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Ben Croshaw

134 quotes

“If you honestly need the calendar to instruct you to show affection to your partner then what kind of loveless nightmare are you trapped in (14 February 2011)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Idea for movie: alcohol-based LXG-style crossover in which buddy heroes Jack Daniels and Jim Beam sail around the world with Captain Morgan. Jack's girlfriend is called Midori and she likes having sex on the beach. Their smartmouth talking pet is the Famous Grouse. (2 June 2011)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I've made a lot of box art do a lot of horrible things over the years in the name of critique. SOPA could stop my dirty foreigner ways. (18 January 2012)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Winning the lottery is like slipping your hand into the bra of the most beautiful woman in the world, then getting it stuck and having to saw it off at the wrist. (Chapter Eight)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I rolled my eyes at Rose, but she returned the look with a scowl which suggested that, if we ever got out of this alive, she would have some issues to address with myself and my polaroid camera. (Chapter Nine)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Those shells don't look very comfortable, miss." - Edited from the original script of the Little Mermaid (Chapter Eleven)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Maybe it was the quest that mattered most, not the outcome. (The Last Bit)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The curtains were drawn, and the only source of light - indeed, the object to which my attention was suddenly exclusively drawn - was a lit candle on the kitchen table, that had probably originally been shaped like Snoopy but was now a mass of melted rivulets, as if Snoopy had fallen victim to some kind of flesh-eating virus. (Chapter One)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It was as we were sailing out onto the wide chinchilla sea that I noticed how every chinchilla looked exactly like Marlboro, the chinchilla I had owned as a ten-year-old and which I had put inside a popcorn machine to see what would happen. Then the boat ran aground on the biggest chinchilla ever. (Chapter Two)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“At this time I was hesitant to venture into the greenery, because I wasn't keen on the possibility of having spiders the size of basketballs drop onto my face from overhead branches and refuse to let go. (...) Hunger pains were moving to the 'excruciating' stage by mid-morning. After a last-ditch attempt to extract nutrients from filling my mouth with sand, I decided that, if a big spider the size of a basketball dropped onto my face and tried to eat it, I would eat it back and we could turn the whole thing into an exciting competition. (Chapter Two)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm going on a picnic," went Penfold. "And I'm taking anthrax, beer, coffee, doughnuts, estrogen, flamingoes, glue, horses, ink, jelly, Knackwurst, lemonade, murder and Nurofen." (Chapter Fifteen)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Games should be remembered, not remastered.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I’d like the power to make things die with the power of my mind. Not because I have any specific use in mind for it; I just think it’d be useful to have for difficult social situations. Like, if you’re trying to sleep on a plane and a bloke three seats down is laughing really loudly at a film. Or if someone’s trying to make me say something nice about their hideous baby, it would be a good way to change the subject. But then again, that’s really just replacing one awkward social situation with another.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“...at the end of the day, nothing makes me feel more positive than something I can get really pissed off about.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“If you don't give a shit then you can only be pleasantly surprised, and I've been burnt too often by disappointment to fall for it again.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“'Medium,' 'Large' and 'King Size'? What the fuck is that? How the fuck can 'Medium' be the smallest? Do you even know what the word 'Medium' means? This is why you're all so fat, you bunch of road sign-shooting Yankee pillocks.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My secret? Hm. Well, I think the secret is this. Don't come up with a really ambitious twelve-CD monster for your first project, because it'll be doomed very quickly. For your very first release, make something small. Put as much effort into it as you can muster, but don't feel pressured. Then, for every subsequent release, push yourself just a little bit harder to make a better product. By the time you've churned out your sixth or seventh, you'll have a pretty solid reputation.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Ctrl+Alt+Del is the Rubbish King, sitting proudly on a throne of rotting meat.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“My main inspiration is sardonic British TV critics like Charlie Brooker, whose excellent show Screenwipe is fully on Youtube, and I recommend everyone watch it. He used to write for a PC magazine I read fanatically as a child. My own style is a mixture of him, possibly Douglas Adams, and internet writers like Seanbaby, Old Man Murray, or Something Awful. I’m such a rip-off.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I believe in being cruel to be kind. I love gaming, I have done all my life. I want to see it lifted in the eyes of the general public above how they view it now. Pottering endlessly about with the same dreary plots and game mechanics isn't helping any of us evolve.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Evoking fear is, in itself, an art form – and nothing in the entire history of storytelling has explored it better than video games.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Consider how The Dark Knight got away with a rating of PG-13 in the US by skilfully not showing any blood. Does that make it any more suitable for children? Or will there be a generation of youngsters haunted by visions of white-faced sadists brandishing pencils?”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Since I long ago decided that I hated kids and never wanted to have them, my reproductive instinct has transferred to my creativity, I've always wanted to create works that will ensure I'm remembered after I die. I don't think I've done that yet, though.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You're never alone when you're totally self-absorbed.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I seem to have gathered a reputation for being a jerk in real life, because frankly fans make me uncomfortable. Complete strangers come up and talk to me like they've known me their whole lives, and for that reason I can seem a bit stand-offish... No, the whole "fan" thing confuses me.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Religion should be something you keep within the confines of your own head, and we should all recognize how pointless it is to try and make other people see the fairies that live in your brain.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm not a great judge of my own work, me. I'm constantly referring to the ZP Wikiquote page to find out for myself what the funniest line that week was.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“It's easy to make games for kids, they're dumb little shits.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“With infinite choice at our fingertips, we don't have to expose ourselves for an instant to anything that challenges our views if we don't want to. So the walls of the echo chambers grow stronger and stronger, until we only hear from the echo chamber next door when the shouty extremists are shouting, and their absurd views only make us more convinced of our own righteousness.”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“When you think about it, when you overlook the ingrained taboos of society and think for your own fucking self for once, it doesn't make much sense that murder is illegal when we still have no idea what death IS, exactly. For all we know the human body is merely a stopping-off point where we learn wisdom and patience in preparation for the next, ultimate state of existence, beings of pure light, at one with the universe and with minds encompassing a thousand galaxies. And for all we know, you only get to do all this if you die before you turn 40. In that case, being murdered could be the greatest thing anyone ever does for you. (5 October 2004)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I haven't really commented on the whole Steve Irwin thing. Since I live in the country he arguably embodied this seems like a tragic oversight. I mean, he was Australian, I live in Australia, he wrestled crocodiles, I pick my nose a lot, it was like losing a little part of me or something. But when that stingray broke his little heart and a nation was united in grief - or at least a media was - I kept conspicuously silent. I even had some prepared witticisms I could have used, like "I bet the crocodiles are pissed off that they never got around to it first" or "The guy who went for 'stingray' in the 'animal by which Steve Irwin will one day be killed' betting pool is pretty fucking happy right now". (16 October 2006)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Yahtzee was born in Warwickshire, England, on the day of the great storm of 1983. Twenty years later, when England had become too small to accommodate the five hundred kilometre-wide tumour growing out of the back of his neck, he moved to Brisbane, Australia, where a chance encounter with an enraged surfer caused the tumour to become detached. It has now gone on to star in a number of Japanese fetish videos, while Yahtzee occupies a treehouse on the edge of the city, struggling to learn how to live with corks around his hat. The enraged surfer tries to keep in touch, but Yahtzee never answers his phone. (About page)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“being invisible means you can immerse yourself in a crowd and start clasping boobs and buttocks, then leap aside and laugh as some poor chap gets a clip round the ear. Laugh quietly obviously. And changing rooms! You can sneak into changing rooms and sit right there in the middle of the place while pretty girls get wet and take all their clothes off. You could go and hide in the showers themselves, but since the water on your body wouldn't be invisible you'd have to rely on them not noticing a semi-transparent man appear in the corner. You could pretend to be a novelty glass statue, but you wouldn't be able to explain the developing glass stiffy. (Why it would kick arse to be invisible)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Well, I know what I would do if I temporarily found that the minds of Ms. Croft and I had switched. Firstly I would dress up in all the clothes I could find in her wardrobe, place a full-length dress mirror in front of the shower, get inside, turn it on and take all the clothes off really, really slowly to the tune of "You sexy thang" by Hot Chocolate. Then I would hunt down my original body and the bewildered hot chick inside, throw it to the floor in the nearest cyber cafe and begin making mad passionate love to it approximately fifteen seconds before our minds were due to be switched back. Firstly, this would pander to my ego no end, and secondly, I would then wake up to find myself living the geek's dream - surrounded by computers and boinking Lara Croft. Score! Actually this isn't really a reason why being her would kick arse, this is more me being weird. (Why it would kick arse to be Lara Croft)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source