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Bill Engvall
74 quotes
“[playing golf with his friends]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I might've tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollerin' at his buddies, "Whoo! Whoa, check me out, dudes! Whoo, that ground is coming up..."—BAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right, dude– you're up.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[about an incident in a coffee shop]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[during a bit about dogs]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[about how people in the 90's used "awesome" wrongly]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[watching a baseball game in Los Angeles]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing somebody for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties. Welcome to my world.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than 100 yards from the school.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[while snow-skiing with his family]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[about his son Travis]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[about magazines school children sell, which his wife buys without even looking at what she's buying]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I joke about it, fellas, but I tell ya, she runs that house. Good Lord. [Several female audience members cheer] Yeah, I know. I know. And if you're a married guy, I ain't telling you nothing you don't already know. But if you're single, and you're thinking about getting married, listen up. You ain't never gonna win the argument. Yeah. If guys were a sports team, we'd be 0-fer.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I love Slim-Jims so much, I once called their hotline. I swear to God. I told them, "I got your next billion-dollar idea." And the lady on the other end goes, "Oh, do tell." I said, "Alright. Men love beer and Slim-Jims. So, what you need to do, is drill a hole in the middle of that Slim-Jim...so we can suck beer through it and take a bite of Slim Jim! [Audience cheers] Yeah. GENIUS!...She hung up on me.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(Talking about what he wants at his funeral)”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(mimicking a big fish talking to a little fish)”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(mimicking a fish's gills wither side of his neck) "Hey..." (cracks) You paid to see it... "hey... Ever eaten a worm?" (2nd fish) "What? When did you ever eat a worm?" "Oh, one day, me and my buddy were laying on the bank... trying to catch our breath..." - thank you, for those of you who got that...”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This year, ladies and gentlemen, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Air Force Thunderbirds. (Audience hoots and hollers) You betcha! They called me up out of the blue, and they go, "Hey, we want you to fly with us." And I'm like, "You got the right number?" They said, "Yeah, Bill Engvall, comedian. You stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." I'm like, (dork voice) "Be an honor to fly with 'ya." He goes, "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon." I go, "Well, you're screwed.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) first seen 2007 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: 15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)
“I tell you what, if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Yeah, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[after watching the food teasing scene in "9 1/2 Weeks"]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[his plan to prevent potential boyfriends from taking advantage of his daughter]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Marital sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[on getting his dogs boarded]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[on being condescended to by a flight attendant] Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't wanna be a jackass...you just pushed my jackass button.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Watching NASCAR with my wife is like taking a test. Every single turn, she has a question. Now, here's the problem: Sometimes her questions actually make sense, I don't have an answer for them. So, I have to do that guy thing and go Pfft! You ever hear your man do that, ladies? That means he doesn't know the answer, but he's thinking.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Men have three basic needs: Eating, sleeping, sex. That's it.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Talking about the difference between the first and twentieth year of marriage] Remember that first year of marriage, you used to argue just so you could make up and have sex? Twenty years later, you're arguing just so they'll sleep in the other room.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[about his daughter Emily, who scored 1390 on her SATs]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that . . . discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was . . . gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama...makes for a bitchin' day!”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[after watching a spitting cobra spit at Steve Irwin]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[about how he and his wife can't go out on a date, since they're married]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[playing Pictionary with his wife and some friends]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We could walk into a Chinese restaurant right here in Chicago. And the waiter could have been born here, raised here, went to college here, he has never left the city limits. I'm the idiot that walks in that restaurant and goes [in exaggerated Chinese] "Uh, yes. I'll have fried rice. Egg roll..." And you can see him go "I am so going to spit in your food, I swear to God." And it drives my daughter crazy. 'Cause she goes "why do you do that? That is so insulting to them!”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[having been recognized by a woman in a diner]”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) first seen 2003 wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
Recorded in: Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
“His explanation for the "signs”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Engvall is in the park flying a kite with his son.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Engvall and his wife are packing up their stuff to move, with a U-Haul sitting in their driveway.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Engvall and his buddy get off a boat with a big string of bass.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Engvall has an elk hung on the wall.”
Bill Engvall (born 1957) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source