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Ben Croshaw

134 quotes

“When she meets a powerful man she's more likely to try and blow him away than blow him off. Stop that erection right now, you sick, sick boy. Stop it! Concentrate, that's how! (Why it would kick arse to be Lara Croft)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[Downs Syndrome Winnie the Pooh] The minute I saw this in a catalogue I just fell about. It's so brave of Disney to introduce stuffed toys that represent serious illnesses in order to educate the little kiddies. Me, I just want this so I can make my very own 'Victorian Sanitarium' playset. Downs Syndrome Pooh will be kept perpetually in a bleak little cardboard cell, bullied by Doctor Action Man and Nurse Princess Leia, occasionally brought out to be brutally hosed down with cold water every week. I'm thinking of sending it to Hasbro. (Yahtzee's Christmas Wishlist)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[PDP100 Duck Popcorn Maker] Actually I don't really want this, I just wanted to show you it, as this is the most disgusting popcorn maker I have ever seen. Actually this might be good for my Victorian Sanitarium playset. He could be the weak-stomached young doctor who keeps throwing up when they bring in Downs Syndrome Pooh for more experimental brain surgery. (Yahtzee's Christmas Wishlist)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Apparently this is true, according to one The_Mad_Revisionist, who is incidentally the aforementioned one man who believes fervently that (a) the moon does not exist, and (b) there's a huge worldwide conspiracy covering this up. Amazing how times change; as little as a hundred years ago we used to keep loonies like this in big sanitariums where they get poked with sticks and hosed down with cold water every night. Nowadays, we just give them websites. Heh. I just realised you could make a half-decent Matrix parody out of this guy. There Is No Moon. (Meet the crazy moon man)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“What's more, all these cars go at pretty much exactly the same speed, so you have twenty-odd machines going around and around a track patiently waiting for the one in front to make a cock up. Maybe it would be interesting if drivers made a cock up more often, slamming into walls with really impressive explosions and bits of twisted metal flying everywhere. But no, they train the gits too well. They should have every car being driven by a chimpanzee. I'd watch that. Fuck, I'd sponsor it. (Snormula 1)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The question that no-one ever asks in the Pokemon world is why that long-dead illustrious and ethical human being, having created the technology to store big things in very small things, decided to use this gimmick the way he did - storing potentially deadly ferocious animals with magic powers in a little thingy that you can hang off your belt. Because he wanted the power, that's why. He wanted to know the ecstasy of holding five deadly creatures round his waist. He probably got off on that sort of thing, the sick weirdo. (Why it would kick arse to be a Pokemon trainer)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Oh, and for the benefit of those people who think I haven't been English enough in my recent articles: Bum bollocks tosser cor blimey guvnor eccles cakes apples and pears god save the queen fish and chips I hate yanks etc. (More from the Poetry Corner)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Because as any nerd will tell you, our greatest weapon in the ongoing battle against those buff sporty types and the suave prettyboys are the Nerds With Girlfriends. Nothing infuriates them more. (Person Without Girlfriend)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Most sensitive part of the male human physique, and he places it in almost the exact geological centre of the body, right between the legs, dangling down in it's own special bag. He might as well have painted them fluorescent orange and made the hair above it grow into the words 'your foot goes here'. (Where God Went Wrong)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“[begin list of sophomoric puns] I bet he'd find a place up the chimney of any woman. He's certainly good at filling their stockings. Trouble is, he wouldn't be much good as a lover as he can only come once a year. [end list of sophomoric puns] (Why Chicks Dig Father Christmas)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“No book critic has ever tried to assess the Old Testament. Maybe they should. I did once. It's a crap story and it's very badly written. (Where God Went Wrong)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Ha, ha, ha! Never let it be said Americans are unconcerned about foreign countries. You're so nice to us you very kindly elected a complete vegetable as your president, so we can all point and laugh! (My Tribute to the U.S.)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“You know what's so great about junk food? Fat people who eat too much die young from cholesterol poisoning! It's a problem that solves itself! (My Tribute to the U.S.)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I have a very patchy memory of my childhood. It's one of the things about myself I'm most proud of. (More From the Poetry Corner)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“We've learned that you should never trust English professors who stick computer chips in their arms, breakfast cereal mascots, Stephen King, the Borg collective, vegetarians, Christians, Microsoft Word helpers and people who put five exclamation marks on the ends of their statements. (I'm Off)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I once saw some magician bloke turn a carton of orange juice into orange juice, beer, milk, coke and ginger ale. That makes him five times better than Jesus or something. (Why it Would Kick Arse to be Jesus)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The cake is vanilla; I asked for chocolate; The tears They will not stop. (Prince of Persia: Emo Warrior)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“People followed Jesus, I think because they wanted to have sex with him. Ho yes, they so wanted some of that holy jiggy-jiggy! (cough) sorry. (Why it Would Kick Arse to be Jesus)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Also, you can't prove that there isn't a ghost of Bagpuss hovering right behind your head as you read this. He's right there, man! No, he disappeared right after you turned your head. I swear he's there. Look, he's back again now! (Meet the Crazy Moon Man)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Yes, let me tell you about my favourite Disney character. And afterwards, let's all have a magical tea party under the enchanted tree, then we can have a delightful game of pooh sticks, you fucking pansy. (The 100 Questions)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In answer to your first question, of course God was good in bed! He's perfect in every way! God not only knows the secret path to the clitoris, but he's also aware of a little nerve just underneath the right shoulder blade connected directly to a lady's pleasure centre! (Ask Yahtzee 3)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Greek mythology tells us that the Gods invented woman as a punishment after man got a hold of some stolen goods. Obviously, this was just the mythological explanation given by the primitive early men to explain the real origin of women, which was this: THEY CAME DOWN IN SPACESHIPS. Yes, all women are space aliens who have come from a far-off galaxy to enslave mankind. (Ask Yahtzee)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The national dress of Great Britain is, from the ground up, a pair of Roman sandals, a kilt, a gunbelt, a t-shirt bearing the likeness of Mr. T, a garland of flowers and a horned Viking helmet. (How to be British)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Perfectly coloured to be camouflaged totally in a 60's living room, the zebra has powerful legs and a thirst for blood! (Fight or Flight?)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But now I play Silent Hill too much, because it is the most awesome series in the world that proves if proof be needed that the Japanese are just so much better at this whole 'horror' thing. (Silent Hill Showdown)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There's nothing I enjoy more than sitting down with a big piece of marmite on toast and reading through the archives of a good webcomic. The only problem is that the good webcomics are all hidden behind pile upon pile of testicle sweat masquerading as entertainment. (The Only Good Comics on the Internet)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Keep in mind that this is only my opinion, but also keep in mind that I'm always right. (The Only Good Comics on the Internet)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Ah, spam. Where would we be without spam? I'll tell you where. We'll be living in a lush, verdant paradise, unspoilt by rejected technology, where men and women of all creeds and races can join hands and sing for the sheer joy of being alive. (The Spam Man Cometh)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“How long does it take to shut up a baby? How long does it take to run through the possibilities? Are they hungry, sleepy or sitting around in a pile of shit? If it's the second option I'm sure we can all sympathise. But how long could the process of elimination take?..... I'm sure it's wrong to wish death on a baby, but for the first time in my life I'm actually trying to awaken some kind of latent psychic ability I could use to will the life from the little pillock. Or, fuck it, maybe I'll just walk over and wring it like a flannel. (Travel Notes)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The presence of The Sean has a tendency to taint a film, I find, because he is never his character; he's always just The Sean. (The Leauge of Extraordinary Gentlemen)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Ah, those were the days. David Bowie, Status Quo, The Beatles ... no end of artists I could say I enjoyed in order to sound clever and pretentious. (The Dark Side of Beatles Songs)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“...you could pick any two writers of equal skill, have them read each other's work, and they would both instantly proclaim each other the champion. Unless one of them happens to be Stephen King, because he's a jerk. (God Ran Out of Faces)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Michael Atkinson vows to continue to 'fight' violent media. Which seems a bit like trying to turn the tide back with a water pistol. (20 January 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I don't post on forums or comments for the same reason I don't attempt to french kiss pneumatic drills. (24 January 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The zip on my wallet broke, sealing the money inside. How am I supposed to buy a new wallet? (29 January 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Developers usually know their game's flaws better than anyone. Deadlines and publisher meddling are why they don't get fixed. (4 February 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The only thing worse than being single on Valentine's day is being single on Valentine's day while living with a couple. (14 February 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Humanity will be forever at war as long as there is no common enemy. World peace demands a new Hitler. (16 February 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“There's something oddly satisfying about coughing up a particularly big mouthful of phlegm. Could almost let you skip breakfast. (1 April 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I feel bad when I'm the only person on the bus. It's like I'm the only person who showed up to the driver's birthday party. (28 June 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“I'm not misogynist. I resent that. I hate women, yes, but only because I hate everyone. (25 June 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“A comment on Mogworld's Amazon page has already declared it to be terrible. Proof that future time travellers are among us? (12 July 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Last night at the bar someone asked me to say something 'hot and sexy'. All I could think of on the fly was 'Hayden Christensen'. (7 September 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hey, mister professional game critic, have you ever heard of this obscure game called 'Deus Ex'?" This is why I hate reading my email. (12 September 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“So I'm eating Subway this evening when a beetle flies down and burrows into my sandwich. Never a bad time to start losing weight, is there. (6 October 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Valentines card idea: "You are my iron lung. Let me come inside you and breathe heavily." (10 October 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“The strippers in Duke3d iPhone don't get their tits out. Fuck off. That's like cutting Aeris' death out of Final Fantasy 7. (24 November 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Rest assured, Mogworld's not being entirely released online. Just the first part. I would still like your money. That would be lovely. (16 December 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“But as any sixteen-year-old sweatily bringing a Playboy up to the counter of a newsagent's expecting everyone in the room to suddenly point and start screaming like the guy from Invasion of the Body Snatchers will tell you, titties become considerably more satisfying when you have to work for them. (26 December 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Thinking about morality. If you had to choose, would you save one baby or five old people? What if the baby had a Hitler moustache? (31 December 2010)”
Ben Croshaw (born 1983) wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source