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Ambrose Bierce
181 quotes
“Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Decide, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Electricity, n. The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Extinction, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Flesh, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Forgetfulness, A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Hers, pron. His.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Incompossible, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both — as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Liberty, n. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Non-combatant, n. A dead Quaker.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source
“Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) said by 1914 at the latest wikiquote, CC BY-SA 4.0 source