the Engvalls' home, Travis is about to play on the piano.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“on holiday in Hawaii”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“at the beach”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey..." (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) first seen 2002 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography (2002)
“Before I got married, I was on a date one night. This girl had a snake as a pet. A 12-foot boa constrictor; she named it Fluffy. Well, that's just sick in my book. But I didn't know about the snake, and it was our first date. We'd been out drinking. We drank way too much. We get back to her mobile home. Woo, wish I was making that part up. She shuts the door behind me and gives me one of these. [hisses, exhales] She wasn't real good at it, alright? "I'm gonna slip into something a little more comfortable... okay?" and I'm like, "Alright! I'll be waitin' right here! Well, maybe here. Hell, you'll see me." She comes out of the bedroom/kitchen... in a negligee and that snake wrapped around her neck. Boy, that'll sober you up! I'm backin' out the front door, going, "No, thanks, I can drive." She looks at me and she goes, "No, wait, Bill! Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love." I said, "No, he can't, 'cause I'll kill him... Okay?”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Boobs are the center of power. Boobs can make a 6-month-old baby and a 65-year-old man both act the same way. And I'm a big fan. Oh, man, I love 'em! And I ain't picky neither. I hate when I hear guys go "I don't like little boobs." I don't care! Big boobs, little boobs, saggy boobs, perky boobs. You could have boobs that look like nanners, I don't give a damn! They're the perfect toy! You squish them, mush them, POOF! They come right back out! You can't even break 'em! Oh, they're amazing. Boobs can make a long trip seem short, make a bad day seem great. [Points to a member of the audience] Bud, let's say you had a bad day at work. Boss been chewing you out all day long. The little girl sitting next to you shows you her boobs, you're like, "This day was GREAT!”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains??" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh . . . is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice." And I go, "No, ma'am. "Nice" stops at midnight!”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And we have a German shepherd we found on the side of the road; that dog's psycho, now I know why she was on the side of the road. Yeah, "nothing's free." But I love that dog. That dog saved my hind end one night. My wife and I are about to go to bed, her wiener dog's jumping on the bed after I just talked to it. [Audience laughs] So just grabbed my wife's wiener dog and put her in the backyard. At about 2 in the morning, I'm woken up by this loud squealing coming from my backyard. My God, I ran out of bed in my underwear, put on my headlight house shoes, go out to my backyard, and a coyote had jumped the fence. Yes, and had my wife's wiener dog pinned down on the ground. I was like, "Aw, hell...appreciate what you're doing, just do it a little more quieter, couldn't you?" About that time, I felt this "WOOSH" right by my leg. That German shepherd ran into the backyard, hit that coyote broadside, that coyote did three flips and jumped the fence. I turned to the German shepherd and I said, "C'mon, you're sleeping in the bed." And the funny thing was, for about a week after, my wife and I would be sitting at the table having breakfast, and there would be about 2-3 coyotes across the road looking at our backyard, and you know the conversation was going like this: "...What? Naw, hell no. Don't go in there, that little dog's a setup. I ain't lying; ask Joe what happened to him!”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source