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Bill Bailey
103 quotes
“What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And just as he said that a feminist jumped out of a manhole - just jumped up and oh, and she didn't like that. That she didn't like that.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Who photographs kebabs?”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious! Episode 1, 1:36”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I am a confectionary-based existentialist.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Nostalgia: How long's that been around?”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“BB: I'm actually from the West Country... [solitary cheer from audience] BB: Hypnotized, or actually? What are you doing here? Audience member: I had to come. BB: What do you mean you had to come here? What, you were on some dark purpose? Ch. 4, 07:38”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Arbroath; it was the scariest heckle I ever had. Arbroath, I don't know if you've ever been - very very cold throughout the year, and I was pacing up and down, primarily to keep warm really, I was freezing. And this chilling voice came from the back of the room, it just said "Stand still"... [mimes holding a rifle] Ch. 4, 08:18”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The Chaucer Pubbe Gagge”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“At parties, sometimes, for a laugh, I introduce myself - people say 'What do you do?' and I say 'I'm Aled Jones, its all gone wrong for me. No, look, I've still got it! (drunken bawl) I'M WALKING THROUGH THE AIIIIIIR, HAAAAAAHAHAHA.' Ch. 19, 32:55”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There is one language I can't understand, because it's from another planet, another dimension - that is the language of dentists. They speak in some kind of code, it's quite disturbing and sinister. They'll talk to you perfectly normally. You'll be sitting there like that Saloth Sar!' Just to let them know I'm onto them I always freak them out right back - they look down and say 'Everything alright?' and I look up and I say (in chair, psychotic voice) 'The pheasant has no agenda'. Ch. 23, 51:53”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“This is a song inspired by the work of Phil Collins; the nasty, whining little git. Ch. 36, 1:18:46”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When I was a child, I was terrified by this. (plays theme from The Magic Roundabout ) It was very sinister, wasn't it? It just went on and on, like Dante's seventh circle of Hell. I recently found out there was a secret middle section deemed unsuitable for small children. There's about four hours of this, then it all starts to go a bit weird. (plays discordant music) (Booming echoing voice) I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion! Ch. 38, 1:24:37”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it. Beards' (track 12) 5:29”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability. [seems to drift off in a daydream out of disenchantment, then comes back]”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My first job was selling doors, door to door. That's a tough job isn't it? Bing Bong; Hello, can I interest you in a- oh shit you've got one already haven't you? Well never mind...”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But we won't have any genetically modified food, oooh no, we won't have any GM. Which is a shame, I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it's a bit of a long shot.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[responding to scattered audience applause] Ah, lovely: the ripple, the ripple there. That's nearly the Zen clap of acceptance there, wasn't it?”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm a vegetarian. I'm not strict; I eat fish, and duck. Well, they're nearly fish, aren't they? They're semi-submerged a lot of the time, they spend a lot of time in the water, they're virtually fish, really. And pigs, cows, sheep, anything that lives near water, I'm not strict. I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You're absolutely right, Hitler was a vegetarian. It's very unseemly to think so, but there he was. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently... [Wild laughter and applause from audience]”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I can't ever remember ever seeing any charity porn, though. "Farmyard Frolics 3: A portion of this goes to a women's literacy programme in Eritrea".”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(After asking the audience about their negative experiences with Marijuana)BB: So, what form did these experiences take?Audience Member: Swimming with dolphins! (mentioned earlier on the show)BB: (misunderstands) Dolby? What, you hear everything with a slightly reduced hiss? (As Audience Member) I like to hear the world in Dolby, it's fantastic! Mind you, it means that no snake will I ever hear. And I said that in a very strange way. [As Yoda] No snake will I ever hear, mmm! [Normally] Never put Dolby on snake detectors, that's what we must remember.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Anyway, beards and drugs leads me neatly to the Taliban; were they really that backward, or were they the finest minds of the fourteenth century? Nobody seems to know or care. That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[as George W. Bush] I will tame evil, I will get the evil ones, We must find the evil ones. We must get evil, we must laminate evil, we must wear it round our necks, at the backstage party in paradise!”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. I actively seek it out.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers? [Audience wildly applauds]”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You get somebody to explain the Trinity to you, they'll say "Well God, he's God, and Jesus is God as well, and the Holy Spirit is...[mumbles indistinctly]". "What?" "He's the fecund spirit of the Lord who impregnates Mary, then gets a bit up himself and is reduced to light clerical duties?" Let's examine that in joke form: three male divine natures go into a cosmic essence, giving and receiving love, but not in a gay bishop way, to which the whole of Islam goes "Wha?"; Hinduism: "Nah!"; or Buddhism: "Ssh!".”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Milton Keynes: Satan's lay-by.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Singing as U2, in Irish accent] Hello! Some old Celtic bollocks!”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“And if it all goes horribly wrong we've still got Argos. Don't you just love Argos? With the Laminated Book of Dreams. You know why it's laminated don't you? To catch the tears of joy! (mimes turning pages, crying) "So many beautiful things! I cannot possess them all! Quick, stock check! Beep beep beep". It's like the ultimate betting shop, isn't it? The tiny little pens, the slips of paper, but everyone is a winner! And then you have the staff there, the pale mythical wardens of the treasure.”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hey, ASDA, I ain't gonna be your bitch!”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(Imitating a Belarus citizen commenting on their national flag) Stupid National Anthem....Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(Commenting on band The Killers' lyrics from the song 'All These Things I've Done') Deep down, it really is just a meaningless lyric, isn't it? [Sings] "I got soul, but I'm not a soldier". I mean, you may as well be saying "I got ham, but I'm not a hamster”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(On bizarre Conspiracy Theories)- Countries are actually closer than you think...Pilots just fly aeroplanes around longer to make you THINK they're far away- There are tiny cameras in ham...They're called 'Hameras'”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life...”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(Quoting his three year old son on a James Blunt song) "Daddy, turn it off, it's spoiling my brain”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“(On being prepped for a gig supported by the bank, UBS) She told me not to mention Nazi Gold, and of course if you tell a comedian not to do something, they'll immediately go and do it. So I went out on stage on a giant, neon Swastika, and sang "Gold, gold/always believe in your soul/you're indestructible-like the Third Reich!”
Bill Bailey (born 1965) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source